The Last the first I love him....

I Love
Karen Hallenbeck Sikorsky George BS,RN
For Steven
Sunday November 9, 2008

Trickle, pattern of lace light, peek through the depth of
Sky can we go up further, yes there, it is a single path you
Follow, into my heart; I moan and think "I want more" but
What I want, need, desire is you, the man you are is real
Bigger than life I care not for what "they" say for you took
Me away from a world constrained and burdened like ten
Tons of dynamite; I want out and you said "come with me"
Don't leave me if you do I'll find you, I'll be there...

I don't want to go, if I do it is because it hurts
To find my wall gone, to see you inside of me
Flashing like a rocket gone mad in outer space
This world we enter is ours, can we stay, not go

You want this, some of that, I need a cig, don't want to be here
Those friends I know broke all the trust, if my words don't come
They accuse me of being happy (what's with that) and if I speak
They tell me "you are in love" so if I am do they have to hate
Make me wiggle out of the seat, drive away, only to know we
Are stuck right here (for now) and one day without you there
Makes me feel lost, half gone, broken like a window pane and
Anger baby is not love, we had it bad, but just be who you are

Snow falls on barren ground, the night is cold
I could lay here under stars and sky with you inside
The fire burns in that place, let's go away from this
Sickness, enjoy what is left cause when I die you'll stay

How does it stop, no control, how does it go, out of control
Who are the faces outside the place we drove to yesterday
Neon colored light filled up the void, the water went beyond
The pain, the silence grew like velvet soft to surround what hurts
Changed the silhouette, recouped the thought, thank you Steven
You brought me home, shared this singleness that kept you sane
Quiet reverence, a date and time, you are right I'll never find it alone
Without you I'd cry (there) with you I respect the man you are, I love

You so strong and tough, I love
The way your attitude pisses them off
I love your heart beating beneath my face
The rhythm of your life interlaced in ME

You want to go with me, so just stay, I want to be with you,
We can drive away; north, west, south, east it's all the same
For the world out there alone is hate, the enemy not the friend
Potential life for you to live, if I die tonight I hope you see, that
I love what you mean to me, your hand in mine, your lips where
All is me, I could hold you and hear your life, even without a word
It's transparent, total, and now our days blend into night, the
Smell of roses, rocks, spillway, a breeze touches skin, now today

A church bell rings a brittle sound a gun
Goes off a thousand miles away (ghetto round)
A drive by shooting, a baby born in pain
This life we knew it's time to escape, it's ok

I never knew, or can again that one true love detours the end
I'll stay and not make you come, play if you want but you might
Win then what, and if it rains will you dry the tears from the
Broken heart of a child who never knew her mother's love for I
Can't kick it without those feelings, and there is this way
Home, barefoot we walk and lilacs bloom once like magnolia
I won't ask why for it is time to release the kite to the tallest sky
Floating upward, higher and higher, I love you, not good bye...

Thank you thank me
We know...
This love we have makes
US free....

"No We are Not Dead at all..."

Center
Karen Hallenbeck Sikorsky George
For "Steven"
November 2, 2008


The dark, quiet peace floated upward and stars stood
Erect, present and so alone up there, far away, I cannot
Touch you without feeling me, inside that place the
Wall erects, blind, elephant ride, what is this, why do I
Feel you forever familiar like the private parts of me
No one knows today (they are hidden for a reason)
You ask me why I look at you when we kiss and you
Know that is your being in me, reversed, shared, us

Passion is just energy in raw form
Take it deeper, slam it much harder and
If you want you might climb the mountain top
See my sky within, without, let's go to Midland and

Be what we are, we can follow the desert plain when
The hugest sun drops down low, yes down there, stop
Start again for night is cool, I shiver and you are warm
So hot that I boil and only want to know why you, why me
What did we do to be right here, don't let me run away or
Become the wall within for then I stop, and it is time to go
Into you, feel you, be real and not play I can't anyhow
Your pain is reincarnated in me, I know it well, I care

Children are pure (you are we are) and that love is
Boundless, robust, it is hard to beat there is
Absolutely no beginning or end, why is it you and I
Did not get to be children, prison door slams, bangs

Fuck it up, I wish I fought like you "then" but today I wish more
That I help you reduce rage to a small ball that you could throw
Hard, fast, and so far it will never return, more so that you sleep
With peace, feel safe no matter what you say, and take the
Aliens, bigots, criminals, malcontents and bust them out of this
Place we sit (beneath the desert sky) let's burn them at the stake
A eulogy (they are gone) and the weight (ton) is dropped and we
Are flying so fast a Lear jet is damn slow, sweeping chaos away

You feel like sunshine inside me, I melt on you and
Slippery, we burn and it feels like lava, erupting endlessly
Torn, confused, bruised but connected like an arm, a leg,
It is all interlaced and fragile turns to strong, we are heat

I like your heart it is totally part of the whole, do you begin to see
Good, the path HE is choosing for you to take, you don't need to
Suffer, question, join hands with the trailer trash failures that spin
Downward and are lined up on the firing squad for the final burial
It is time (good morning) to wake up, open your eyes for the first time
Take what is given (you need it) and know it is time to grow, even one
Small seed (planted) becomes a strong and able standard (a man) you are

Don't ask me why "I do" it just happened
Somewhere between San Angelo when you sensed
That sky was everything I turned and met your gaze
Far away, and a spark evolved to flame, you KNOW me

On a Sunday the church bells peal, a congregation prays in unison and the
Separate lives end, pale in comparison to the God flowing on those who
Deserve life, there is a key to unlock that door, use it with respect and
Know that even in this moment of totality, explosion, physical deployment,
I will not turn from you, but will look in your eyes, touch your face, feel
Your tongue touch mine (mine yours) and continue to go into that place
You let me go (with you) I have no FEAR, for you will be ALL you are
Some will never know this place, or go where we are, go at all, they are

Not going
To be
We are it and
Know, we just
Do, and it turns to heat
The sky remains, so stay
No one just you, I, I do care
Stay...

So, Luke is sober hmmmm....

Yesterday Green Petal
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Sunday August 3, 2008


There are petals, green, intertwined, two gloves laced into one
One is you (and I) to dance, on bended knee "I do" so simple
Forever to have and to hold our being damaged by faults of
Nature, body less than whole; stronger we (as me) as one, us
Together in this green fugue, almost twilight aqua, sunset has left
Our touch in this shallow (gentle) wave; we lay as one (in sleep)

I love you, is new life in an old movie
Television reruns sift like smelly sneakers
Past today,for it is new thank God for
HIS creation, tender bud, sweet blossom

No fruit so succulent, taken in, soft taste on my tongue, sugar
So raw, a contrast dark and opaque; the boy and girl run and
Their laughter tinkles, one shard of glass could cut to the quick, but
No fear, fresh breath of air, the new earth feels moist and her toes
Dig deeper he finds her toes upon his feet, each touch a tiny rainbow
Blue, palest pink to white, shimmering dove, "thank you" I am you, forever

Me ended that fervent storm, the sewer
Surged over, and city rats pondered dessert
Wildest neon lights of ghetto street (be gone!)
Childlike I was so empty I missed you, I miss you

Love is all it could not be then "we are" five years married, we did not
See, blinded without a cane, a seeing eye dog, the masses were
In love with our love, old and young stared and smiled the secret dream
"If only we could fall in love as they are" and the second hand stopped
The clock spurted one last sound and died; I am proud of you the simple
Facets of a day, the explosion of being in the clarity of life, we can, we will...

The wedding cake was Terimesu and the honeymoon
Was hot sun outside and you lifted me over the threshold
You made love to "your wife" (me) and I exploded all over (you)
Satiated in God's moment HIS blessing we became ONE

You had to go to prison, and knew (I did not) this clean slate was the
Beginning we deserved, I cannot tell you again and again that I knew
Nothing but loved you with all of me; "I was a seed just planted" and
A baby with tears to be shed, a woman by actions that had surpassed
Truth, I know today you know and God led me back no matter how many
Circles I ran around in, or death rattle breathing when my heart beat loud

In a silent scream "I LOVE YOU, I do, forever," and
The church burned down, the people we knew became so small
Tiny, incongruent, and dangerously ill that I spent half
A millisecond on God's chariot of fire speeding away

Crashed, we burned (I stayed) you looked oddly misshapen, beaten, and
You do not like people seeing you twisted off, then there is twisted up like
A pretzel, I could lick the salt off (you'd be bare) and wasted energy is
Like leaving that popsicle so succulent in the bowl; melting down to
Nothing but garish orange fluid; baby drool it makes me gag would
You remind me you drink flat Coke not to throw it away but if I taste that

In your kiss it would change who we are, not what we
Became in two years you reigned "under the bridge"
Austin, Texas homeless come from near and far and I
Went back to "homes" that never were I am lost I do know

Texas drew me like a memory but I am not fond of relationships that
Never were; a man falls in love with me; indignant "how can he if I"
DO not love him; go away, just go, I do not want to hate you so GO!!!
I find myself being closer to God; giving kindness to those who might
Traipse over the line of closure for I am done with past love, I am gone
From each of you but one; he is newly sober, even worse is he who I

