III. My Meadow is dead..

Time Passed I Saw the Meadow
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
August 3rd, 2006

July heat, awake all night, excitement building for I would meet you today
A man I knew by voice, the internet replaces the historical days when soldiers
Would write women love letters, return home from battle, marry and raise a family
The telephone told me your heart was filled with empty pain, like a champagne
Glass of fine crystal, empty, and now attracting dust molecules, we shared this
Void--a dark black velvet undefined by two, lived by each, separately, across
Eight hundred miles or more, the exhaustion of packing too much, the short
Tight dress fit my form (a leather glove), and my high heels clicked the pavement
Boarding the plane a moment of fear filled my heart, how could I
Meet you this way, for you had felt my despair (knew me well),
Pain was our joining of hands across the fetid miles, towards a
Land of culture that was foreign to my Yankee education, my
Decisive opinions, did you know the battle began at birth and
You would not consume me or fill your thirst, this weekend
You were there, as was I, the weekend shall remain sealed from the public view
Roses, stuffed teddy bears, your hug embraced me before I came, and when the
Last day came you asked me if I would move in, leave the West Texas desert
Behind I murmured "yes" but in exhaustion wondered what I could feel when I
Returned there--I had lost all I loved, my children, my home, my material assets
The spinning stopped, no longer dizzy I stepped out of the plane to remember
I left my bears behind (in the bathroom) and tears of pain escaped my heart pent
Up for years (since birth) and unleashed I became more me, due to you, I wait
Relationships were not my fallow field, what I did cannot explain
How I felt after (each one of you), and there is no apology for you
Choosing me to fill your fantasy or I letting you down, pushing you
Down the stairs with a huge thud, nothing knocked sense into a
One of you, yet he was dark, reminded me in spirit of Daddy and
Was to be the man I love, no matter how many times the storms
Came and I ran away, you knew I would return, exhausted by the
Emotions we did not know and still do not understand I love you
Today the desert plain is common, the brilliant sky of blue and white does not
Inspire my soul, nor comfort my pain, this is as if I were born here, a native of
West Texas (I am not), and time is escaping my life as if helium leaves a full
Balloon urged by one tiny pin hole, unidentified, a blight on the fertile fields of
Grain, one's body will die, it is dying slowly, there are diseases filling it daily and
Spoonfuls of honey do not soothe the endless roaring, gnawing, and severe
Rat bite forced to my rabid heart, my legs teeter and fall and birth is a gain of
The young who reproduce like wild rabbits, with abandon, do you feel me here?

Six years have passed, this summer the heat has born death in many around this
Nation (America), and no one can hitch hike to freedom, or to a lofty mountain in
The Berkshires to escape the vapor of death, seeping inward as your breathe,
The mountain stream trickles and flaps on large grey boulders, beating the bubbles
Out, and I walk bare foot to touch the edge, my body begging for cool, and only
Lukewarm awaits me, and a bed is not where I sleep, instead with forced and
Synthetic cold air I ply a motel room, no longer afraid of past rapes in such rooms
Preposterous men who think they can "get away with it" no longer I care for they
Are gone, you filled their space, your rage at times allows the
Ex Golden Gloves boxer (you are) to surface, and explode in
Verbal and physical assault, you can climb into a place no one
Allows and when you reach the emotional core and see the sign
Posted "no trespassing" you enter any way, you fear nothing at
All but you, and today the tiny purple flowers of winter do die
Immersed in dark, rich, earth with frozen ice patches in the petals, even in winter
A flower grows here, the bayou stretches near railroad tracks, and years of poverty
Feed a people who drink from birth, carouse, gamble, and return home to find an
Apron roped woman a wife waiting, to tend the house, let out the dogs, make a meal
Never make love to (for she will leave won't she), and desire her total heart, as if it is
Deserved you, do you know how to build a castle in the sand, run your toes in the
Salty brine of far off seas, can you come forward and hold me in your arms, look me
In the eyes and say "I love you" and be prepared for all that falls down, when to me...

You are all, and I cannot drive away
The pelican is not here, the celebration begins
I am yours (you are mine) and yet we
Fight the bitter end, make a place first and sit
Down, exhausted yet again, do know that you are
It, all of me (and I you), do not wave good bye...