For the ONE who fills my heart, my life....

Lattice of Lace
for my "A" always...
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
December 9th, 2006

Be kind, oh this lesson is not taught in elementary school, it is here
Filtering through each pore of my skin, smoothing away the tear drops
Clearing my blood shot eyes, holding me close in that human embrace
Where love is felt, sipped (like fine wine), and cherished forever, and
The great God who told me "you are good enough" filled me up, took
The deepest damage, and planted truth within my heart, this seed grows

Sweet buttercup of spring, one lone daffodil rests
Upon the brick, the light of afternoon is gentle pink
The sun goes down lower in this winter sky, east of
Here (home), and the dogs bark to "great" he who I love...

Time has accumulated like government files, and the smell of stale paper
Coffee stained edges, penned in lines, and years of concise evaluations
Ends today, the reason and thought is long gone, like that bad hurricane
The havoc, destruction, and death ended, and the oak tree stands strong
Growing new green leaves on powerful branches, and beneath I can sit
Garnering cool shade in the hot summer of the bayou, not restless, just me...

That big old wild rose bush blooms furiously; scarlet red petals
Fall beneath in the shade, and a fragrance emits deep into the fall
Where barren branches remain, awaiting a first frost, winter cold
Snow may come again, so the welcome mat gleams white, home...

The little girl loves you, with total abandon, she listens to each word you
Speak eager to learn, to find laughter deep in her heart, to touch your
Strong muscular hand in sleep (let you know she is there), and desires
Your touch in the dark morning hour when you whisper "the birds are.."
Singing, and deep in her soul the solo voice rises, like a hymn from the
Almighty, the true gift of love, unconditionally is within, without, with us...



Turn to me, those eyes are so deep, the shades of green and brown blend
Dark jet black hair, a face of character, grace, and a smile that lights up
Inside of me like our first Christmas tree, the doves of peace circle, alight
The wreath of pine, the red bow, the ribbons yet tied, and still I might ask
"What do I do" knowing your answer is final, right, and that the days we
Count are precious coins, passed from ancient Greeks in the Aegean sea

From your hand to mine, there are no interlopers
I am "till death do us part" and I will stay
Even if you make me cry, the tears are my truth
You cry too, and I won't let you go, can't let you go...

The enemy remains in the farthest field; they are hungry, days without food
The water ration is almost gone, and the skies beg rain, perhaps snow for
The temperatures are dropping, the youngest soldiers recall loving wives
Newborn children at the breast, a time when turkey dinner was too busy
A tear drops, they fight starvation, a tear falls, they forsake death
The white flag is buried deep beneath the packs, and the Colonel motions

The youngest soldier stands tall and says "yes sir"
Walks forth in a strong march, and bears the flag
Beyond the field the troops motion, "they give in"
Bellies full, warm blankets, relief from the night wind...

This battle ends today, the day is young, the tasks many, and tonight
When sleep wraps around me like a glove, my destination is marked
Clear, and your arms are around me holding me close, leading me back
Home (where my heart is), home (where I will always be), home
Is the first stop, and the last stop I will make, and this lattice fence
Beneath the garden, near the magnolia tree sparks my eyes, again...

This lattice is lace...
Oh I do love you, forever and a day...
I am here at the door, please
Yes the key fits, "I am home..."
I love you still, just now the right way...

I divorced you (2) times...

Terance Flight Watch
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
December 5th, 2006


The chains bind, sear, cut deep (no more), and the last bus
Leaves the terminal, the Christmas lights are out of place, that day
Passed weeks ago, and a child stares past you (don't I exist) as
He clasps his mother's hand, she is too busy to watch if she knew
That you are (I am) a diseased vehicle, a Mack Truck let loose on
This world to spread my virus, (venom) to all who come close
To this healed but needle-pricked arm, awaiting that
First fix, the prison walls smell familiar, and huddled
Back inside, there is one memory of a man like you
(Me) who made it back alive, his sentence just a last
Good bye to the system he owes "time served" and he'll be home
A wife, three sons, a life ahead--a job, they forgave him (not you)
The smell of exhaust fills nostrils used to prison smells, old meat
Served on starchy sauces tainted with bacteria, the punishment
Just to be (me) an addict who stole a DVD, a year served again
Smiling he lights a cigarette, inhales deeply, going West, home
She'll be there, maybe angry, remorseful, telling me
"How it works if you work it" and first I'll do a bump or two
She'll let me in, she can, her guilt has nothing to do
With me, but sure this is LOVE, she's my wife
Stubs the half lit cigarette out, climbs inside, front row seat
Props his head comfortably next to a grandmother going to
Austin to spend the New Year, smiles as he shows her a
Picture of (my son, and this is my wife) she smiles and says
"She's pretty son take good care of her" and I want to laugh
Tell her "no maam she'll be taking care of me" and later the
Sounds of rustling newspaper and cold air as the
Door swings open, passengers leave and exit and
New ones enter, five hours passed (already closer)
The last leg of the journey begins, his seat mate
Squeezes his hand and says "God bless you and listen to Him"
Slowly makes her way through the aisle too small to fit
Her girth, and the smell of home made cookies follows her
A tear falls from a place inside (I can't feel not now) and restless
He stands (I do), stretches (I will), paces (I can't), and sits
Back down on that hard worn seat, the snow falls, a winter storm...

