To Bury Thought
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
October 7th, 2006
This morning bizarre, body bending into painful sparks of fury, the
Flame lit a bonfire, and the perception of heat, brought tears this
Moment, to stand is unbearable to pretend a smile that is nowhere
Near the terror in my eyes, this song is unfinished, the scattered
Clothing, makeup, opened suitcase show a flight far from here
No longer from me, from the eternal pain, but to HE who saves
How did I end up here, almost two thousand miles from
The children I gave birth to, the man I was married to for
Too long, who lost the control to abuse me, beat me to
The death pulp of last demise, he is gone, so was I, bye
Happiness is one simple cherry, the sweetness soothes my mouth
Taking me out of this fearful death watch, beyond recognition my
Life has held on one thin thread, always overburdened, never simple
I taste this pure place inside, God fills me slowly but with finite
Gloss, I lick my lips one time, all illness to pass, my mind asleep
How is it the night is like a dim tavern light beckoning me back in
Small town grows, changes, no longer do we leave the
Door unlocked, three miles away the crack houses profit
Repeat, return customers, rich man and poor lined up for
One rush into insanity, one death defying drop down when
Reality rushes in, how many have walked around the duck pond where
The wind blows east, and the slacking sounds of the geese, and ducks
Compares equally with the stench of their oily feathers, pushed down
They remain in this man made pond, they covet rain unlike pets who
Grew up here and won't venture outdoors during a storm to urinate
I came here alone, felt that dry gentle wind touch my skin, to stay on...
The men came in and out of my life, not my bed, I'd go to theirs for
My home was safe, and my pilot friend and I would compare details and
He more than any knew my mind was not female, he accepted that my
Nights were restless, and that sex was the lost filler for the tiny hole
I carried (in my heart); vaulted box Virginia, he forgot to tell truth
Acid life burned to widen the hole, drowning in West Texas dust
Dirt beyond the coyotes preying on life flesh somewhere
Nearer Lamesa way lustful thoughts of what the powerful
Physical fuck in Lubbock would bring until 2 a.m.
I'd recognize you, quietly dress, desire lost, leave you
This cycle to repeat, burying the pain and loss of what I love to this day
Five children of my flesh, mothered in perfect love for 20 plus years that
Could not be replaced, the hope that justice would reign failed to grow
The pain so great never did I end the thought that my own mother raped
Me, the only love I knew (then) and the WORD brought me to my knees
Divorce final, I asked the God who loved me "bring me one to love"
HE did and today I thank HIM for the strength beyond me
To love me without condition to accept those runs from
Pain, the multiple flights from love, and one heart beating
That began as two, today I accept it was my wrong to right
Amber light flows like this small stream, the mountain air arrests my
Senses, to awaken on dew dropped pasture grass near a mountain where
The cold air removes this nausea, this sense of fatigue and a running deer
Pauses at my feet (unafraid) and the crystal lake sounds silent but safe
I swim that last mile bathed in recuperated grace, no tug boat, no
Factory within three hundred miles, no mankind standing on my heart...
You stood on the doorstep, knocked, and walked in, nowhere could I
Be found, that woman sitting near the fire (who is she) has sadness
Wrapping around her like another human form if she did not take a
Breath you would not know she is alive, a sound issues forth and a
Gun shot explodes down a road she cannot travel, your dog moves
Closer in recognition, she whispers "take me home" and you see
The years of pain dragging like a crippled leg
The people who entered with grenades happy to
Destroy, the losses like grave markers standing
To be counted and you pause then say "come with me"
One suitcase left, the key to the door locks in loud revulsion she
Wants to walk alone, trembling she takes one step, then two, and
In grave familiarity her body follows, blonde hair reminds you of
Her children when very young, let her do this alone, it is time for
The excuses to fade, slip and end (they do) and the sunlight touches
Her pale face, she hesitates, continues and the hardest part complete
For weeks her appetite remains hidden, and weakened
Day by day you wonder if this time she won't make it
Then on Thursday she asks for food (life) and when
Done sleeps in exhaustion, this ride will end
Tonight in deepest black night you sleep and feel a hand tentative
Touch your bicep and you remain motionless for the confession
Will begin, the words will force out of a mouth silent for years
By daylight she will rest and God will enter this place anew
"I love you" is all and the night turns to day and the weeks
Grow to months, and the lone dove lands on the roof, flies away
Will it be
Can it be
Me...