Am (we are one) is he graceful, smart, does he touch me
Commanding my full gaze, is he always here (in my heart)
Does any storm following us fall silent when he states in
The harsh morning light "Sunshine I love you I do," he is

One thousand sparkles that alight from one dew drop hitting the pond's
Surface on the first fall morning; then the long spiral of blue lines of light
Spreading like scud missals so fast our eye sees only the outcome, then
Without sound the explosion and that pond is now an underground urn a
Canyon and bright red earth scatters and the life below stops, ends, and
The scent is left, next year flowers grow somewhere between the drink of

Death and the moist remains of fresh earth now deep brown
I am with this vision I travel free of charge I am the pilot the
Driver the veritable one in charge thank you God I cry aloud
But you are you able, willing, to sit behind me and follow me

The prison walls you clung too I could not visit without fear, anxiety for
I was proud of you (not I) for I could not (do what you) could not would not
Do it Luke, to visit made me crawl, but holding your hands in my heart the
Kiss at beginning and the end, feeling all of you up close was worth it but
We could have done it without the walls, we can, we could, we should
I like to wonder while I pray if you can taste my tears or, cry them...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Who Stole the Blog?
Pork Silhouette
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky George BS,RN

Twirling female form, light of weight, endless, the vision is
Not for eyes unclear, that have clouded and lost articulate
Silhouettes, if we are unable to see this with clarity, the feelings
Are jumbled, a train wreck in the mind, my fingertips cannot
Trace with sensuous abandon the sexual primitive scent you
Emit, there is never labor sweat, daily work to be done

There is you. Before me. The trust
Beat me down to a pile of ashes, when
I began to burn violently, the heat seared
Now blackened, void, I lost you

Last week the wind tried to hit 100 mph, the sky disappeared
Dirt is so common here, red earth splattered and smeared like a
Fecal pattern it does not stink, but I am a foreigner in this living
Grave yard (Lubbock, Texas), and there is nothing left I recognize
Withered heart beats, simply fall and dry, in that burning sun before
I can find them (you) and lost forever in this boundless plain

I know the meaning. Desolate alone (am I). You
Left, and watermelon juice ran down your chin
Your lips could kiss my pain and nausea away
Left handed rose bush never blooms

Elderly watch tower, that guard is wearing a uniform from Walmart
You can buy lather, foaming rabies in a jar, or a spray bottle in pink
Children are no longer white, they are gourmet blends of varied races
This one is Hispanic, white, shades of grey, his mother may be working
Eloquent welfare recipient she clicks her blue binder shut, no one can
Keep up with the border crossings, and she is fucking them all

One by one. Christmas trees cut down. We
Bought blue spruce knowing the needles would prick
Our tired hands, mine bare without gloves I never cared
You wanted eternal youth but no adult were you

Trying to recapture your touch up and down my slender arm is wasted
Time, I have lost the desire for sensuality, relationships are hornets nests
Pain is the result of love, this human race is filled with ignorants beating
Their chests and crying to God for what He denies, so kind and good is
He that He prevents us from marriage, slams the binders shut, a man
Told me we cannot feed the masses, that they must stop proceating

Killing babies due to fornication. Open the bible read
Between the lines, you might fall asleep on a page
Keep reading until the meaning is clear, no longer
Will that burning lust devour you below the waist

He died alone in a bed with unchanged linen, he held their loving hearts
Imprisoned, their silhouettes in his crude, hateful, ribcage where he sought
At all costs throughout his ugly life a heart, oh he spoke of love, he
Judged me (your mother), and when his brain crashed and he (like his father)
Stroked, the train kept coming and smashed his idle bones to fractured
Pieces of rock, he died empty, and each of you know the truth

I had the virus. Upset stomach, dizzy worry. No
Peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich could
Fix the disparity of no appetite, and the need to
Breathe, settle down, and deposit the money in

This bank of life, on earth we are transitory, spinning out of human control
If we sat beneath the oak tree, intrepid summer heat, an hour of sweat
Might rearrange the complications of control, to the honest state of
Powerlessness, we live (here and forevermore), do not worry I think when you
Bury me first, your tears will dry quickly, and I love you, I do
I know that you know, and we cannot go back, sit with me, for a minute...


***

Catch UP

Try to Stay
Karen Hallenbeck Sikorsky George BS,RN
Monday June 16, 2008


Flamboyant, trace of pink balloon, pale so still if you won't take
This breath and let me see your heart; one, two, three beats
It might stop, and that shattered word HOPE will topple, fall down
Elephant step to your pedestal high, don't sit there the pillow is
Gone (it's too hard) and LIFE is just frozen and we (you and me)
Know death comes from lack of faith, take one breath for me

Stay in place but move even if to dance
Be someone you are not (just for me) and
Trace this piece of torn tear drop from my eye
Let me go (try to stay) let me know I love you

No one asked you, told you to let go, be a pretend man when
BOY is all you can be, the flat desert lawn is hard, barren, hot
I lay still knowing a minute, an hour, a destiny timed in living death
Mirrors your heart, rejects that plea within, that silent voice that
Screams at me, change is me I cannot change you or anyone
I love the best I can remember, it is just me, being who I am

I don't drink anymore for there is clarity
In sunshine and an old man on a park bench
Could be me, tired and torn next time this year
Summer is too hot and that last winter too cold

Fair haired girl, dark haired boy, she good, you bad, but we
Were the chemistry of the masses, they wanted to watch and
I never knew love or a match for my depth of primitive passion
You tried to be the man, but there is a meshing of two forms
Hot, in dripping sweat, no blindfold on, no energy reserved
All of me, all of you, we became what we did not understand

I left before I met you, I do that
You were told I go back to Louisiana
You said "I won't chase you there" but
I could tell you thought I'd stay by your side

It's been so long I think "do I know him" and I see parts of you
Flutter, pass, find me in a tired moment "places" that I go, and
There is no shame in telling a man "you remind me of, but,"
I could tell them a grenade is poised in my ear ready to detonate
They would stay for the connection is the touch of a lily freshly
Picked, and that vision will last less than a day, as will I

This one I picked from an odd garden
Wasting time, walking through some weeds
He appeared and could be distant but he
Has a touch of intellect bordering on passion

My tidal wave ended it was sudden, and quietly I lay to sleep but
Could not close my eyes, and a few years passed, the hardest pain
Is loving you my beautiful daughters who carry this explosion in a
Gene pool passed to you (from me) don't remember, please forget
A man is not your identity, a touch is not forever, and life is nothing
We see when we are innocent, a child in a world upside down, demand

Justice and that those who are blind SEE
Your truth, ask for peace in your interaction and
Do not practice anger for it devours seconds of life
That may culminate in quick years of death

Forcing myself to have emotion (today) is impossible but physical pain
Lingers, builds, and hates me as I hate "it" I am ready to say
There is "nothing more to try" and would know this is right, and the only
Shred of HOPE is fear for I know this is not of God, and He will be
The only ONE who can bring me out of this garbage bag into the light
There is no wonder in wandering aimlessly through this ghetto mind

Two tears trickle and that other man knows I cry
He abuses my dignity and beats down like a large
Predator in times of weakness did I once think he could
Control my today and tomorrow I admit I did, do not

Make my mistake for in some gentle jungle we have yet to see or feel
There may be a species of flower, gentle blossoms of a color undefined
We may yet see enough to resurrect us from our own mind which is
Purely deficient, and I would give anything to hear the beat of your
Newborn heart into mine (just one more time) letting me know that in
Truth "I thought it was love once" and now I know there is nothing here

In my heart
Not gold, a cheap trinket
Useless Cracker Jack prize
Not for me, oh no
Not for you...

One Last Word...

Elephant Fly
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Friday Nov 9, 2007


They say you are large, gray, too huge to lift your legs (to the sky), and your
Face non-expressive wears a trunk, biggest sad eyes, and you live far longer
Than I do (human) or say, can I cry in this place filled with icons of hate, for
You are not in a zoo but with me, light as air, able to transcend higher, yes
Bigger, lighter, perhaps a kite lifts you too (and me) oh helium balloon bright
Red, this picnic feast is for two (me and you), my friend, I end one thought

Whirlpool of pain swirling deeper into the darkest crevice
Stirring the injury deep in my soul, could I be born again
Another mother, a new year, perhaps a place west of here
I want to love you, hold you, be within your heart (my child)

That cat is prowling on a Friday night, dark alley smells of urine, dead drunk
Bodies littered here and there (old clothing), blank faces, cheap gin, there is a
Light (police car) turning further away, and if this one not breathing stops, he is
Dead, I said dead, you see he is dead, I am telling you dead, gone, beyond this
Carnival of Vietnam memories where tiny children throw grenades and napalm
Screams searing flesh, my friend too watched his friend die, this pain needs help

Suicide is not an option, you might have to seek the stars
Ask God for His answer, ask God for guidance, you won't ask God
To take this life for somewhere in this dark dream (nightmare) you see
One frail daisy held in your hand, a remnant of hope, her lips quiver