The town is dark, air is bitter ice, the wind blows in from the
East and whips around corners, bites its victims, at 70 mph
The large bus sways and pulls into the South side Terminal
This ride takes almost (2) days but the rest served its purpose
Heading to the public toilet he washes, shaves, changes his
Shirt, pops change into the public phone "Hi Momma Bear I'm back"
She hangs up, does not give him a minute
Anger fills his face with red rage his own mother
A small voice says "how many times have you gone"
"It's not my fault God now don't go on me" and paces
The next call a disconnected number, being a junkie means no
Service, frequent changes, hell a phone is no loss a roof is and
That snarly fix is the only reason to BE HERE, after awhile and
The humming of the neon sign outside the door makes him
Frigid as he wraps his cheap prison jacket tight, and a man stops
Sees him, shakes his head and says "Luke, hey man what's up"
It's that guy from the program, he shakes his hand
"Just got out man what's going on" and to know this
Is it, his ticket, his ride across town, a way out of
This stinking terminal on the wrong side of Midland
The man knows and says "You need a ride, coffee first?"
He nods his head "that sounds good I'm light you catch me"
Big strong arms surround him, a bear hug, and he fights the
Heart that beats sober, and smiles "it's okay I been there too"
His truck is warm, they smoke in silence, and his eyes open
To view the sunrise clean, it is brilliant yellow, Denny's is there..
Two hours later, stomach full, calmer, less fear
"Can I drop you off I got to head to work?" and
He says "Yeh my wife should be home thanks"
The man opens his mouth to speak, then silence
That ride across town, wind stops, and the temperature rises
Snow lays on the sidewalks, waiting to melt in temperate noon
The apartments different, changed, but he points to the building
His friend waits knowing the result, and he runs up the stairs
Knocks, waits, and knocks again, smiling nervously at the truck
The couple shake their heads, they have lived there six months...

She senses the day different, surrounds herself with busy work
Cleaning the kitchen, taking the dogs out, one load of laundry
No urge to go to the bank, the grocery store, or down to
Baton Rouge later for her meeting, but she is chairing tonight
"No choice is there" and her legs grow strong, she is slowly
Forgetting the last year of torture, illness, despair, and
Drops to her knees again, to thank the Lord
For putting her back home, for giving her the
Forgiveness in a man she loves that she knew
She did not deserve, the grace of life, beauty abounds
"A new year 2007" she speaks to no one, and the older dog
Wags her tail, it is just a matter of time where her coppery
Beige fur will be no more, she has outlived her time, and
Serious fatal illness, but he would not let this child go, he
Loved her as unconditionally as he "loved me" she thought
"Good old girl good old Hidis" she speaks, and big Guy
Wants some love too, and she scratches is head
Remembering the day she lifted him from the sewer
Thinking he was old enough, his dam left him to live
Or die, and he came home, and stayed "unlike me"
The cell phone rings a West Texas number "who is it" and
She lets it go to voice mail, shaking her head, this is home
That life is gone, past, the death that was sucking her to the
Proverbial abyss "let go" and ended, she starts the car and
The warm day soothes her, for her eyes are clear, and her
Mind at peace, and later the phone rings again, the same call
"Hello" and it's a friend from the program a man
With twenty plus years, and her expression does
Not change and her words simple "I divorced him"
The man is kind, knows, but tells her in honesty
"He is seeking you anyhow he can stay with me" and relief
Is clear as she replies "be careful he is HIV positive, heroin"
He knows, she feels foolish but also knows to protect those
Who love her, who make the effort to give back what they
Are freely given, "yes thank you and you can call again"
He had given the man her number, not called himself, good...

Much later, after a hard day at work, the obsession
Bites, money in his pocket, that beat up old Ford pickup
Keys in his pocket, a roof he can hang in till kicked out
He sees a friend, the packet trembles in his hand or is it
His hand that trembles, the rig falls to the pavement
One time, again it falls, the packet slips, and the powder
Spills, does not matter, he pulls up, knocks on the door
"Hey man hit me again here" and hands over that green
Wad of cash, the black man glares and turns to the wall
Returns, pulls the trigger and fires, he's gone, at peace
Finally dead, "you mother fucker" don't come to my house.."
The bus pulls out, he is headed east, west, below the grace...

