P. it is time...

John Picked Your Indian
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
September 30, 2007


This day is edgy and no cool, dry wind will give familiar memory to my
Presence like that immovable rock on a distant Greek shore, where the
Sailors speak a foreign tongue, burnish sweat off brown skin, they are not
Tan they are naturally brown, and their physical strength a result of a culture
Unlike ours for America is freedom in bondage, those rusty chains are
Choking you up, the weight is heavy on your chest, and if you do not

Get out of your mind where alone you thrash in anxiety
You can't hear the delicate violin sounds touching your
Fragile heart, oh it beats so hard with love, and when anger
Becomes your punching bag, you go down (not I), and that

Biologic alarm clock is ringing, and you tuck your hands in prayer beneath
That pillow that allows sleep when he is not yelling, demanding some odd
Task at hand that only he evolved, did you ever wonder why other parents
Don't act like he does, is he the only one in his misery (it seems so) and
Today can be the first day of the rest of your life, or you can squat beneath
That fetid pond, smelling moss and sweating off some fear you cannot see

You are the most beautiful vision, and my eyes remember all of you
From before you were born until today, a picture is so still, almost
Frozen, and God turned off the freezer, said "defrost" and that
Simply means we need to let go, melt the ice, flow like a river

His fists cannot pound on the will of God the Father, his empty eyes cannot
Burn imaginary holes in your heart (not again), and you can walk out the door
Never turn back, never speak to him again, but I would not ask that of you
My love is true, created in a mother's heart, wrapped in pink and lavender bows
As strong as the shoulders of that Greek sailor who has worked dusk to dawn
Who serenades his wife with song, a kiss, and gentle touch, oh he loves too

If you listen to me, and do just one action
The pyramid of conformity will tumble down
Right now, all at once, and there is no crime
No Judge or jury, just you and I within God

This morning a chalky pink and blue lined East coast sky plucked my attention
I stared straight ahead, the old buildings assaulted my senses, and the rare
Broken form of a bag woman appeared, next to the brown bag drunken man
Erased they I from my eyes, but cannot move that mountain you choose to
Climb in fewer days than a week, each day creates no obstacle let that go
Five minutes a cup of strong coffee (half and half for me), and love in us will

Eradicate the pain, scud missal the heartache and restore the
Mother you love one hundred percent in that heart that never
Asked to lose the one she loved, needed, depended upon the
Sound of her laughter left behind, you hid it deeper, he'll not know

I do, and am waiting for you to join me; the world out there is joining hands
The multitude, the masses are clustering in silent happiness for the rebirth
Their applause is resounding, the heavens are pouring out strength and all
You must do is one small action that will free you of the fear that has no place
In your being, your heart, your complicated soul, for I am of you and know
You are the pale pink rose blossom and will not wilt, die, or lose hope

Today is the first day of the rest of your life
Today is frustrating for me as I wait for word
For your voice, for your presence for you alone
Were not alone, I lost the world and lived anyhow

For this moment in time, for this life to be lived, for this most beautiful
Measure of God's will and love (for us) to begin, not just a visit, for a
Lifetime, and the time is now, and the only chores you have are the
Ones deep in your heart begging you to go quickly, take her hand
Hear her laughter and know "all is okay" and yes she never stopped
Loving you (I love you), missing you (do not wait), and seeing you

The one beautiful person you are
Now free of the pain, now light hearted
Ready to live, and John may have picked
Your Indian, but that teepee fell down.

Come home, I love you...

It is time sweetest child...

Moist Rain
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
September 28, 2007


Tear drop on my finger tip, wipe mascara under my blue eyes, I cry
A mother can hurt, ten years is too long, the warehouse is overflowing
Filled with pent up dreams, raging emotions, boxes of love packed tight
Ribbons fade and the colors now indiscernible, the old man who works
Tires of stacking more away, he is bored of this job, threatens to quit
I smile and walk away, the exhaustion of piling up emotions has taken

It's toll on me, I can't pretend to be stronger
Than all mothers and fathers wrapped up in ONE
Parental package, what circus clown in garrish
Garb can cover the beating of my heart, my heart

Breaks a thousand times (does yours) and the pieces float like confetti
On a windless day, in some empty football stadium (in my soul) and
They left for some party, portraying "family" like weak rag dolls limp
Dishonesty, becomes so bland that strangers might think you invisible
They move further away until you are isolated in this bizarre circle
He created in hate, and one day a clock strikes one, and he falls down

Screaming rank obscenities at no one in particular
Stray dogs still come around if he throws a bit of meat
Howling cats fornicating in the moonlight awaken him
He spits and never cries, crocodile tears never count

There is no room in the warehouse, the fire marshal tells us to "vacate"
This place is a hazard, these millions of boxes may go up in smoke
I never knew the emotions cannot be stored until today, so we are
Evacuating rapidly, ripping off the roof and the hot sun pours in to
Render fresh air, a tender moonbeam at night, and today they say
"It might rain you know" and we welcome that moist rain, like tears...