New Year come and go, we count them in a line, almost ten, she does not dare
Disrupt the holiday supper, people are overfilled, blankly staring, talking shop or
Another plan outside of his house, he has no clue that this is not Christmas
Because our Mom is gone, we know the truth, she calls one or two (she is gone)
Sends simple cards, she says how it hurts to write (Mom please you are gone)
Away from me, us, five sisters, we do not give her away, he takes her from us

Her boots are tight, aqua blue suede, she has taken good care so they
Do not wear out, she bought those when married to Luke (the first time)
He was serving time at Sanchez, she always looks so pretty, I know she loves
(Who we ask) for her eyes twinkle, pink starlight, the audience (we) sigh

Is he twisting off in mid central nowhere, we pray for forgiveness, we understand why
The human race must numb itself out, some will run and obsess on weight, others
Will over work, make money they cannot spend, and can they pretend love to
A level they awaken next to the "one," hold them close and not care for
One second of past, the future, just now; like two young lovers they stare
Deep into dark and blue eyes, you feel God (His Love), she is gone (Mom)

A dozen roses fading faster, there is an abrasive, cutting lyric pulling my
Broken heart to bad shreds, this is something new I cannot prevent it like
Bizarre scrambled eggs, rotten eggs do not cook them, that Valentine's
Candy box is stained, that dirty old man peed all over it, don't look inside

A trail of red ants march, they work hard, they do not punch the clock but follow
A queen, if a spider comes close they will be ingested, the way of nature is
Strong, instincts to live (not die) and the emotions in her beating heart are getting
So invasive, so caustic, so painful she is ready now to pull the trigger back and
The gun is loaded, put it in her mouth and pull, can you imagine what her eyes
See as the blood explodes, her brain dead, (she is gone), pull the plug (gone)...

Do we know, can we say?
How one sees through this blood gallon,
I hear her voice singing
The telephone rings my sister said
"She is dead (our Mom is gone).."
The elephant collapsed, wrinkled trunk tucked
Deeper in turgid skin, (she is gone)...

Smile with me...

Laughter
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Monday, October 29


Twirling little top, spinning around in wayward circles, giggling that laughter
Pressing close (oh so close) you are warm, and I close my eyes holding you
To my chest, we are flushed with this cold fall day, hungry for peanut butter
Strawberry jam, and we are happy like children just today we are filled with love
You can smell the cold coming, and we daydream of snow storms, smoke
Billowing out the chimney top, and no one can displace our time, who we are

The day goes too quickly, night time falls fast it is
The seasonal change, and the morbid humidity put to rest
Summers here are oppressive, and one cannot get cool
The days at the pool end, we can wear sweaters, mittens

Fill our belly with hot food, fall deeply into untroubled sleep, awaken knowing
You are there, I am there; the smell of a mother's strong coffee reminds you
That children were born before you, being up at night nursing a baby has been
My life, enjoying the sounds of children growing up like weeds, becoming all
They can be, and that fated moment has ended (let it go Patty), we are now
Together, you can take my hand, and I'll smile, maybe giggle, if you let me be

The mother you need, miss, grew angry at you were waiting
At the door that was locked to me forever, and I'll say this
Who cares it is just a door today, what you need is within your heart
My heart has connected to yours across the miles, but I am here

The pine trees grow old out there, they flush needles about, they crunch when
Frozen, the large magnolia trees are older than dirt, and the curving back road
Reminds me I'd get carsick driving in and out of Richmond, today I prefer a city
Where people are about, shielding me from my inner thoughts which can drop
Rapidly to sadness, only if we do not skip and jump high, do you see that kite
Far above us, floating like a soaring eagle so high above the noise below

Climb higher with me, hold your beautiful head up high to the clouds
Open your eyes to the world around you, there is a huge welcome sign
Just for you, asking you to take one ginger step into the world
Where no one demands, and the silent screams are long gone

Love is so simple, so deep and forever; one cannot separate a child from her
Mother, not anyone for we are strong, we are titanium steel we are fragile like
Gentle daisy flowers, we are petals in God's warm hand, we are growing taller
Today we see above the oppression of those deranged, for this love of ours
Is powerful, everlasting and unconditional, let us walk slowly for I am not so
Young anymore and must learn how to move my legs again, but I will walk

With you, hold your hand, I can hold you if you like, or act as if
You are some ancient adult who knows it all, and can learn nothing
But when you look into my loving eyes, and see my heart love you
You can be just who you are today, don't run away, come closer still

This day will be glorious, a cause for celebration, this special time will mark the
Beginning of all beginnings, and the anxiety of history will sink to the deep sea bottom
No rock can be thrown to us, we will turn from adversity, and I will listen to your
Thoughts, your dreams, and give you my opinion, intellect, and all my love if you
Let me, take your fear to the dumpster I do this daily, get on your knees with me
For I turn it all over to God at least two times a day, no one is perfect, our love is

Creation, you are beautiful, I am serene knowing all you are today
Awed by your likeness to me, proud of your individuality, I miss
You in my life but realize that I can fill myself now when we meet
Till I am overflowing with all you are, so proud am I of you, so proud

Let us be grateful for our innocence, to who we are
The smell of strong coffee beckons, sit down let's sip
Talk awhile, find peace, for we are now friends
I am here, let me help you over the hump
You are here, you can help me know the truth
I love you my daughter, my friend, my miracle
I am laughing, join with me, it is ok, we are free...

No Ice in this Heart of Mine...

My Artic Reef
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Saturday October 27th, 2007

Here the ice water is filling me, telling me get out, you will sink like a dead weight
Petulant rock you are, blonde hair flowing behind, skin pale, eyes glazed in frozen
Sea blue (where oh where), little girl big girl (you oh you), singing sips and drabs of
Her song, this is no nursery rhyme anymore, let the beat fill you up, the heat spreads
Becomes vapor as it touches your icy form, you are solid, immobile, do not dance
AnGeLinTranCe do not move, it is too late, alarm clock on, then off, slowly sinking

Drinking in sighs and happy tears you believe
She is coming, you sit vigilant on the mountain top
Warrior stance again, never to sleep (is she a dream)
Silence is deafening, louder, that scream, is coming from

Deeper than your blackest abyss, there is a mile marker pointing downward will you
Skip past it, will fear rattle you, shake you (break you bitch), and there are tiny
Pebbles you try to grasp with toes gripping so hard, beads of sweat wet firm and
You freeze again, there is a snowstorm childhood dream, red parka, wooly hat
Red cheeks flaring for all to see, your beauty, your pain is deep, can they truly
"See me do you fucking see me do you SEE?!" deeper, sinking, unconscious

Now there is a mask, who is that man beating me
Slamming me, fist to face, fist to ribs, fist to stomach
Virgin blood drips beyond this snow white lace between
My legs (I am dead I am dead) his dick rapes, sodomize me

Little girl I love you so, look at you (is it me) so beautiful outside, inside, all sides
If I knew you would wave good bye, turn around, run to the prisoner, then I'd never
Hurt as I do now, you grew within me; nourished by light, I heard your voice before
You pounded your way out to this soggy world, wiped clean, laid upon my belly
Baby fist, hands open and close, those fingers etched in my heart, one by one
Yours to mine, mine to yours (we are one), we are one, let me know if really

You know I love you so, do you really know that I
Love you so, do you know, I know I love you so
Techno beat connecting me cell phone light speaks
"Patty, Patty my heart" she is here calling me, yes me

Children all over love me, know me, they are not mine but see in my eyes that I am
Far from this Artic freeze, far from this frozen block of ice, far from what you were led
To believe a LIE is not me, a hateful burning rotten egg man, perhaps he is not quite
Sane, and his yellow eyes are maggot flavored ring worm size, pin headed, bowel
Bloated retching mad man (I don't love you never did), you found me with another
Snatched me up, I was so young, tender but strong, so pretty I, am just a butter cup

Dancer I all night long, earning my applause, my following, I know
Your right from your wrong, you play a guitar, drink stench cream scotch
Your mother padlocks her bedroom door at night, your father is a bot
Brother insane, drunk, his brain too large for his thought I am not of you

Years go by and threads rip and tear from this tattered coat, it is too cold here and
Hitch hiking back (Jersey who cares) a truck stops we jump in (Molly and I) and
We can go south, or west (to Ohio) we do not care for college is a choice and our
Parents never in our young lives heard (that voice deeper than life) and the will, the
Truth the way had nowhere a roadmap to this life of sadness, scholarship girl don't go
Don't marry that sad abuser, (go, I said go), and now I land in this Artic clime, alone

I am farther away then you can find, deeper than your eyes will reach
On a map not written, a continent undefined, you see my love I am the
Only mother you had, past tense (are you happy), I am larger than
Today when you call me little, small, can you say I might die, I live

Longer than sad songs, more rapidly than insects racing in the heat of summer, yet
I too am human, one who suffers such a loss that you drive me down to the depths of
INSANITY, yes you my daughters each of you in your proverbial world that you built
Outside the castle moat (alone inside) and there is no way my hand in love can pull
You back unless I say "yes" I'll come inside, have a cup of coffee, peer into his dead
Red ugly sunken eyes, I will not do this for you, or you, even you, most of all for me

We are digging the warm earth up, planting bright red impatiens beside the
White and purple pansy of my youth, the fragrant roses bless us with futile
Blossoms we are soaring like snow white doves, together we speed like eagles
Our eyes brilliant we have the dexterity of hawks, but we are human, we are

Mother and child, we are friends, we study and laugh, we make sounds, we awaken
Expecting love, we go to sleep at night safe and sound, until the bomb erupted and
The tidal wave came, we sunk and choked on water, our lungs blew out, and when
We came to, you were gone, and I was two thousand miles away walking barefoot
Upon the desert plain, small oil pumps repeatedly bringing up crude, sweet drawling
Texans brought comfort, some sanity, nourished my heart (emotional food) but

I love you this moment in time, please see this deep within my eyes
This time I will hold you (won't ever let you go), come very close
This truth I bestow, just one last time, for you most beautiful child of mine
A princess you are, an angel you will be, the Lord God brought me home

To your heart, careful, step gingerly
Closer, there is no day or night
Not here there is no frozen ice
Feel my love, absorb it so you
Etch it in your heart this time
Forevermore, forever, more
When will you know all of it
I love you, I love you, so?