Storm Drain..."For A"

Storm Drain
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
December 4th, 2006

Interloper came, demanding satisfaction, bill collector of the spirit
Flying higher than the red kite you knew as a boy, and treasured
Yet low enough to see, perhaps fear, never invite in, no not here
To this dark, dank, hole, this quiet and wet tunnel beneath the clean
Air, and world above all else, you have lived here for too long,
Come out, the sun will not burn your pale skin, come forth

The night is ice cold, bitter, there are snowflakes
Scurrying out of the sky, beating pathways of
Substance on the sidewalk below, the windshields
Freeze it is an early winter storm, come out...

She knows not when pain is an enemy, a faint friend, falling about her
Invading clearer thoughts, God's will and wisdom is healing if she
Remembers not to fall down, dark eyes blinded by FEAR, the tidal
Wave ended years ago, this new journey is hard for one beaten
Down to ashes, burned to dust, and left for dead in a dumpster
That is over if you let it be, join your friend, smile, he is waiting...

The wilderness is quiet, and the small fire smells
Of coffee grounds buried below, the stew you made
Caught fresh, skinned, ingested and sleep is coming
Softly, gently into your tired form, lay down, rest...

The highway is so long, tedious but brand new this trip, for it is
The last time she will venture from west to east, she will stop
Along the way and revel in how all is "new" and fresh, that the
Dialects change and never was she Texan, but she was his, all
He is belongs within her heart, and all she will be and grow is
His alone, even when sounds rise to a loud pitch, this is love...



There is a lone sparrow perched upon that telephone line, if you
Did not look closely you would miss him, for he blends simply
Into the background, he is powerful and yet silent, gentle of heart
Strong of will and physical endurance, he is able to reach forth
In the cold dark night, or stand totally still in the vapid heat of
Summer day, and not perish, for death is not his life's work

The church down the road, not far from the post office
Comes alive on Sunday, the rocky parking lot fills and
They pray in silent misery, they sing in loud joy and we
Cannot say God is NOT here, for we do not know...

She is beginning to see every long blade of pasture grass, so deep
Green, dampened with morning dew drops, the heavy summer air
Sits, awaiting the sun to rise to high temperature, and the work of
Creatures in the field continues, the chirping frog, the buzzing honey
Bees, the cow's tail smacks a horsefly in lazy motion, a stray kitten
Comes upon the field mice who escape, and hide once more...

He knew "before she knew" and loved before she
Could open her big heart to him, she skipped in the
Rain, smiled and thought she was doing right, and today
The heaviness tries to lift itself off her burdened soul...

Frustration is biting her and nagging, pushing her back to memory
God says "no" and she listens, stops her "thinker" and relaxes
Her frail physical form, to absorb HIS grace, HIS healing presence
"If only it would stop" and HE hears her cry, HE listens, and now
She must be quiet, very still, without any self-will to finally be
Touched just once (that's all it takes); trust the outstretched hand..



HE is kind, loving, and good; the taste of sweet chocolate cookie upon
My tongue, the comfort of a fire roaring in a home protected from the world
A child's innocence, acceptance, and willingness to move into HIS arms
Receive comfort, a first breath of life, a promise of earthly life to share
To be like HIM truly, not hold onto the damaged vessel of physical despair
A seagull cries in the distance, and that Greek ship slowly comes to port

"Let go my child" and the words enter this open door and
Fear battles to keep a death grip around her throat, but she does
A sensation of oneness fills her briefly, she seeks more and knows
She cannot ask HE will give in HIS time, today is a start, beginning...

Empty thoughts will become the foundation, let the mind be vacuumed
Cleared of all events of life experience, seek nothing--receive all of HIM
Be willing to love that which you hate (for it is only you), be sweet as the
Gentle honeysuckle growing freely in the forest, fly as the morning dove
To meet his partner upon the fence, do not judge yourself for today you
Are not to be again, this medicine is of conscience, and the triune God...

The pen falls from her hand, the tolling church bell is quiet
This street is unfamiliar, and the faces all different, somehow
The day is the first, there is frozen earth, scant snow covering
Blades of grass strong enough to remain, there is no time at all...

"God take all of me as you will" and the suffering stops, the body cannot
Remember what it has been cleansed to "forget" and the stars are now
Dotting the ground (not the sky) and the children are laughing aloud in
A school yard beyond the clouds and on high, somewhere not here not
Now...The fruit is blooming on flower stems, and the oak trees bear
Ice pops in grape, orange, and cherry, do you see to believe you must stop...



The Lord must receive me, release me from chains
On my knees I pray for patience, just one more day
The Christmas tree smells fragrant, it is not mine, alone
I will be until all is let go to HE who surely will save me...
God alone, no one else, can save, and heal me...
"Amen" the tears fall, stop, to fade away...
Thank you for this day...

Me, Karen :-)

Thought of you...