The streets are cracked and difficult to navigate
The people are cruel in thought, they do not trust
One wonders how miserable they are at night when
They shut out civilization and growl in bed, so angry

One hundred pounds of weight is removed, I float like a gentle piece
Of kite tail high into the West Texas sky, gently lifted higher, to the stars
The velvet night is dark pin cushion black, and we sit side by side where
No one can bother us at all, we are silent (you know) for the emotions are
Flowing deep, deep, and to the deepest place, and then we are smiling
Laughing, talking so fast we cannot hear, the past is gone, left the love

Growing so rapidly like Jack the Beanstalk
Happiness is foreign but feels so sweet tastes
Like honeysuckle fresh from the pasture it grows
Sporadically our love does not, it is untied, free

Walking so many miles we stop here, there is nothing but endless sky
Green deep grass, one or two pieces of clover, we find shade under a
Tree and sit, the tears are endless and stop, how is it either can feel
Guilt for we did not hurt each other, a system forced by a mad man
Separated us like prisoners behind the wall, he became a guard not
The warden for God rights wrongs even before we wave good bye, die

Wake up please, please wake up can you hear me
Don't leave again please, just wake up there is a strong
Pot of coffee brewing, let us sit and talk it out
You owe no one anything but you do owe you a lot

Heaven on earth we are, sitting here free and happy for the first time
I can feel your heart beat each time even a thousand miles away but
Don't you think this is better (face to face) and now the warehouse is
Empty, dismantled, no one can find our feelings but "we who share them"
I thank God for this moment, and all others that will come to pass for we
Know the time is now, I am here (so are you), never to leave again, not I...

There is no greater song sung
No money, no diamond, no prestige
But the love within my heart for you
I love you, do not turn away
Love you...

How to love a Mother does...

Can't RUN
for my daughter Patricia Mae Hallenbeck-Sikorsky
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
September 26, 2007


Untie the chains, they cut and bind me, the weight of metal ripping skin
Bones scream in pain (stop hurting me), she (my mother) dropped me from her
Like a foul dump, never did she kiss my forehead, tuck me in, stay awake
As fever, childhood illness ripped me into thousands of pieces, she hurt
Me in a private place, beat me with a piece of wood, my bones cry the
Bruises are purple, black, blue "I left you Mommy good bye to you,"

Never there, you had more, I am sorry
Ten years without your smiling face your
Blue eyes whisper the love in your heart
Don't let me go (I'm here), come see

You are my heart, not one day did I spend without you, waking you up
For school, helping you be you, for each light that a candle shines is
Hope, each dark night in pain is faith, each word spoken by anyone is
Just you (I wait) and till my dying day I never left this child behind I
Forsake YOU to come to me in your male anger thinking you can BEAT
The living FUCK out of me, you bloated with an anchor of FEAR, go now go

Pastel blue, scent of lilac, you are natural
A comfort to God in HIS creation, you are
Not to be touched by the darkness for you are
That shining star that special spot in my heart

Let Monday find Tuesday alone, this Wednesday is a start, spend five minutes
On a raft floating lightly in a calm sea, sun touching your face, sleep deeply
Awaken to know (I am here) and do not let others feel your need, or take who
You are away, for only you and I can make this day, I am the only mother you
Have I can wipe away the tears and spoil you with laughter, there is a volume
Written in your name of answers (to questions) you ask each day, (I am here)...