Good bye Heart

Wasted Time
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Thursday October 25th, 2007


Sitting in filth, stench, you feel the same, what I see in front of me is
Hardly ten years old, but lost, gone, free from me; she is so bold
Wondering in platitudes, circles, embryo broken shell, she hops, skips
Trips (to fall down), stands and looks around (Mommy), and that funny
Mean faced man stares her down (get up), she remembers the love
Silly girl, come to me (a hug), "are you ok" (scraped knee), a kiss

Oh I miss (the kiss), your warmth (toaster oven)
Your pudgy hand (in mine) holding on (yes I too)
Pretty face, reflects, and constantly checks to see
"Where has Mommy gone" I am here, I am here, I am

Finding you grown up, my heart and soul, do you think, or even fear
I won't love you just as you are, don't ever scare, there is no beauty
Subtle rose, scent of spring, magnolia trees; you are the one that God
Gave me, my miracle child you grew within, I watched your heart beat
One day again I feel you close (I withdraw) don't take her away, never
Again for she is special (my little friend), and I know "I love you today."

Do not think in ten long years my smile or face could
Mask those tears, I burned inside, a pain of loss, but never
Stopped the hope, that ray of sunshine forever shine as your
Biggest blue eyes climbed deep, so very deep, right into mine

Tell me this if you don't mind, if you are happy why want to die, why
Look in the mirror betray our way, why look to lies, and walk away for
I cannot tell you on here or there, the deepest love we alone can share
How to heal, to rectify; to make a promise out of all those lies, I can
Hold you on one sad Tuesday, sit with you exhausted (and your sister)
But what I want is to cry, to make it go away (all those lies) deny me this?

I did not come to this dirty town, with cruel and insane robots
To hang around, the air is fetid, the world is bare, there are
Brown bag drunks beneath bridges, I won't see it anywhere
Don't expect me to hang around, to feel rejected, to go down

You tell me all I miss has gone away, you are used to the abuse, is this all
You have to say; months ago you begged for me (again and again) and he
Smacked your heart right in the face, despite your plea, how is it Patty I
Understand, knew all you hid inside without your hand, inside of mine holding
Tight, how is it I knew each cold, dark night; that you love this, and hate that
After ten years how could I have ESP or mind read all, deny me you, deny that

You cannot answer two simple questions, does part of you want to say
"Just go away Mom I'll pretend you never came," and the way I am
Who can play, this journey made this loving heart, will never stop this
Love if we do part, will you email me, call me one time, will you cry

The beauty of sunrise, and a clear dark sky, the miracle of your birth, not to die
The years from beginning till now add higher still, do you realize that time won't
Stop dear heart, when I turn away, drive and cry, this last time, the highest hill
One day in anger the fear will end, but I won't be there for my baby girl, the one
Who sat to study with me (my dearest friend), you'll be sad memory in my dying
Heart, what I wanted to give tossed away, so do we part, this broken, dead heart

The time wasted ends
Begins, turns, and bends
Please never cry, when I go
Dear God I tried, to YOU I know
Goes all the love, make her happy
Let me know, now, it's time to go...

Anger...

Bone Friction
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Monday October 22, 2007


Elderberry elephant perfume, sprayed upon the boggy leg
She is limping like a broken tree limb, cracked yet that swollen
Fat calf is bulging like a festering boil, the stench could kill and
The factory smells are sweet in comparison, the morning sky pink
Polluted, sludge filled candy cane, where is faith and hope where
Is the light at the end of the tunnel, where are you, yes you?

Little girl lost in the grocery store, crying for her mother
Frozen in the aisle where tin foil and garbage bags are
Stacked too neatly, crying so hard she cannot breathe
If she waits much longer she will pass out, no mother

He barricades the door, locks the lock, sweats as he digs through
Piles of letters postmarked in Texas, he even smells one of them
Her perfume assaults his senses, and piss red anger boils in his
Pale washed out gray not deep blue eyes, they are sunken deep
Like two ugly caves, his mouth is set solid, he misses the cool
Fall breeze, sounds of laughter; his ignorance disallows life, ending

She dances freely, moving her body openly to the sounds
The simple beat it is louder than her pain, she is happy for
This moment, tasting freedom for a second, then she looks around
Afraid she will be caught in motion, in what feels good, she runs away

There is a large black snake on the circular drive, he comes over with the
Ax and breaks it in two, it attempts to get closer reminding him the bite
Will feel like death even if the venom lacks poison, he could live through the
Pain or continue to kill the snake, chopping it into unrecognizable pieces
Until it no longer is a snake, but a mashed mess of parts, and the smell
If left out in this hot sun will fill the air with the truth, he has no conscience

You used to love ice cream, and would sit licking the last drop dry
If you asked for more I'd let you eat until your belly was full, you
Never were hungry, tired, or scared even when he blew up like a
Bomb you could come into my arms and know peace, so come

There are volumes written, experts define and diagnose, yet we are the patriots
The warriors, the soldiers dressed in military uniform, we are human despite our
Battle stance, we love with hearts of pure gold even though the enemy must be
Stopped, for the land of the free, the home of the brave is our deepest heart
We march solemnly in single file ahead, we are aware of the seasons changing
The time is now, the enemy sees us approach, and we face him head on, it is done

We hold hands and walk, no one cares even though this place
Is filled with unhappiness, we must build our white picket fence
From scratch, we must let the puppy dog out, we must make the
Bed, we must eat dinner, rest, and sleep deeply, we must live...

I don't like this mall anymore, old memories of sad days, and a family broken remain
New stores, old stores, the years have not changed the place or the time we can
Walk down here, get in the car, drive west; stop and rest, drive west, and see now
This state is different, the next will be closer to home, the sky is opening like a huge
Womb ready to give birth, you are relaxed I see you smile and then fall to sleep
I keep on driving because the closer we get to home, the more you will be you...

He cannot bear his own image in the mirror and I am happy to say
We do not have to live there, hear his voice, or take his commands
If he knew love as we do he would never have taken you from the
Only mother (me) you will ever have (me) and you are my heart

Sweet child wash off the elephant perfume, throw away the trash lining your deepest
Soul, let the spring water cleanse you, purify the fear, and soon it will all go away
We need prove nothing for the proof of the living is the kindness we show, this
Time is precious, every minute is carved in platinum, and no one will own you
Disown you, possess you; abuse you again, let us walk barefoot in the meadow
Put our feet down in this cool mountain stream, say a prayer, get in the car

We are there, we are here
Where are we
We are home...

Unfair Two (2)

Unfair Two (2)
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Sunday October 21, 2007


On the fireplace are dolls, brightly painted faces, lips too red, I am
Looking up, my tiny body wrapped in fresh cotton, my mother's skin is
Warm on my cheek, today I was born, my oldest sister's birthday too
Smells of heat (new), pizza (in breast milk); cold, white snowflakes line
The cracked gray sidewalks outside, "I was born today" and the first night
I sleep all night through, Momma and I stay by the fireplace, on my

Birthday, my first day on this earth, it is winter night
I am the fifth daughter born, I came early there is a
Life to come, oh she loves me, her voice is my
Measuring cup of life, she calls me pea the first time

Smiling, giggling sisters always around me, my life is filled with the sounds
Older girls like stepping stones, bright blue eyes, they each hold me close
Kristen has strep throat the first day we must all go to the pediatrician and
He proclaims me very healthy, life begins, my Momma feeds me when I am
Hungry, changes my little pants when I am wet, when she goes to kidney failure
Her breasts engorge, I must suck the bottle, she comes back, and she feeds me

I learn how to laugh, burp, wiggle, and feel the sun for
She takes us for walks each day, I can find her with my
Eyes closed I know all of her (and she does me) she will
Never, never do me harm, where is my Momma she is gone

Virginia brings us fear, it is hot, humid, burning, and those odd people there
Smile and do bad acts behind your back, the neighbors are filled with hate and
They drive it like a car in and out the driveway, they plot to harm, they are bent
Like old men with arthritis, we swim in the summer, people exclaim how pretty
We are, but at first they do not know how crazy he is, breaking up the house
When he starts screaming I hear Momma's gentle voice, I pretend I am in