To Bury Thought
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
October 7th, 2006

This morning bizarre, body bending into painful sparks of fury, the
Flame lit a bonfire, and the perception of heat, brought tears this
Moment, to stand is unbearable to pretend a smile that is nowhere
Near the terror in my eyes, this song is unfinished, the scattered
Clothing, makeup, opened suitcase show a flight far from here
No longer from me, from the eternal pain, but to HE who saves

How did I end up here, almost two thousand miles from
The children I gave birth to, the man I was married to for
Too long, who lost the control to abuse me, beat me to
The death pulp of last demise, he is gone, so was I, bye

Happiness is one simple cherry, the sweetness soothes my mouth
Taking me out of this fearful death watch, beyond recognition my
Life has held on one thin thread, always overburdened, never simple
I taste this pure place inside, God fills me slowly but with finite
Gloss, I lick my lips one time, all illness to pass, my mind asleep
How is it the night is like a dim tavern light beckoning me back in

Small town grows, changes, no longer do we leave the
Door unlocked, three miles away the crack houses profit
Repeat, return customers, rich man and poor lined up for
One rush into insanity, one death defying drop down when

Reality rushes in, how many have walked around the duck pond where
The wind blows east, and the slacking sounds of the geese, and ducks
Compares equally with the stench of their oily feathers, pushed down
They remain in this man made pond, they covet rain unlike pets who
Grew up here and won't venture outdoors during a storm to urinate
I came here alone, felt that dry gentle wind touch my skin, to stay on...


The men came in and out of my life, not my bed, I'd go to theirs for
My home was safe, and my pilot friend and I would compare details and
He more than any knew my mind was not female, he accepted that my
Nights were restless, and that sex was the lost filler for the tiny hole
I carried (in my heart); vaulted box Virginia, he forgot to tell truth
Acid life burned to widen the hole, drowning in West Texas dust

Dirt beyond the coyotes preying on life flesh somewhere
Nearer Lamesa way lustful thoughts of what the powerful
Physical fuck in Lubbock would bring until 2 a.m.
I'd recognize you, quietly dress, desire lost, leave you

This cycle to repeat, burying the pain and loss of what I love to this day
Five children of my flesh, mothered in perfect love for 20 plus years that
Could not be replaced, the hope that justice would reign failed to grow
The pain so great never did I end the thought that my own mother raped
Me, the only love I knew (then) and the WORD brought me to my knees
Divorce final, I asked the God who loved me "bring me one to love"

HE did and today I thank HIM for the strength beyond me
To love me without condition to accept those runs from
Pain, the multiple flights from love, and one heart beating
That began as two, today I accept it was my wrong to right

Amber light flows like this small stream, the mountain air arrests my
Senses, to awaken on dew dropped pasture grass near a mountain where
The cold air removes this nausea, this sense of fatigue and a running deer
Pauses at my feet (unafraid) and the crystal lake sounds silent but safe
I swim that last mile bathed in recuperated grace, no tug boat, no
Factory within three hundred miles, no mankind standing on my heart...


You stood on the doorstep, knocked, and walked in, nowhere could I
Be found, that woman sitting near the fire (who is she) has sadness
Wrapping around her like another human form if she did not take a
Breath you would not know she is alive, a sound issues forth and a
Gun shot explodes down a road she cannot travel, your dog moves
Closer in recognition, she whispers "take me home" and you see

The years of pain dragging like a crippled leg
The people who entered with grenades happy to
Destroy, the losses like grave markers standing
To be counted and you pause then say "come with me"

One suitcase left, the key to the door locks in loud revulsion she
Wants to walk alone, trembling she takes one step, then two, and
In grave familiarity her body follows, blonde hair reminds you of
Her children when very young, let her do this alone, it is time for
The excuses to fade, slip and end (they do) and the sunlight touches
Her pale face, she hesitates, continues and the hardest part complete

For weeks her appetite remains hidden, and weakened
Day by day you wonder if this time she won't make it
Then on Thursday she asks for food (life) and when
Done sleeps in exhaustion, this ride will end

Tonight in deepest black night you sleep and feel a hand tentative
Touch your bicep and you remain motionless for the confession
Will begin, the words will force out of a mouth silent for years
By daylight she will rest and God will enter this place anew
"I love you" is all and the night turns to day and the weeks
Grow to months, and the lone dove lands on the roof, flies away

Will it be
Can it be
Me...

In God we are healed...

