End Is
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
August 30, 2007
That pale light, a border around trees that are blurry, green spread in
Water spotted fat leaves, they are dying, and the branches bend
Fat with past storms, that come in late afternoon only to break the
Huge elephant humidity, this climate is death valley, but the tremor
The heat lightning is not evident, this might be a concentration camp
Undiscovered, and I can't dance, smile or sing to you, it hurts
To know this is not home, but the girls are still
Fresh in my mind, my children around the
Christmas tree jubilant, I wrapped those presents for
Five of you, till two in the morning, and ho ho hoed at four
They run downstairs to see that Santa is gone, and then I pretend
To drag down to make that first pot of coffee, and inside my heart a giggle
Erupts how I love them (and they me), and their father lays in bed
Thinking why does she do this, and he never knew that the youngest
Ones believe, and that God is here on Christmas day, we are happy
Just for now, we are full of a presence of life, Jesus Christ is born
Intrepid summer heat, here in Virginia, there in Louisiana
The people are like piss ants futilely biting their neighbor
Pretending to have more than you, and not knowing how to
Hold hands with the one you love, smile, passion is the spark
Beginnings need not end, but the world is rapidly going down, and
I want to hold on to God, and let Him show me the way to smile
(One more time), to dance in the moonlight and recall when we
First kissed and I said "Look at this sky it goes on forever" and
When I turned around you took me in your arms, your lips
Touched mine and they never separated again, I can love you
The tornado stops for the pieces of this ongoing puzzle
Are easy to put together, and yet nothing is finite and
We know less as we learn more, let it go let God in oh
Yes, I will curtsy I am a southern girl I will smile just for you
Can we try to buy this dime bag of happiness, and shoot it in our veins
It is not an illegal drug, like a gentle first seed sprouting up through
Dark fertile soil it is what we aspire, what we need, we are united
As one why not trust you, why not say a stranger is a loving part of
Creation, and if you want to strangle me, rape me, steal what little I
Have then I am still here, not burdened by cruel thoughts, blind eyes
Cleaning up all that wrapping paper, the bows are easy, and
Smell that big fat turkey bird dripping in sweet butter in the oven
The afternoon is ahead and my tired eyes continue to watch
To think "I need to shower put on my face get ready" and
Years later when you took my girls, and Christmas killed me like
Poison searing flesh from my heart of hearts, I would give anything
Arms, legs, my last breath just for that one day to come again so
I might take each of you in my slender arms, hold you to my breast
Smell your sweet child scent, croon in your little girl ears, brush my
Lips across your smooth foreheads, one by one "I love you oh yes."
The men in my life have tried to crawl deep, deeper and way deep
Into the dark reaches of this huge heart, which like West Texas sky
Has no beginning and no end, they might reach that beating vessel
And fall deep within to drown, lifeless, removed and gone, go now
Away from a place where a white picket fence is brightly painted, and
Smiling, giggling, blonde haired blue eyes angels line up, dressed so
Pretty in shades of lavender, pink, and white; rosy cheeks bright and
Clear, and small fat hands holding each other, that church bell within
Rings true for each of you are going to make it, I am here in this
Dirty place, loving with abandon, growing like a weed, we won, yes...
He can pray, God forgives us all, he can seek me and not
Find me, I can walk before him in total safety for the cloud
Which is my home today is God's loving hand on my shoulder
Guiding me through torrential rain to the sunset, oh pinkest day
Await the celebration, "I am the way, the truth the life" and no word
Is needed my sweetest children, my grown up girls, my life my heart
Is full, please drive carefully, the price of gas may rise, and one day
Alone you might stand, looking out at the desert plain seeing all you
Love before you, like a pasture filled with daisies, and the smell of
Jersey lilac in August, don't ever let go please, hold on, yes smile
For me just one time
I love you, enjoy the God who
Loves you, I am calm like a
Newborn day, pale yellow lemon drop
I love you...love you...you
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Heat Wave...
Eclipse
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Tuesday August 14th, 2007
The heat of summer became an outrage, homeless people die as it burns
Inside out, they walk the streets of this huge airless city, baked and left
Stuck in the pan (Richmond), no icing on this cake, they die, they lose the
Last air in their lungs, would it be better to freeze in winter's wet cold (here)
They are stiff white paste, glued to the hot sidewalk, dropping down like flies
How do I complain, air conditioning pouring on me like a spring fed pond
Emotions gyrate, turn my stomach (one more time)
This land is prison, the guards are planning to evacuate
To leave the inmates behind to starve, roast like pork on
The spit, then like Hitler to torture in the last second
No life just resolution, no beginning (this my end), no rainbow after the sun
Peeks through those thick congested storm clouds, to remind me this is
NOT home, West Texas beckons me as my skin feels that desert heat yet
Sweat evaporates on my skin lightly moist, and the song plays forever in
My heart (of love lost and yet begun again), and the men line up like toy
Soldiers. to remind me the firing squad (me) has committed the unspeakable
Forgive me my sins Father, grace my life with humility
Let the poor be fed, the dying drink cold water or they
Will perish in this heat wave, here in Richmond, Virginia
I have to remember not to forget, just today, not forever
I watch that series of a young man touched by God, he comes alive in the
End part of California (Mexico border,) and there are deep spiritual places he
Travels, the cast is human they wear the roles of those I know in my life and
I miss my husband, remember how hard it is when heroin whore whacks his
Heart upside down, and his face pale, eyes cloudy repeat the lie, it never was
Directed against me, we made a promise to live as long as we could, I will
Not forget, do forgive you, and you love me as I do you
Our children a painful scar erupting (like infection) in the moments
When we are apart, not in our mellow love that grows despite
The axes we swing, the rope that chokes us, no judgement day
The heat wave broke somewhere around two in the morning, when the bars
Locked and closed doors, and the stray drunks staggered across sidewalks
Pretending to be clear, touching stray people looking for the love that must
Come from within (self), and never seeing the Higher Power guiding them
Across that huge Broad Street to a car (not to wreck), and they make it
Home (where the heart is) just one more time, God loves us, He does, yes...
