...I cannot love....

To Test
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky George BS,RN
August 13th, 2006

Anxiety plies me, sweat seeping in tiny bubbles, my forehead
Saturated with a taste of salty brine, no sailor here propped on a
Wooden high back chair, smells of stale coffee, dust tracked in from
The desert plain, vestige of adobe thought, the paper sits white, bare
No words escape to pen, my hand trembles, emptiness like a thin
Balloon pops, and a flood of rain appears, the voice foreign to all
Not you, cries out, "to test me like this"
Walking in a day early, seeing me here in
Bed with yet another man, wanton whore am
I (is she) stripped bare, the smell of sex like
Thick garlic, deep acts of intimacy still appear like fleeting fire flies
The night so still, your face turned to paste--fear fills me a first time
Never to come again (like this), HOME (is where the heart is) and
You LEAVE, (he does too out the back gate), and the dog wags her
Old tail, harboring no hate--the test of time grades me downward
I cannot be of faith (to you), "I love you" means at best an attempt
To be a wife, a friend, a part time lover, for my
Need is so great it fills volumes, and Romeo is
Like weak tea, not big enough, HARD enough
Strong enough in spiritual grace to hold me
Here, take it back (the key) my suitcases are lighter, years of
Running from so many has lightened the load, this stray blonde
Wisp of golden hair has been touched by the devil, and the virgin
Angel you carried over the threshold, a mere figment of a lost mind
(Yours) and there is a ride waiting, destination unplanned this time
My lips yearn yours (take a memory) and photograph you asleep...

Pale pink negligee, now worn out--the touch of breasts, removes
The innocence of first night--laughing we held hands, sat prim beside
The white picket fence, dry air caressing our faces, as anxious lips
Touched--a thousand volts of electricity soared within our chemistry
We became ONE (so you thought), and the gold wedding band
Circle of grace broke evenly in my mind, bizarre, sick I prefer
The dirty act of sexual violence, anyone will do
Sounds of primal anger, flirting with bodies fighting
For one gasp of air (yes in our bed), and lips
Bruised from drowning kisses, furtive beginnings
Repeated sexual acts, performed in all ways, but without love remind
YOU that I was struck down years before we met, and given the
Vision that allows lust to climb higher than love, when the sun
Sets my courage spurs further adventure and tonight is not a test
It is homework, do not gaze at me in disbelief, there is no one man
Who can afford the pain of loving me, here, wear this banner upon
Your chest, your tears are not real, but planned
Trust is never here within me, so how could you
Blame me, you were not due home tonight and
Yet it is easier for me to skip at age seven years
Down the path waving good bye, whether I got to school or play
Games beside the railroad track, or desire what I will never speak
Forgive me this one failure, my average is better as time goes by
It is you I love, and you have left me to leave you, given me cause
Texas divorce is fast, eight weeks, "all done" and you might find
A stupid maiden who will lie to you, and spread her wings, celibate...

To test is a failure
You found me here a day early
Pray tell, you came too late...