I End the Time
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
October 5th, 2006


Petals brush my hand, and the lime line in the sky beyond blue turns
Pale pink, the horizon spreads like soft butter, painted in foreign
Brush strokes, scattered in such majesty, my eyes open this time
Seeing YOU, asking YOU to take me, my acceptance has taken a
Lifetime, do they recognize the massive change the tidal wave the
Ending of before and after thoughts of a woman (me) who is gone
This hand cannot lift without pain, and yet it waves

A broad hello, a sincere good bye for the entrance of
YOU has weakened, broken, and ended me, and the
Gratitude is filling me totally, the memories folded
Put away like clean and bleached sheets, tomorrow I might change

The bed and find they are gone, and no more will the enemy camps
Plant their stakes in my innocent graveyard, burying the human
Victims of time and place, edging me further from the belief that
Sustains me even now, that yes your son Jesus Christ died for my
Sins, and the worry of others is gone, for they face their own land
The meadow spreads wide before us our pasture is green, lucid, lush

A home emptied and raped of love and warmth
A child lost and found only to be lost again
A woman grown not knowing where to begin
How to be an adult in a world gone mad (bad)

YOU took me in, and guided me far away from that desert plain
Where a full gas can and a match awaited my sin and ending of life
Explosion to rock the desert and hurt the hearts of those who could
Not through blinded eyes SEE the TRUTH, or feel the loss only a
Mother knows of all that bore fruit from her womb, without a crime
A sin it was taken away, and yet today I pray "accept all of YOU in me"...

Guns are firing distant, and somewhere in New Mexico a simple man
Walks the dusty road, not wanting or anticipating more than the pleasant
Landscape, the dry warm fall air burrowing, standing, then sitting on his
Forearm as he walks, he works and eats simply, his dog stands at his
Side, perhaps his wife died, and his children left but he (like me) knows
The fruit on the tree remains unpicked, and we are given just a day

To plant, harvest, and reap the love of YOU in our hearts
One word spoken carries monumental love to so many
One raised hand in friendship empties years of hate and
Sadness is just a state of pity, a hamper of dirty clothes

Forget the hurt the pain the attacks, if you can relieve yourself as I
Must, walk a few steps to a narrow path, sweep the dust away and
Read the message written in stone before you, the sky has become
A softer blue, and the white pillow clouds multiply holding hands
In the circle of life, the lone dove flies to your heart and lets you
Know today that HE loves all of you, and we are lifted higher than

The wandering kite without a string, far beyond the ocean
To a destiny uncharted, and the islands of time await us
If we only let go, stop working against the truth, and on
Bended knee pray for HE to save us, don't fight again, its

Too late to start again, I end the time for the clock has stopped and
Only the rising sun tells me of a new day, the church bell tolls and
The sound enters me for the first time, a barn filled with hay is so
Fragrant, and that single horse grazing so beautiful, the rejection
Is gone, the guilt buried, swallowed whole, we live through one who
Promised us everlasting life, we are here again, beyond the gate..


The shame of wasted years is ending
God your love is all of me, and today I think
Will anyone recognize me, and yet does it matter
Not at all, you are holding me, BEING me, letting me
Live as you intended, the CREATOR has been the
Artist of lost time, the star is singly held, I am
Only YOUR reflection, God rest this pain...

Me September 10th, 2006

The Passing of a Friend...

Dear Friend(s),

A friend in the program, like me who has loved
his dogs forever, known their total humanity (more
so than we as humans can give) lost a dear friend his
"big gold dog" Tres a week ago.

I found out last night, and ask you all to share
this simple prayer of life, for I know in God's heaven
also is our dearest, and most trusted furry friends.

My love to you Wallace and Tres, God holds us
all in HIS most loving hands...

Karen G.

He Tucked Me In
Dedicated to "Tres and Wallace"

by
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
September 24th, 2006

This school boy does not know, the darkness of night, the
Rising of sun, the wind gently touching boughs and branches
Beneath my heart, without love, the colors of fall cannot leave
Me, not now, for as I lay to rest, my time is beginning, and he
Did not leave, did not stop to say good bye, for you dear frined
Tucked me in...

I know sorrow comes in shades of grey
The abyss can linger, alone yet far away
The moment I turn back, to see your trust
To smile, to reach for you again, I know

Dear God this night I pray, to sleep in peace, give me serenity please
A ray, of gentle rainbow after rain, of dew dropped grass, this
Morning song I do send, to see all life that comes to me, I dare
Not forget how you "just did love me" without condition nor to
Bend, like branches blowing in that fast West Texas wind,
He tucked me in...

You the parent, the child, all one blend
I cared deeper, the depths while one tear went
Dropped from my eyes, there is no trust
No greater friend, to smile, to heaven I to send

Our last night so simple, sweet, the routine we build, a life we keep
Somewhere behind me memories lend, the many days we smiled
Your eyes now see, an everlasting hymn of gratitude, no person
Can give your special presence, for we to learn, and humbly stand
A dog, a friend, this one strong man, the silver leaves hold this end
You let me sleep, you tucked me in...

Tres, dear Wallace, Gods peace I pray
Creation comes, his life is his way
With love..A man, a dog, two friends...
Thank you God
You tucked him in...

The Song ends...