You came to spend the night, it was late and I settled into
This new routine evolving minute by minute, for a week I near
Succumbed to the intrepid heat the literal temperature broke
One hundred and eleven, and a church bell died (oh our sins)...
That little blue eyed girl asks me "why are you so tall" and I tell her honestly
"I am not, I'm just skinny and look taller" she is immersed in that solid thought
Does not believe one day she might "Jack the Beanstalk me" and be looking
Down does she know who I am (deep inside) for I am not her Mom's friend
Although I am in spirit her mother first of course, and there is a silent rose
Petal and her cheeks are wet with tears, her laughter stirs my exhaustion
Break the silence, I pray for the good in all of us, and the
Will of the Father to take us all to that gentle place we cannot
Avoid or escape, it is life, it is only here for the living so why
Do we commit suicide, desire pain and suffering instead of grace
I am done with this mixture of words that might have no meaning
I love you, and am learning today how to live this
Heart that will burst, am I you, no
More excuse I hope for rain...
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Tuesday August 14th, 2007
The heat of summer became an outrage, homeless people die as it burns
Inside out, they walk the streets of this huge airless city, baked and left
Stuck in the pan (Richmond), no icing on this cake, they die, they lose the
Last air in their lungs, would it be better to freeze in winter's wet cold (here)
They are stiff white paste, glued to the hot sidewalk, dropping down like flies
How do I complain, air conditioning pouring on me like a spring fed pond
Emotions gyrate, turn my stomach (one more time)
This land is prison, the guards are planning to evacuate
To leave the inmates behind to starve, roast like pork on
The spit, then like Hitler to torture in the last second
No life just resolution, no beginning (this my end), no rainbow after the sun
Peeks through those thick congested storm clouds, to remind me this is
NOT home, West Texas beckons me as my skin feels that desert heat yet
Sweat evaporates on my skin lightly moist, and the song plays forever in
My heart (of love lost and yet begun again), and the men line up like toy
Soldiers. to remind me the firing squad (me) has committed the unspeakable
Forgive me my sins Father, grace my life with humility
Let the poor be fed, the dying drink cold water or they
Will perish in this heat wave, here in Richmond, Virginia
I have to remember not to forget, just today, not forever
I watch that series of a young man touched by God, he comes alive in the
End part of California (Mexico border,) and there are deep spiritual places he
Travels, the cast is human they wear the roles of those I know in my life and
I miss my husband, remember how hard it is when heroin whore whacks his
Heart upside down, and his face pale, eyes cloudy repeat the lie, it never was
Directed against me, we made a promise to live as long as we could, I will
Not forget, do forgive you, and you love me as I do you
Our children a painful scar erupting (like infection) in the moments
When we are apart, not in our mellow love that grows despite
The axes we swing, the rope that chokes us, no judgement day
The heat wave broke somewhere around two in the morning, when the bars
Locked and closed doors, and the stray drunks staggered across sidewalks
Pretending to be clear, touching stray people looking for the love that must
Come from within (self), and never seeing the Higher Power guiding them
Across that huge Broad Street to a car (not to wreck), and they make it
Home (where the heart is) just one more time, God loves us, He does, yes...
You came to spend the night, it was late and I settled into
This new routine evolving minute by minute, for a week I near
Succumbed to the intrepid heat the literal temperature broke
One hundred and eleven, and a church bell died (oh our sins)...
That little blue eyed girl asks me "why are you so tall" and I tell her honestly
"I am not, I'm just skinny and look taller" she is immersed in that solid thought
Does not believe one day she might "Jack the Beanstalk me" and be looking
Down does she know who I am (deep inside) for I am not her Mom's friend
Although I am in spirit her mother first of course, and there is a silent rose
Petal and her cheeks are wet with tears, her laughter stirs my exhaustion
Break the silence, I pray for the good in all of us, and the
Will of the Father to take us all to that gentle place we cannot
Avoid or escape, it is life, it is only here for the living so why
Do we commit suicide, desire pain and suffering instead of grace
I am done with this mixture of words that might have no meaning
I love you, and am learning today how to live this
Heart that will burst, am I you, no
More excuse I hope for rain...