Eat a piece of cake, let the hunger subside
Feel my arms hug to embrace it is me,
It does not have to be good bye you won't see
Until you arrive, get in your car, come to me

Roses bloom gently, frogs sound off in early fall, there are children in parks
Mothers tired of being mothers, not I. for there is nothing I'd rather be than
What you need and seek, my feelings are as clear as the sky, even fog
Will not block my beating heart (for you), and the tide may roll in and a storm
Break, but no one on God's earth can take your place, no longer must you run
See you are the victor of this race, (I am here), take just a few steps, come now

Time stops again (if you let it) and a bird's song ends
Alarm clocks buzz and repeat the boredom of empty day
Not now, (I am here), not now this pale vision fades,
I wait Patty each day I wait, let me take your pain away

Give you all the happiness I left behind, removed from you, alone, but near
Thousands of miles I walked, my feet bled, did not stop, for somewhere you
Would be standing (I am here) smiling, (I am here), never ending (I am here)
Being YOU the wonderful YOU that God made, please know the hurt is gone
Take this flower I saved, you picked it deep in the woods, your hair smelling
Of life the earth, you grew it deep in your heart, let me say I love you

Respect you, look at you
See me, but always you
Let me say this day is all
We can create, and the
Balloons will fly up high and
I will stay (I am here) yes I
Will remain...

My children for them not me...

Why Would My Little Girl?
by Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
September 14, 2007


Why would my little girl hurt me; that tidal wave came suddenly
Distant shore so far away, the sky held no clue of death, just pale blue
Fat white clouds drift while I lay in wait, for peace, everlasting rest
Then bigger than a far off mountain, larger than the widest plain
She came in fury, wrath, hatred, the cruelty of the masses tame
I cannot compare this hurt, my grief, her pain, why me little girl, me?

She so small, a bundle of life, nestled to the breast
Eager to be her mother's child, red faced, hands clenched
As baby's do, she held on (and I did she), not one tired
Moment raising one, two, three, four and five of you did I

Hurt, not me; the torrential rain of a death trap (marriage) did not even
Pinch, much less scar, or close in like a predator (deep this heart),
The love, boundless, my inner child's need reflected each of you
No pain within, perhaps my expression cursed "him" (your father)
But never for a second did I regret that life, those twenty years until
Today when I return grown up, no child, to hurt, why little girl, why me?

I count the minutes, ten years almost, like acid drops searing
Deep past the skin, past the veins, past the bone, my body
Raped in wait, no man of thousands once would turn my head
Much less cause pain (RSD tame) like this fearful lie, not you

Little girl, not you laughing, smiling, giggling, eating, playing, growing
Strong your mother's gift I gave, no night terror, financial worry, threats
To land, sea and air could diminish one heart (mine) that would carry
You beyond the battle, to distant shores, no foreign dignitary or prince
Of charm, no world war ten much less three, could pry God's prayer
To parents blessed, to hurt to take, one man depressed, not you, not me...

You cried silent tears that last day, some cartoon judge
A courthouse bare, took five young hearts a father's fate
For God true king will wait until your tearless cry as I
Passed out, "Mommy no don't leave," I am here, not me

Each morning if sleep took me, awaken to the nightmare dream of
Rich fresh earth on little P's hair, her arms around me blue eyes stare
Deep so deep where no one goes, deep so deep our love knows
Destiny not a sickened man, eternity not selfish hate, forever am I
The one mother, the only one; true and present, right here now I am
You are beyond my touch, my voice silent "no do not kill" I, not me...

Christmas morning, birthday night, one born, one grown, one
Strong white and brilliant miracle, the fight silent storm ends
Moves me, shakes the fear out, like salt upon the wound no
Solace, only movement the missive speaks, oh love oh heart

Do not die, swim under this tidal wave, discontent, deeper I dive beneath
Air, oxygen escapes, and in this last blinding end my body pops up above
The salty brine, a cork from a champagne bottle long left to age, in wisdom
No threat, the destruction is to all but one, dragging myself slowly onto this
Sandy shore I pray "God deliver me from sin, let my child live amen" and
Multitudes of angels cannot soothe this mother's pain, push them away, go

She cries, my heart breaks, she lies, my heart breaks
I see into her deepest blue eyes a fear beyond any rain
No tears can remove this day, no words of apology can
Lessen the deepest scar (hate?) not me, little girl, not I...

Telephone ring, typed words black and white, pictures without emotion
Daisy flowers strewn on dirt floor without life, they die their petals bend
Wilt (like I), starve, no rain drops to nourish, why do we find this jail
This crime imposed, this forever fate, when bare footed on a summer day
Birds sing, hearts fill (with love) far away, how did I get here to remember
Why would my little girl hurt me, why little girl, why me, you have one

Mother, can you see beyond
The lie, the honest truth ,why me
Why you, this is it, I am through
I am human not God, but He alone
Loves without condition, why wait
Little girl, why me (you)
I love you, taught you love
Why little girl, why hate?

The bell sounds, God save me
He takes my hand, it's too late...