Tell the Song
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
September 14th, 2006


In the amber shadow, the brown branch stays, reaching with
Worn leaves burned by sun, empty of light, now dry, unable
To touch, the earth below, or break off to become the wind's
Refuge, to blow far away from this barren landscape, where
Desert plain is endless, timeless, ageless, and the human forms
That dot the surface, working like efficient ants, are glowing
Fireflies, they die on command, endless rain will never come
The tired old man needs heroin, he is falling down, no one

Cares, they walk by, invisible to the healthy land mines
He crawls behind a brick building laying face up to
The burning sun (to die), and the mongrel dogs ignore
His last breath, a word of solace to all, "God" is all

Today, hear that silent song, blue in color following you up
And down the stair steps of your mind, shake loose all the
Dust, spider webs, soiled clothing, dirty dishes and become
One life that sees the world "just" as it is, the tears form
From a place you did not know (your heart) and you cannot
Barricade the children within the fence, they are running wild
The playground has no boundaries, and their voices scream
In happiness, potential life to grow, they are seeds, and you

Just fall, telling old stories, and the dirty dollar bill
Flies out of your pocket, a police car pulls us and
Two officers young enough to be your grandsons
Shake their heads in unison, like children they call

The coroner's car takes you to the air conditioned room, and
You are gone, wave good bye, for soon parts of you will be
The remainder of long years lived on planet Earth, and the
Brown branch falls, cracks on icy soil, it is December and a
Stray snow forms in highest skies, and a blizzard bathes the
Plain this night, the coyote is hidden deep in the barren hill
North of Midland, far enough where inches will form on the
Ground, and children will stay home from school, listen the song...

The church bell hesitates, pulls back, its huge silver countenance
Like a belligerent face, pulls back, and watching it without closing
Your eyes, you see an old man you once knew, his smile absent
The tower is beyond your touch, or you could climb up and
Feel the silver on his cheek, experience the tears never shed
Tell him "Daddy I love you I did all along" and be the young
Man of pride he bore, with that mother who pulled you back
Beat you with her infatuated lies, into clear mental submission

He cries alone, red baseball cap in hand, it took
So long to find this father, above the Christian house
No worship, no prayer will bring him back today
He is at peace, the track marks healed, he is of

God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and so
Jesus Christ died for our sins, and he'll punch the clock, study
His books at night, become the man "Daddy" could not be,
Marry the girl who did not lay down, spread her legs wide
The one who inspired his manhood to rise is now gone, just
A fictional memory of lust, and Sunday he goes back before
The bell rings, to sit in pensive gaze below on that brown
Bench burrowed in prayer, and reverence for the man, now gone

To each his own, now years pass, arthritis burns
His back in the morning, and circles under his
Eyes speak of ill health, the years are short we see
Later on, down the road, when we cannot leave

Hell on earth, to journey to happy places, vacation lands only
Today it is hard to walk, to see backwards with pride, to feel
The many who walked through your heart, who burned small
Pores of indecision in your mind, who never cared the way
You do now, who will be too busy to attend your funeral or
Too old to care, who will pray to bank accounts, and make
People their God, forever and ever amen, close your eyes
Don't think this say, tell the song to stop, playing here...

In my head...
Silence can reign..

The Shadow Regress

The Shadow Regress
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
September 9th, 2006


She falls, the pavement absorbs impact, a sound of crunching bones
Blood oozes, she is twisted like a rag doll, there is a cry from a distant
Place, this broken heart is ended, like a bad book with no ending, it is
Shattered, spilled, and the shadow behind her moves away, this last
Walk is silent, painful, she is free of the living, those she never
Understood, who stood at her doorstep, banging like bill collectors

Demanding that she be someone she did not know
Pretend to give what she had no surplus of
Lay upon spikes of emotional hate daily for
An indeterminate time, until she fell today

Willingly, without warning--to her death, the clover growing at the
End of the stream are fragrant, she can see clearly now as she
Stands up whole, in a place where no harm goes, or comes she is
Free of all feelings, the fear is finally passed, there is nothing
Pulling at her heart which beats steadily without effort, and
Tonight sleep will wrap around her, as she ventures home for the

Last trip never to return to you nor to
Want to (not this time) and those left behind
Cannot stand on her chest forcing her down
Time and time again as they did, relieved of

Life, the living, the earth once a gift from God, HE brings her back
Pure, untouched by pain, living justly in HIS presence, and the
Rainbow forms as the sun shines through raindrops, they fall with
Purpose, and the book is written again, this time a happy ending
She turns as the child waves to the horizon, and climbs the final
Mountain top, yes alone, she has always been, and now at the end...