The office studying next to her, she takes me very seriously
We get new markers, my pictures are vivid and real, and I never
Am hungry, not too hot or cold for she always makes sure I am
A "miracle" and so loved, she cries more it seems and works hard

His voice screams so loud there is silence; watching furniture break, telephones
Rip out of the wall in quiet is better, much later we must sneak around cleaning
Up it takes almost three days for him then to speak to any of us, unless he
Picks one sister to be "on his side" then he will curse us, berate us, and during
Those days at least three will be beaten; slammed on the walls, choked, but
Momma has no fear she puts her body in between he and my sisters, we know

This alone, I am too young to go to a friend's house I am little
My Momma plays with me, and never leaves me astray, I enjoy the
Woods, digging in dirt, and in the afternoon I can go out back
Digging, running, waiting for my sisters to get home and she

Calls me inside, I smell dinner bubbling, cooking, or baking, always a load of
Clothes washing (there are five girls), and when he is at work there is freedom from
His constant hate, he scares me you know, why does Momma not fear his hate
She emerges and grows, her band (KKR) sings of rape, hate, and beatings she goes
For therapy, my oldest sister is making life hard, she runs away, they say she heard
A sound in her ear at age eight, has schizophrenia, Momma is a nurse, she mourns

Stays up all night, holds my big sister (we need you too Momma)
He ignores problems uses his work as an excuse so she cleans this
House (we do chores with her), goes to school, works two jobs
Kristen keeps running further, Momma will hold her all night long

We go to the therapist, he is kind to us, he tells us we must speak the truth of
What our oldest sister does to us, he tells us now that Momma has us all in
School, she is back in college, working; we start telling him that Kris is trying
To poke our eyeballs with pins, sticking items in our butt crack, we stop for
Momma is crying and cannot stop she is filling with guilt will she burst like a
Balloon; Robert tells her "Karen it is not your fault he is not there, it's ok.."

Kim is in Momma's band, Kim loves Momma so much and
Gets her "toilet green Fender Stratocaster" for she really knows
How to play, sometimes they write songs in the office and they
Play their first gig on the Eric Stanley radio show, Sunday night

There is not enough time, everyone is busy, and sometimes Kris is at home
For months with a teacher after being psychotic, running off, not taking her
Medication, she is running out of "private pay" and when Momma fights the
System for comprehensive services the County turns on her for they deny
Momma goes to the Governor and demands help for her child, she is an
Advocate even today 'she fights for those in pain' she had practice at home

Something happens at work, our Momma is injured and has
Pain it is spreading like acid on her skin, she cannot take a
Hot bath, she cannot sleep, her favorite cotton socks hurt her
She is up at night (all night) every night for two whole months

She cannot walk, she feels like she is dying, at times she takes a catnap
Finally she goes alone in the cold winter night with a thick tree branch
Dragging her bad right leg, falling down, crawling back up, he yells that
Everyone will see her, we are not allowed to go for these night walks
We worry and worry, we worry more; she is gone for hours and it is so
Bitter cold there are clear ice shards forming on green tree leaves, and

We hear the sliding door she is back, her face is red and
Her blue eyes filled with tears, she says "I will walk again I will"
We ask, "Mom can we come with you tomorrow night," she
Says "no not yet I must do this alone" and she means it we

Go to school, she is so tired, she is sent to another physician who tells
Her "you will die if you do not control this pain you have RSD" and she is
A nurse saying "I won't take this shit" and finally she cannot stand the
Pain and takes a new medicine at six that night, makes a strong cup of
Coffee, and stands on two legs and says "It does not hurt so bad" and
We wait on the deck fearful (she left her tree branch), and she returns

She is smiling and says "I can walk I can walk again I can walk!"
I have missed her laughter, she is bubbling up, smiling and pulls
Little me on her lap and I say "Mom I don't want to hurt you"
She says "You never can Pea I love you with all my heart"

Her daddy is my grandfather I never met him he died before she married
My father, but she told me long ago, "Daddy called me sweet pea"
My sisters tell me "no it's because your name starts with a P," but
As years pass I know she means that I am just like her, and she loves
Me, loves me loves me loves me, and never can I forget even when the
Storm comes sweeping her away, and my life is deranged, changed,

"Momma where are you Momma come home MOMMA MOMMA!"
My voice screams only in my dreams where it is safe to remember
Her smell, her loving arms around me, her lips on my forehead urging
Me to sleep, saying our prayers, laughing, eating, where is she?

He blames her, tells us lies that we have to believe, we do not really believe
For deep in our hearts we know her heart, she loves us so much, we are
Puppets he is using us to obtain money (we do not know), and she is trying
To get us to her, she is dying to get us to her, we feel her but are told she
Is a lie, we are told she is sick, we are told she is living with a man, she is
Adultering our father, but who was that ugly DJ that he hurt our Momma with

I am too young for this confusion and my sisters try to cover me
With hugs, they do not know that what they do they learned from
ONE person alone our "Momma" they do not feel like her, but am
Glad a few remain, hardship is here, he tells us there is no money

He makes us all wear braces, he is going out to dinner all the time, he is
Working less, has new clothes, and he is tape recording when Momma calls
He goes to court every week and tells a lie, the lie grows to thousands of
Lies but I have a secret in my heart I know my Momma is coming back
When I look in the mirror I see Momma (but it is me) and my sisters tell me
"Patty you look just like Mom" and it hurts for I miss her, need her, love her

I make animal sounds alone now, I have friends to go to
He lets me stay over night so I escape him for when he looks at
Me his eyes are vacant, empty and scare me he does not do
Loving things, when he hugs me I cringe, that dirty woman is

Living here, sleeping in his bed, they make dirty noises, my sisters and I get
Sick and try to escape, leave often, I do many school activities, study for
Momma and I studied every day I am a good student but I think my life is not
Right it is empty, I miss her laughter, holding my hand, our afternoon naps
It is a sick soap opera, he is trying to get a judge to say our Momma cannot
Call and now she calls only two times a day for five minutes, the Judge did this

He lies and says the Judge made all the choices
He lies to his lawyer and the Judge, if he lies to them
Does he lie to us, we see Momma has pictures she is
Half naked and is losing weight, he is enraged he is angry

We do not see the letters of love, poems written for us, little presents, she always
Remembers what we need, never did we go sick without a doctor visit, warm soup,
Ice pops for the fever, she kept us safe and warm; we did not know she did not
Know how to leave him and has lived in abuse until she went to Texas and learned
That no one lives like this, we are seeing at our friend's houses their parents do not
Rage (like he does), terrorize (he does), beat children (he does), not our Momma

She is gone, gone with the wind, far away he says
Two thousand miles she did not have to go there but
The judge won't let her see us, she can be arrested if
She hugs us, our Momma is a RN, not a criminal it is

Wrong but he did it and got away with it, we fear we are next, we do not share this
When CPS comes he stays in the room, some of us are angry and tell the truth
He denies it, moans about raising five girls on his own, he never did much anyhow
Momma did it all for us, I miss her I hope she does not forget me, he says she
Abandoned us, he is beating our minds down, he pretends he knows what we do
The older sisters traded lies to escape him, they live with men in Richmond

Skipping past the years, Jenny and David are gone I am left
With that woman who sleeps with our father, she is foreign
I do not like her and she hates me, she says you look like your
Mother (I am proud to look like Momma), "your Mom is bad."

Unfair to have her here now, ten years gone, I look in the mirror I am grown my
Sisters all tell me to move out, move in with my boyfriend, they do not know I am
Waiting at the door for the lie to end, and it did; my Momma returned and she tells
Me the truth, and I feel sick, his lie was so big I wanted to die, he would not hear me
Asking only to speak to my mother, if I heard her and she me she would know and
The pain might end but he pretends she is gone, she is not, she is back here

She is in pain, PAIN, but the pain in her heart she says
Is worse than any pain she has known in her body and
She wants me free, healthy, she wants me in her life
She told me "home is where the heart is" and then

"Come home Patty, come to me
You can walk out that door never look back
I don't want you living in abuse anymore
I love you with all my heart be free
Come home Patty, come to me.."

It's not fair, to me, is it
"I love you too Momma with all my heart"
She says, "Please come home to me..."

Patty you must do this, not me...

Unfair
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 19, 2007


Hard labor, leg chains, beaten with omission, the warden released me early
In this state, the "death watch" is enough so broken, bleeding, covered with regret
I stumble out the gates, the sunlight eats me alive (like moth holes deeper) and
The trudge begins, why put the chains about me again, I am not the prisoner
The wrongly accused the bitter little tin man farts, his stick legs break, and he falls
Back into the hole he created, and I laugh, the burden of proof undone, gone, hello!