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
October 7th, 2006
This morning bizarre, body bending into painful sparks of fury, the
Flame lit a bonfire, and the perception of heat, brought tears this
Moment, to stand is unbearable to pretend a smile that is nowhere
Near the terror in my eyes, this song is unfinished, the scattered
Clothing, makeup, opened suitcase show a flight far from here
No longer from me, from the eternal pain, but to HE who saves
How did I end up here, almost two thousand miles from
The children I gave birth to, the man I was married to for
Too long, who lost the control to abuse me, beat me to
The death pulp of last demise, he is gone, so was I, bye
Happiness is one simple cherry, the sweetness soothes my mouth
Taking me out of this fearful death watch, beyond recognition my
Life has held on one thin thread, always overburdened, never simple
I taste this pure place inside, God fills me slowly but with finite
Gloss, I lick my lips one time, all illness to pass, my mind asleep
How is it the night is like a dim tavern light beckoning me back in
Small town grows, changes, no longer do we leave the
Door unlocked, three miles away the crack houses profit
Repeat, return customers, rich man and poor lined up for
One rush into insanity, one death defying drop down when
Reality rushes in, how many have walked around the duck pond where
The wind blows east, and the slacking sounds of the geese, and ducks
Compares equally with the stench of their oily feathers, pushed down
They remain in this man made pond, they covet rain unlike pets who
Grew up here and won't venture outdoors during a storm to urinate
I came here alone, felt that dry gentle wind touch my skin, to stay on...
The men came in and out of my life, not my bed, I'd go to theirs for
My home was safe, and my pilot friend and I would compare details and
He more than any knew my mind was not female, he accepted that my
Nights were restless, and that sex was the lost filler for the tiny hole
I carried (in my heart); vaulted box Virginia, he forgot to tell truth
Acid life burned to widen the hole, drowning in West Texas dust
Dirt beyond the coyotes preying on life flesh somewhere
Nearer Lamesa way lustful thoughts of what the powerful
Physical fuck in Lubbock would bring until 2 a.m.
I'd recognize you, quietly dress, desire lost, leave you
This cycle to repeat, burying the pain and loss of what I love to this day
Five children of my flesh, mothered in perfect love for 20 plus years that
Could not be replaced, the hope that justice would reign failed to grow
The pain so great never did I end the thought that my own mother raped
Me, the only love I knew (then) and the WORD brought me to my knees
Divorce final, I asked the God who loved me "bring me one to love"
HE did and today I thank HIM for the strength beyond me
To love me without condition to accept those runs from
Pain, the multiple flights from love, and one heart beating
That began as two, today I accept it was my wrong to right
Amber light flows like this small stream, the mountain air arrests my
Senses, to awaken on dew dropped pasture grass near a mountain where
The cold air removes this nausea, this sense of fatigue and a running deer
Pauses at my feet (unafraid) and the crystal lake sounds silent but safe
I swim that last mile bathed in recuperated grace, no tug boat, no
Factory within three hundred miles, no mankind standing on my heart...
You stood on the doorstep, knocked, and walked in, nowhere could I
Be found, that woman sitting near the fire (who is she) has sadness
Wrapping around her like another human form if she did not take a
Breath you would not know she is alive, a sound issues forth and a
Gun shot explodes down a road she cannot travel, your dog moves
Closer in recognition, she whispers "take me home" and you see
The years of pain dragging like a crippled leg
The people who entered with grenades happy to
Destroy, the losses like grave markers standing
To be counted and you pause then say "come with me"
One suitcase left, the key to the door locks in loud revulsion she
Wants to walk alone, trembling she takes one step, then two, and
In grave familiarity her body follows, blonde hair reminds you of
Her children when very young, let her do this alone, it is time for
The excuses to fade, slip and end (they do) and the sunlight touches
Her pale face, she hesitates, continues and the hardest part complete
For weeks her appetite remains hidden, and weakened
Day by day you wonder if this time she won't make it
Then on Thursday she asks for food (life) and when
Done sleeps in exhaustion, this ride will end
Tonight in deepest black night you sleep and feel a hand tentative
Touch your bicep and you remain motionless for the confession
Will begin, the words will force out of a mouth silent for years
By daylight she will rest and God will enter this place anew
"I love you" is all and the night turns to day and the weeks
Grow to months, and the lone dove lands on the roof, flies away
Will it be
Can it be
Me...