This had to stop, the field is fallow, they burned the remaining cane
In the fall it is blackened, dense, patches of yellow remain, but this
Time the blight has come, faraway sheep fall to their knees stricken
The disease is invisible, silent, and the suffering of millions is found
Right here, below the small bayou, beyond the house where lilac
Flowers bloomed in winter frost the first year, and I waited for you

To love me forever, you did not know how
To be the man in our couple but the parent
You became, the father you never had you
Were to me, you forgave my endless sins and

Wiped away my tears as I ran inside myself, then away, driving miles
To and from, a simple promise, a word of love held me fast, the
Thousands of miles, dirty rest stops, the HOPE in my heart that you
Would be like "they" and you wanted me to know that you were not
Different you are, will be, long past the time they cremate my worn
Body, and the maggots cannot fester in my remains, and the Judge

Who took my children dies of self contempt
The children cry "Mommy no" and it stops
It ends, the nightmare is over no more will
I awaken in a cold sweat bathed in the LOVE

That only a mother knows, I am that woman, their beloved mother
God gave me that right, I grew up raising them, learning how to be
The child disallowed me at birth, my tears stop again, my eyes dry
The sewer is overflowing and the stench is driving me to my knees
I vomit again and again and still am not empty, do not take the child
Their mother will die today for she has given up, the lies, the pain...

Laying broken, one last breath
The blood is spattered and a
Toddler points to the dead form
"Mommy look at that..."
She is gone...




" Karen G. "
Gee whiz it's me !!!
Karen Hallenbeck~Sikorsky~George BS,RN,UM,QC"
Interqual Certified
Published Psychiatric Researcher
Advocate for those in CIP, HIV, Psychologic Pain
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KeeshondenToShowAndLove/
KeeshondenToShowandLove
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/OneAnGeLInPain/
"One AnGeL In Pain"
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnAnGeLInPain
"AnAnGeLInPain"
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ADayWithoutPain/
"ADayWithoutPain"
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PotassiumWastingDisorders
"Potassium Wasting Disorders"
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/renal_tubular_acidosis/
"Renal Tubular Acidosis"
http://groups.msn.com/AnGeLsInPain
"MSN AnGeLs"
(Our chat forum)




(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.•*~¸.•*¨)

They did not agree much,
in fact they rarely agreed at all,
they fought all the time, and challenged
each other everyday, but in spite of their differences,
they had one thing in common,
they were (are), crazy about each other.
------
" There is one way to teach those the truth who are not able to give truth
in a way they do not forget; one makes their lie the truth.."
by Karen G... 7-26-2006

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best,
night and day, to make you everybody else means to
fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight;
and never stop fighting. -e. e. cummings-"

"God provides, HE will DO FOR US
what we CANNOT do for ourselves..."

...Journal entry...

Hello to those who Read,

I have judiciously been walking the "duck pond" for 3 days running; yesterday I left for the task in the midst of a thunder, and or lightning storm with "true warnings" posted. Indeed not being a West Texan that does not affect me in the least. In short I have been hit by lightning while with the first "husband" back in Virginia--meaning lightning struck the front of our large Dutch Colonial (needed 5 bedrooms with 5 girls yes another day and blog...), and I in the back in my office went to yank the plug on my PC (IBM at the time) and was literally thrown across the room, and emerged with a blackened and painful hand. Not to mention it fried my hard drive but that was in the day of "good home owners insurance" that allowed full replacement value...

Stopped at Family Dollar for really I need to picket Albertsons for their overpriced "anything" it's a rotten shame that you can go to "Wally World" and pay half or LESS for groceries, however, there is a constant barrage or crowd of anyone at anytime, and in my recent months health has prohibited me barely driving without thinking I'd collapse. Those who know and love me know how bad it's been, those who are getting to know me, think "they know" and inference is not proven until tried by jury...This stated for someone who needs to know...

I am a professional nurse; injured in 1998 and getting a very rare pain disorder (RSD now called CRPS) and mine became systemic (very rare) and it is end-stage. The pain has been researched on the McGill scale at 82 times worse pain then end-stage cancer, and I will continue on pain management for life due to this, and 40 other autoimmune disorders also resulting from the injury. I then had a serious decline in the past 2 years; wasting K+ (potassium) which is the ion the most important one that carries electrical impulses to the heart. I have suffered some new diagnoses and they are ones I cannot dwell on today, or I will die just from the weight of the massive medical history I carry like an albatross upon my back. I am frail enough without the two ton weight added to me, and at five nine, only weigh now 110 pounds which is a 30 pound weight GAIN ,since I married my second and third husband, Luke... They found the pain literally was devouring my body weight and even consuming 5,000 kcals a day did NOT keep me above 84 pounds. They had to work on my pain medications and one old time drug was added to the mix (and man do I take a mix to live for my sympathetic nervous system is about shot now aka SNS), so that is part of me, who I am...

Run pain support lists and have been giving back that way since my injury. I have referred thousands for pain management around the world; yes world--including England, Canada, and the good old U.S.A.