My play dough test tank bumps over desert dirt
No cactus, no sand, but coyote holes and remnants
A bone or two left behind polished snow white in the
Hot sun, the sun stays up until eleven at night in summer

Heat, it is hot, you are boiling over like salt water for pasta, rippling first then
Steaming, evaporating bit by bit, if you do not do it soon there will be nothing
Left, I did not turn the heat up, ignore the flame, go off (in my head) to obey
Everyday people who have no clue I am scared to death of what I need, love
Believe in, can't I be ten years old now and wait for someone to YELL at me
"Patty do this Patty did you hear me Patty go to your room" she won't budge

My God she drives alone, she is truly my mother but
More of her, she is more, bigger, taller, but smaller in form
Her laughter is full, she speaks her total mind, my eyes
Search her (like hunger I seek nourishment) and I feel her

Where is she when he does this, I cannot believe she left me behind, I am
Sorry she abandoned me, he is acting out a part in a play, we are all listening
He is covering the screams, our tears, our broken hearts with new lies, and
We are standing in quicksand together holding hands, some of us nod "yes"
We decide he won't probe, dig, dive into our deepest feelings if we pretend
To go along with the lie, it is Christmas the tree is dead, where is Momma

She is sitting alone with an old doggie, the pilot went to his family
It is snowing, blowing, she looks pretty and a weight descends in her
Chest, her "little girl" is so alone, and she puts the dog in her car
Drives to McDonalds for dinner, it is stale, they eat alone, a doggie

His stinking whore leaves behind pubic hair in the tub, we have to clean it up
"Do chores" and she can't see her kids, "what did Momma do so bad" and
He spins his web, his lie he says "your mother does not even pay a dime"
He gets over sixty thousand dollars in ONE year from Momma's disability fund
He goes to court, he lives in court tells the judge "she does not pay" and the
Judge is paid by another LIE (Nanny), and the sperm donor goes for child support

She cries now every time she calls, I know in my heart she means it
I cannot escape I tell her "it's ok Mom we'll be together when I'm 18"
One time my sister takes me for a walk, we jump in the car and
There is my Momma we hold on tight, I did not know I love her but

She left that day with a huge reality, it cut her like a big butcher knife, she bled
Deeper than the living can bleed, she counted the time until "I'm 18" and could
Not stand it another day, if it were not for that funny looking man getting her to
The airport back to that big strong man in the bayou who kept telling her year after
Year "Karen the kids will hurt you you'll see" she would have died, she left that
Afternoon and could not stop crying, I did not know, it's not my fault right?

My sister is sick, pregnant, they are moving in the house something
Is wrong, and the whore keeps beating us emotionally saying we will
"End up just like our mother" and my sister shoves her up the wall and
Screams "You don't know our mother and leave my little sister alone!'

He makes her move out (relief) but now he cannot pillage, rape, and abuse her
Behind that bedroom door where Momma's gifts, letters, and love are locked in
A huge box, we do not know (why is Momma not writing, calling) we know he
Thinks he is in Watergate, wiretapping the phone calls, I cannot even shit
Anymore it is like he is up my fucking ass prying the crap out of me the fuck
Not me (I am) sweet Peca, no one but no one can go with me, MOMMY MOMMY

I am screaming no one hears me, I am dying day by day and
No one can help me, they say I look like her and sound like her
Where is she why won't she save me, doesn't she know, he says
She is a fucking whore on crack, not my Momma, is it so, is it?

His whore is worn out, she pretends men are chasing her, she acts as if she's hot
Plucked chicken, jealous old woman, he won't marry her he asked us if we'd mind
I cried and cried and he stopped asking (am I finally in control of this horror story)
Momma does not call me anymore, my sister nearly died and the baby is weak, and
They plot to move out, they do not have the money, then one day they are packed
Up, they are leaving (don't leave me Jenny please stay please) I hug them good bye

He sells the house, he is looking pale, he gets a letter stating he
Must pay back eighty thousand dollars plus interest for forging
Paperwork on Mrs. Karen George, he plots deeply and then cries
Nanny hates the whore, she won't pay up, we are moving, going

My house is empty, this house is odd and he buys new furniture I am hiding my
Momma deeper in my heart for I am unsafe here, do not like it here, and I am seeing
The LIE eating him up, devouring him but I am a child, (leave me alone), and angry
Do not see I am purging it out, looking for my mother she will purify me, sit me up
On her lap and hug me, rock me, oh she loves to love me, kiss my forehead each
Night only then can I sleep, sometimes I wake up and she is not there, I cry and cry

I am old enough but beaten down, he modified me like a Skinnerian rat
The bell goes off and I respond, he does not know I will die soon and
He and his whore can go fuck off, I will find Momma when I go
Momma are you here I am coming Momma I need you

Over and over I will ask at measured months "I want to see Mom" and he lies
Feeding his fat lie, he trips up, we hear contradictions but we all want to be free
Soon we see he is stalking us when we leave, where can we escape he will be
Following he is a pitiful old goat, but he won't leave us alone, I ask my sisters
"How is Mom" and they quickly and too fast answer "She is good, she is ok"
They change the topic, he taught them that lie, they LIE too, she is not good

There she is, I am in her arms searching, digging, hiding in her scent
She is holding me afraid she might squeeze me too hard (never) and we
Cry but the tears are joyful, fresh, spring rain, and behind me is my
Sister dropping tears of happiness, but we still answer to the WARDEN

We are prisoners, Momma wants me free, she offers me solace, a life out there
I realize I am living within my inner self (alone) and the fear, anxiety, and weak spot
Is a choice, do I leave myself in there and go out there, do I struggle to find my
Momma each day, will she die tomorrow or live forever, can I even ask this from God
I am spinning in circles, sleep fitfully having dreams of truth, she is waiting but not
Patient, she tells me "no I have waited ten long years come home come to me"

The first week after I see her she says there is no reason to be here
If she is harming her family she will go "home" to Texas and three
Sisters plot and fight it but none of us, not one can do right by her
Accept the truth that she fought harder, longer, and near died trying

I make excuses, see people I can see anytime, not realize that each day I avoid
Her I cut her heart, she bleeds, I come out to the real world each day, testing the
Ground (it is hard I can stand up) but it is noisy, people are laughing and happy,
They do not answer to an old warden swinging his keys, slamming my peaceful
Moments with his raspy high pitched voice, staring at me with hatred, Momma tells
Me abusers are frightened, filled with fear, they are weak, she opens her arms

Unfair it is not fair, Momma waits for me each day, she is human
Has some life outside of us, but she came here almost dead to give
Me peace and make sure my sister had medical help she is strong
We think she is so strong she can live another ten years with one visit

We are wrong, we are wrong, we are making a mistake, and that old man is
Rotting in his lie (it is not our fault) and my therapist is so proud that I saw her
Was I supposed to see her again, is this a test, did I get an "A" will I pass
She tells me now I have many decisions to make, I think I am safe now knowing
Momma loves me, but why is Momma crying, shaking her head feeling as if
I don't love her (I do) now I see she won't come in this world, she is free

I am spinning, laughing, running outside to play and she is
There waiting, smiling, giggling with me, we make animal sounds
We lay down, take a nap, eat dinner, take a bath and
I sleep like an angel, someone took my life, stole my mother

I heard my voice screaming in a court room "Mommy no"
She is on the floor but not asleep
The silent scream scares me
"Momma can you hear me?"
She won't get up, where is she?
I should go now, see her now
I am afraid "God please help me"
She holds me close, "hold me closer"
"I love you Patty it is time to go..."

To my littlest girl "you are the world.."

Remember Me...
for my beautiful girl, Patricia Mae-Hallenbeck-Sikorsky
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 17, 2007


The autumn rain did blush, petrified brown leaves mixing like a poorly
Battered cake in the gutter, pink rivers flow, and tears on top like
Sprinkles, they are timeless, we are endless, but still sweet even
With this salt upon my tongue (I cry silently), for you sit still next
To me, your warm hand curled onto mine, I squeeze it gently never
To think (today, tonight, forevermore) you're gone, will you remember me?

I hate that sunken floor that creaks, the pot belly stove
We never light, that sliding door that slams it's cold
"Mommy please" and I reply "Yes Patty here" and
On my lap you sit so small, so warm, thank God

Remember me, twenty my father died, empty in heart I left her behind
No mother she not one day in all those years, she yelled, she screamed
The fear of my child's hand or touch upon her face; her hair forbid me
Playing "grown up or made up face" and nights of terror my sex she
Defiled, but God the Father saves the child, I think my oversized heart
Will break, did my greatest love for you leave unmade, remember me...

Your sisters older went off to school, but you love me
And I love you, the child in me could sit and play and
You sat still did homework, not you the fake so even at
Age four you knew how to love, "how to too," remember

You will not know the death inside, the system fed an eternal LIE, five
Girls taught love, to smile in heart, to be the best, accept, to start
Life this way I did not know born into my mother's abuse change is slow
But earthquakes defy a daily routine, and tidal waves drown all, to send
One lonely heart to death today, Wednesday follows Tuesday did I know?
You'd wait (you'd wait) I'd cry (you'd wait) I'd die (you'd wait) please, oh

Please do not forget, I ask one request from you
This day, don't make ten years "our routine" for
Precious life too short may end, I clear my throat
Wipe my tears away I ask you "Pea remember me..."