For Luke...Come home...
Chatterbox
dedicated to my husband, Luke George
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
July 29th, 2007
Whisper in my ear, your breath fills me with helium, to rise
Gently higher, reaching a place we alone share, this sweet
Warm light tinted sky-blue, the lace panels flutter, rise, and
Bring it home, that delicate sweat we share tastes like dew
Tongue touches yours, when we intertwine we are that fine
Wine resting in the cellar, deep darkness, light this candle
Pink violin play, the ballroom slows down and we
Remain, an elegant couple moving in effortless grace
Around in wide circles, blonde hair pulled up high my
Leg touches yours, your eyes break my step, closer
I come into your powerful arms, and a church bell sounds
Peals the hours before dawn (one, two, three), and you
Take me home where the white cotton sheets stand at
Attention, awaiting our measured movement, to rumple
Still, twist and turn, move up and down, a tear falls singly
Down my cheek, tonight I sleep alone, I pray for you...
One more time you chained and left, our promise
Never fades (dark eyes you), and this time I did not
Erupt when you broke bond, went off to push heroin
Up your tired vein, you relapse and I did not forgive
Summer heat came early (May) and 106 degree days burned
Into night, no relief from torture, the air conditioner did not hum
Cold (but warm,) and Mexican maintenance men used machismo
To try to talk me down, into that hospital I went while potassium
Dripped into my tired veins, you loved me in County Jail awaited
My loving heart, blamed me when you chained out of Sanchez
Don't we know by now what to do, we were born
Years before our time, our God joined us before
That birth, our marriage is not disposable, and we
Will cry apart, and feel passion burn, blush, not fade
You are the gift He gave, when the pain of abuse died, you are
The firefly seen on summer night, touching me with beauty, male
Heat, the depth of love needed to break those demons in me,
You love me unconditionally, but prefer the errant child sleep
The woman grow, mold upon your hands, you shape her, keep
Her and that gold locket not remain, it is my deepest heart...
Cherish you in memory, if the faded family stays out
Of our back yard and you overpower the urge to die, then
Find me now for I am living, breathing, carrying that pain
Off the highest cliff, and will never fall again with you
It is the morning, the smell of fresh coffee fills my body, awaken
Walk, get on my knees (pray), the day is new, and hope is in
That infinite sky that stretches from where you are right here to me
My hand stays at my side waiting yours, and when they connect
We will be forever, the days of earth cherished, and the neon
Signs won't do us wrong, I love you, won't you see me here
The sandbox is full, the children chatter
Disappear, and there you are, dark eyes
Shining, welcome home...
dedicated to my husband, Luke George
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
July 29th, 2007
Whisper in my ear, your breath fills me with helium, to rise
Gently higher, reaching a place we alone share, this sweet
Warm light tinted sky-blue, the lace panels flutter, rise, and
Bring it home, that delicate sweat we share tastes like dew
Tongue touches yours, when we intertwine we are that fine
Wine resting in the cellar, deep darkness, light this candle
Pink violin play, the ballroom slows down and we
Remain, an elegant couple moving in effortless grace
Around in wide circles, blonde hair pulled up high my
Leg touches yours, your eyes break my step, closer
I come into your powerful arms, and a church bell sounds
Peals the hours before dawn (one, two, three), and you
Take me home where the white cotton sheets stand at
Attention, awaiting our measured movement, to rumple
Still, twist and turn, move up and down, a tear falls singly
Down my cheek, tonight I sleep alone, I pray for you...
One more time you chained and left, our promise
Never fades (dark eyes you), and this time I did not
Erupt when you broke bond, went off to push heroin
Up your tired vein, you relapse and I did not forgive
Summer heat came early (May) and 106 degree days burned
Into night, no relief from torture, the air conditioner did not hum
Cold (but warm,) and Mexican maintenance men used machismo
To try to talk me down, into that hospital I went while potassium
Dripped into my tired veins, you loved me in County Jail awaited
My loving heart, blamed me when you chained out of Sanchez
Don't we know by now what to do, we were born
Years before our time, our God joined us before
That birth, our marriage is not disposable, and we
Will cry apart, and feel passion burn, blush, not fade
You are the gift He gave, when the pain of abuse died, you are
The firefly seen on summer night, touching me with beauty, male
Heat, the depth of love needed to break those demons in me,
You love me unconditionally, but prefer the errant child sleep
The woman grow, mold upon your hands, you shape her, keep
Her and that gold locket not remain, it is my deepest heart...
Cherish you in memory, if the faded family stays out
Of our back yard and you overpower the urge to die, then
Find me now for I am living, breathing, carrying that pain
Off the highest cliff, and will never fall again with you
It is the morning, the smell of fresh coffee fills my body, awaken
Walk, get on my knees (pray), the day is new, and hope is in
That infinite sky that stretches from where you are right here to me
My hand stays at my side waiting yours, and when they connect
We will be forever, the days of earth cherished, and the neon
Signs won't do us wrong, I love you, won't you see me here
The sandbox is full, the children chatter
Disappear, and there you are, dark eyes
Shining, welcome home...
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