There you sat with Jepp that day I saw you, (filled me), froze me, (killed me)
Shake my heart, shake my soul, shake my legs and yet no part of me ever
Could be bold, humble mother gone for ten; that prison sentence no crime
No end, the bars inside me tumbled down, God help me she's beautiful
The wall shattered into millions of rock hard confetti pieces, spread the sound
Silence (don't cry Karen) you are in my arms (don't let go Karen) I remember me

Before that Tuesday dying day by day, death my wish
But a mother stays, for if she loves as I love you she could
Not die until the truth was given you in an unmarked box, no
Ribbons, or bows but extravagant in cost, for each year I remained

To live alone, to mark the minutes not even your special voice on the telephone
I bled, (hemorrhaged) I cried (drowned) I hurt (cancer of the soul) I loved
Completely with the memory of you, this mother owns, from deep inside a seed
To know, through nine months carrying you (I did know), to the day you stepped
Down and cried "I am here" put on my breast the snowstorm cleared, and we
Your first night sat before the fireplace, you held my hand, oh my God remember me

Pity is sorry, humble is proud, memories are not today
We can carve new, and save laughter, a smile, funny sounds
Replace the pain with soft love that only a mother and daughter
Know, be strong in adversity, one solid seed together we sow

No anxiety can enter this doorway to the sky, come with me and view this
Huge landscape, blue infinity and white clouds (like a blushing bride) and
The blessing (our miracle) as we stand side by side, hang up the phone
Turn off the computer it is just us talking with freedom to love and be
As we were before that long misplaced ride, today we walk legs strong
Feet on the ground, this journey worth every minute of you I am proud

Remember me (I you), remember we are this lifetime
You are you, and a mother knows to count each child
(One, two, three, four, five) and turn to the Father and
His lesson, head bowed and I say aloud "Thank God..."

You need to study, go to work, hide your face; you need to remember that
It is a choice that you alone make, for ten years you could not open a door
Left wide open you cried and were ignored, until you grew as I did inside
Until you hurt yourself, when your requests and pleas were denied, until
That anger nearly took your life, and "Momma knew something" but our
Family is a LIE; so I ask you "please come to destroy anxiety" for you

Must trust your mother, she can't lie
Never hurt you, not me
I promise you our love, our peace will
Grow, remember this seed
Only Pea and Momma know
C'mere little girl, c'mere to me
I love you with all my heart so
Please (dear God) let her, oh please
Remember me...

Turning Step....Today

Turning Step
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Sunday October 14, 2007


When did dying day become life, elusive stranger clothed in black,
Face hidden in dawn light "is he here or not" and the dream soothed
Back, sleep came for a few hours, awaken I to the blinding sun
Streaming in my conscious mind (not just my eyes) betraying the
Deep truth of dark night, where is "alone" but here within my spirit
Beaten, twisted, pushed so far down the abyss, sewer smell so low

Young faces, bright voices, sisters fighting,
Oh they love with such power, so innocent
To "why" and how but their mother held them
Closer than her heart would know, do they know

No sleep, not now, to smell the stranger nearer, his steps vivid and
A hawk cries, screeches, and he flies further than man can see and
Musty basement smells, freshly dug earth remind me of a funeral
An empty box awaits my presence, and the blue sky has gone on
Vacation, the memory is dying, waving like a flag, my emotions are
Escaping my heart, and my weak hand tries to wave good bye

I love her she is so like me in appearance
Her eyes bright, her smile direct, but how can I
Explain ten years, a million nights, and my love
Which has grown, guided, and fed her today, how?

Driving too slow, need new tires, sometimes the highway stretches
So far, thousands of miles I fled (taking me along anyhow) and there is
No state that I recognize, they all are the same, and it is now that the
Reality is clear in my mind, "I am me" and nowhere I go will that change
The people who have passed through me cannot know me unless I
Open this door, it used to be locked, now it is open, come in, come...

Affirmation of what I gave all of you, values
Daily love, three meals, my heart oh yes
We played but cowered from his hate and
Anger, his flailing fists, his abuse, come here

Now this day is alone, just twenty four lazy hours, the stranger somehow
Escaped, vanished no longer is there fear in my heart who cares he is
A deranged irritation a vision of nothing, I am alive, here standing where
The sun rises and sets, the birds fly south for the winter, and clocks
Tell the time (that is all), and what counts is what I see in your blue eyes
Reflect back to mine, this is love unconditional we are blessed you and I

The night is shorter than this day
I am here, within you
I love you, do not fear
Today...

I do not want to leave you...so...

Love in a Bucket
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 7, 2007


It is not fall, the wind stopped, the air humid, thick, pollen sifts in and out
Hazy, unhappy droopy people, unclean they cannot smile (today), the church bell
Rings somewhere nice, mid west town, some children dressed up, shiny faces
Clean stand waiting to go to Sunday School, and their parents slept last night
Not drunk, cheating, but together they are happy and calm, I envy you I scream
Silent monotone here, muted, my voice is lead, and low; they can't hear me

Storm brewing the sky was gray, some spattered rain drops
Then nothing (again), the people know they are miserable
Repeating footsteps, hidden titty bars, drunken men, petulant
Whores underage, and women grow old crying in a pillow

I hate the day it changed (for you and me), it was summer, I did not know
West Texas heat where there is no humidity and energy flows through your body
Where one hundred year old ladies push their grocery carts and live to speak
In sweet sounds, they coo, and laugh, they love, and the sky is of God it is
Always infinite, never ending, lovers laugh and hold hands, and they are
Millionaires inside their soul, they dance together, sleep in peace, I love them

I've flown around, back and forth, to and from, in and out
Learned to cat nap, catch rest, stay awake for days, I learned
To be safe, to trust those people in West Texas to keep me
From harm, from the hurt back here, from the hate, from abuse

Don't believe your sister, she loved all of Texas, from Houston to Austin to
Midland which is my home, if I die tomorrow in this fetid, piss smelling town of
Richmond, Virginia then I won't know anyhow, can't complain one more day of the
Months spent trying to help one sister get medical help, waiting to hold one sister
Who lives the right way, and to re-unite with a sweet pea girl, in ribbons and bows
Oh you grew real tall, but you never stopped opening the front door, seeing me

Every court appearance until they did not tell me of one
Then two, you were not there, he hid you away
You wanted to come, to see me, I did not know he
Taped our talks and knew what we wanted, needed

Somewhere far away, told so many lies you stopped listening (thank you)
Crying little girl tears when we could not snuggle, take a nap, shop, or greet our
Day with those special words "I love you with all my heart" and not once did
My heart stop beating right back to yours, even in those anxiety attacks you
Developed when emptiness bit you like a wild bee, hurt you, and your best friend
(Your mother), just wasted away, we could dance alone solo, ten long years gone by

Today you are rearing like a bull, angry (not at me)
Not writing or picking up the phone, no one is too busy
To have and to hold a mother lost ten years and now found
Loving you enough to lift you up, move you with me, here

Why did I keep up a hope within, God helped me through, why did I expect you
To be that part of me, pure and clean, blessed with honesty, why did I cry for years
Walk in circles, resist love from those who know me well, why are you hiding from
Me in your vacuum, unsafe anyhow, why deny the good in a world gone mad
Participate as if you know what he can or will do next, you can say NO today
Make my heart full with your smile, it is for the best, a mother knows best...

Worry is not something my body handles and pain
Results as I wait for you to become some perfect
Example of good in that sick world of the insane
One day (with or without me) you will want what I gave

One day you will laugh, I hope not cry, for I love you so, want to spend these
Moments happy, giving you all I learned, and how to be you, just you
If you resist, run away, and come back do not blame me if I could not live
Forever (except in your heart) or the trees do not turn with fall leaves in this
Dirty town, or the crime rate rises, or the man you marry learns to abuse you
For we marry at times that which raised us, you were so sweet to me pea

I won't take the pain, there is a better way
If my last days spent are gazing out on the desert plain
I'll miss you anyhow, I'll love you to the end for you see
I am your mother, I am, she is me, Karen, I am...

You should have come (I did) sweet pea
We can laugh (live) not die
See, I can't wave good bye but
I won't die, feel me cry, sweet pea...

My Mountain Top is yours...

Mountain Top
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 5, 2007


Exhaustion is digging rivets, nails scraping flesh, those vertical lines are gray
Blood forms silent drops and no cutting occurs, they cannot see me they do
Not care, they are counting pennies, making stinking sex behind half closed
Doors, fucking each other and head fucking me, they are not kind, I am a little
Girl, I am a child, I am getting tiny and they cannot see me, hurt me ever again
I cannot scream off the mountain top "I hate you" for they will find me, punish me

I did not know until I stayed at your house
Your Mommy and Daddy love you and hugged us
Good night, tucked us in and for a minute I did pretend
Those strange lips on my forehead were "hers" and then

I cried too hard, and a knife someone sharpened stabbed me deeper, and I could
Not catch my breath, and that freight train was rushing faster at me, my heart
Would not slow down and I was dying inside and the sweat came pouring down
Tasting like salt (like my tears) and I cannot come back to your house because
You have two parents (I have one), you have what I need, I cannot tell you again
No I won't be over have homework, and my father is taking me somewhere

I came back anyhow and this time erected a huge wall
At bedtime I had to get up and pee (I hid in the bathroom)
The door cracked I stared at your mother tucking you in
She is not like my Momma anyway, I envy you, I love you

Substitute teachers never make us do work, we get away with playing around, and
Substitute pitchers never strike out the regulars, and substitute salt never tastes
Good, and my sisters were like flowers blooming and dying and then no one watered
Me and I waited parched, and hungry, no one cared they left me on the outside of the
Garden gate, and I know in my heart my mother is coming back they lie, they make
Me sick, and who is my father (a stranger) and that whore he bangs all night long

I'm getting used to your house, your parents love me too
I think they understand people know what is wrong and I can
Be here and not be their daughter but I can sleep and eat
You are my best friend, I am not afraid here, I am not here...

He is screaming mad, throwing my sister down the stairs, spitting on her, he is a
Big ugly animal (I am scared), and I hide inside my head, there is loud music and
It is cold outside my sister has no clothes, no money, he is red faced ugly and tries
To tell me a lie and I nod my head (where is my Mommy), and he hugs me and the
Smell of his sweat brings bile up my throat, he is making phone calls raging like a
Bull and some of my sisters "use" and "drink" and I am alone, crying inside, I cry...

There is no quiet, I am a stranger in my home,
That mean woman demands we do housework she is
Dirty, her kids don't live with her why is she here
My sister is pregnant and sick, she cries too, aloud

The police come and he lies, my pregnant sister lies, and Jess is with Momma
She must be happy, laughing, and hugging (I think so), I miss her but do not want
Her to get hit anymore, he yells so loud we can't hear him he is wild, raging, he is
Mean, I am going to go to my friend's house to study (please God let me stay), and
They have arrested Jessica in Texas and he is hugging Jenn and Jenn gets sick and
Keeps crying she feels bad (she lied), and I will never get out of here, ever, I am scared

One day Jess took me for a walk, the sun was out
A car drove up, she hopped in pulling my hand and
My Momma was there, she was in my arms crying
We went to a park for two hours, six long years, I cry

I am fat and it is my fault I am getting sick of the noise in my head telling me how bad
I am, I am ugly but pretty like my mother, I am a good student but stupid, the thoughts
Are ice picks chipping away I don't want to live but how do I die, I keep telling him I want
My mother, he makes stupid sounds in his throat, he cannot look in my eyes, he is LYING
I can go away from this pain I must be bad (where is my mother) she must not want me
Jess is grown but comes back, she holds me but I need my Mom can't they hear me

I eat and throw up I am dirty inside I must clean out
I can CONTROL my weight and I am getting nice and
Tiny so small he won't bother me anymore I am hiding
One day his big mouth and demands will go away, GO

GET OUT DAD screams the little me, go away you don't love me or you would get my
Mom I am sitting here until she comes to the door, my older sisters giggle and say bad
Things they won't ever understand, did Momma leave me did she did she, I am spent
Tired, my eyes shut and my boyfriend and friends are not enough so I start to wave
They do not see me saying good bye, no one cares, soon it won't hurt me anymore do
You think she will come if I am sick enough, small enough, if I can be perfect

I like this woman she is listening and writing she is sweet
I tell her the truth I do not lie to her she understands no I am not
Wrong or bad or even insane I just want my mother it is
Normal to want your mother, it is ok I will help you Patty

Laughter and hugs, tuck me in please, kiss my forehead and say my night prayer
Hold my hand when I am afraid, don't let me stay hungry it is dinnertime, and walk
In the mall we can buy something at Claire's, she has my blue eyes and I have hers
I can smell her perfume and remember her blonde hair, every morning she started my
Day (did I start hers too) and she loved me, she still loves me, she never stopped
There she is, Jess is with me crying, I hold on (she holds me) I told all of you

"I will wait by the door till she returns"
She is here telling me "come home Patty"
All the lies are dying like ashes in a fire they are gone
"I am good and I believe her she never lied to me"
Today I can laugh she is here she never left me not one
Minute, one second, all those years are past now
"I am going to live, and I love you too Momma..."

With all my heart, sweet Patty you are my heart
Come to me I am here, I am here...

I am Here waiting for you sweet P....

Bells Chime
by Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
For Patty
October 3, 2007


I am not worthy, in all my innocence, in all he took from my womb,
My heart is screaming, careening like a mad car out of control, the
Driver flooring the gas pedal, smoke burning out the tail pipe, that
Train goes slow, even now as that looming wall comes to my face
Death is not proud, courage is the bile backing up in my throat
God take this pain, remove this fear, God relieve us both now

Please Lord I can't take anymore, I am on my knees
Begging for YOUR salvation, my tears dry before they fall
I am the lowest and smallest living speck of dirt on earth
Please God take this pain in my heart, her truth speaks

The multitude is singing, the choir on most high is so loud the words
Repeat as if I am stupid, cannot see, that no matter what I say (or do)
She is stuck in a broken long play record in a circular hell that won't
Stop until she sees that my love is to heal and soothe her ravaged
Soul, that her freedom can be obtained at the cost I paid these years
Without a bare dime, fighting for those lives "I am their only mother!"

Sweat pours from me, desensitizes "who" I am, who you
Healed (in me), to turn the corner see them sitting there
They wait, and she smiles her eyes never leaving me once
The guilt of his hate is my responsibility, somehow I am wrong

Bells chime in a church with no name, I enter that old door, and a wise
Priest speaks and the will of the Father washes my inner soil, and for one
Second I know peace, then raging derelict, fuming fiend, raping ravager
Puts vision in my blindness, running away, ashamed to tell you my
Baby girl how poor I have become, and that I came not to die here
(I hate this place) but to say good bye for you are not home, with me

You hurt yourself (I did too), do not know how abuse sifts
Deeper in your beautiful eyes I see this, want to take him down
To his knobby knees, and beat him senseless with the love
God's love, "don't touch this child again!" my voice silent no more

He cannot hurt me but does, just like he hurt all five of you when he
Held my neck and beat me senseless, ripped off my clothes and threw
Me to the front porch naked, door locked, cursed us told us all over and
Over how "we deserved his hate" and I do not give two fucks if he dies
Rots like the rancid road kill he is, but he is hurting you, don't let those
Years away take you now please, listen to your mother cry out to you

"Leave and come to me, just leave and come to me, leave, leave,"
Will I die these words on my mouth, all she is and can be lost
In the abyss this psychotic sperm donor relegated as his bed
No pleasure can be found in the living dead, satanic spawn I spit

On his face as he spit on the face of the mother of his children and
His sweet Jess immune over time, lifted by the spirit totally cleansed
Removed in order she stand on two feet, she grew in fertile soil she
Knew love, gave love, hurt but loved anyhow, I see her behind us as
I hold my baby girl for the first time in forever, and her face is beatific
Two tears fall, her smile lights my heart I cry inside "I love you sweet Jess"

Thank you, I fall lower, thank you, I cannot stand
The cannon explodes, grenades hit me again and again
Thank you, my eyes are closed, thank you, I am alone
You say good bye, I don't have six years, eight years

To wait, what I know to give you is present for this short time for soon
The bells chime in that singular cathedral and the kind priest is blessing
Me, touching my forehead with holy water, chanting in Latin, and I see
Grandpa Dick (my Daddy), he is beckoning again for me to come and
Sit on his knee, this happened one time before when I died with Kimmy
Deep in my womb, just a girl, came back to that heathen husband and

I am telling you these weeks, months perhaps, not a year
An hour may pass and the world may shut down, I am promised
The love and knowledge of Jesus Christ and to sit at the hand
With the Holy Ghost so please little girl, come home, oh please

This gray putrid dawn is so ugly, the wet, pissed upon Richmond air chokes
Me, cannot refresh the glory and love born deep and pried out of ten years
De-program I oh God, de-program Patricia dear Father, take him out of her
Please lift me from the bondage of self so that she might be free I would lay
Down my life and die if it were Your will, my faith is forever in Your hands
Let her come, let me be the mother she needs, I will dry those tears

Gladly, will bleed in pain upon the final bed of death if only
I might relieve her suffering (it is my task oh Father) to be
All I can be, on my knees I pray, and now meditate as those
Horrible trains crash our silent oneness, I know that the

Purple aster on the window sill, the market below, the frenzy of the dead
Pretending to live cannot change true belief, I should have held her longer
(Did she feel my heart beat), let her look deeper in my eyes to read all
The years, all that pain, but the demons of death and satan's bliss defy
Purity, power, perseverance and the eternal Light, today I step down off
The carriage, the horses must be watered, my arms await her return

"I am here Patty come to me" and all will be sweet, the
Apple blossoms, grape vines full of pungent and deep flavor
The serene sky blistered with on and off again clouds, we
Can sit on this soft white blanket, and "be" together my love

All that He created us to be, be strong we have some miles to walk
Barefooted in cold or even heat, we will drink from streams that are
Clean, and eat of the land fruit on our way home, and when the days
Are past and nowhere is there fear, and you know truth without a word
We will revisit the Land of Peace (you and me), and my final vow
Complete in the name of God the Father, I will turn, smile and take

That last seat, near the door
Everlasting life, we will meet again
Now all I ask my daughter is you
Let me be the mother you need so
Please, please, come home
My sweet and dearest P...
I love you...Do you see
Come to me...