There is more of me but I am as yet "used to" this type of blog in fact I hate it you cannot underline, you cannot indent, et al. Irritating to me at best.

Wishing all readers,

A good day, and some peace...

Karen G.

Addendum 5:50 p.m. CST

Did my 4th round today; there were men out there trimming the grass, and it was hellish hot with an odd south wind blowing (almost knocked me down as I circled facing downtown Midland (what a view yeh right), but just wanted to say how "cruel" people can be on the internet...I made comments to a friend of mine who has a blog, and logged on to read and saw some truly sick commentary made--about me--someone without the balls to write a name either...Sad but true...I had responded to a cute post about his lovely dogs titled "Nurse Wanted" and then today he apparently changed the title to "An Apple a Day" and I'm not an apple, am a nurse...He seems like such a nice man, so certainly he would not write such trash, however, it is eerie how those who cannot face themselves in the mirror will take a stab at someone who can, does, and will...

Peace Out!

....Love is not Cotton Candy....

Love Is Cotton Candy
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
August 17th, 2006

Soft and lavender pink, touch my tongue, pseudo sweet, this cloud
On a stick of twirled paper, entices the clouds behind me billowing
Fat, full, pregnant with the light weight of moments to come, this
Landscape cannot remain, changing it moves with rapid force, we
Forget to stare, let it seep deep, in that blue cyanotic heart, that is
Lacking life, oxygen flows again into me, "breathe deep"

Tonight the angel sleeps, hand curled like a child
Tender fist unclasps as God takes her home, to a
Subtle yet safe place, this white room with no ceiling
Where all the sky points downward in loving caress

Still the carnival is in town, the rides are broken, worn chains strike
Fear in the crowd, who line up and the sweat stains mar their cotton
Shirts, as they wait for their turn to collide with the cold black asphalt
Neon lights shine, the synchronization of time and elements elapsed
Big Ben chimes an ocean away, in a foreign place where dainty drizzle
Settles like serenity on the skin of a newborn child, we hold hands

Skip a place in line, stare deeply into one another's
Eyes only to walk away, hand in hand, to the car
A ride to the desert plain where prairie dogs sleep
Predator coyote stalks the scent of blood, we wait

Old woman hobbles out to hang cotton shirts on the line, the faint odor
Of bleach sifts into the fresh morning air, arthritis tenders her aging joints
Pain is a day at a time, her apron was bright red, now faded to dull pink
The wings of her past gently lift her up, she hangs one clothes pin at a
Time feeling the kiss of her children on her weathered cheek, this is
Love at no cost, no pirate will rob you of this memory, embedded within...

Heart of gold (24 karat) is meshed within the chain link fence, prison bars
Stand forcibly tall, the sweat of former inmates sickens the inner wall of
A stomach filled with cheap carbohydrates, there is no life behind the
Wall of the chain, shackled with force, primed to "do it all over again"
Blame "me" as "he" can, and don't come back, find the humid shoreline
Quick fix, and the black night of the shoreline is dead still, "don't wait"

I like your words, coming from intellect, they are
Metered with faint sprinkles of emotion, at times
Your eyes allow entry, my child wants to come in
This storm is the final curtain call, (does he know)

The sun is creeping through a week of storms, asking for forgiveness
Clearance through the misty and heavy weighted clouds, there is simple
Joy in seeing the dry heat, for August spills the hope for fall nights
Wrapped under a down comforter, windows cracked, by noon the next
Day the summer heat returns, but the sun smaller by season, the light
Tinted with touches of blue, there is a place you might rest, come in

The boy wears his baseball cap backwards, wanting
Them to accept him, ask him over, he wants a friend
Mother died, father left, and Grandma is getting tired
She smiles with love, but she will sleep one day

Walking downtown, there are scattered memories of a time before the
"Boom," and the man with a tin cup died forty years ago, the town
Buried him for free, a simple stone marks his head, he is still living
Popcorn at the movie theater, high school couples on a Friday night
(Tell me more) and the chiffon painted lime green on her prom gown
He tries the "first kiss" and she giggles, a drink of bathtub gin...

Test the moon, it is bitterly full, burgeoning like a pregnant cow, the
Birth pains begin, and she shudders with full force as the contractions
Take her body by surprise, she moans, and life is filling her womb and
Leaving her weak, compromised, this entry into the fold of mankind
Beats the chimes of money in the pocket, milk and meat, as God
States the animals are but for the fitness of the sinners who populate

Earth as HE created it in seven days
Sunday the day of rest, and the fairy
Sprinkles dust in the eyes of Adam as
He desires more, and the brutality begins

The children are at recess, skipping rope, the boys play kick ball
Ruddy sun tanned skin, happy countenance, blue, brown, and black
Eyes dancing in merriment, their innocence is true, and they won't
Know the skate of the death walk, till Mommy and Daddy embed
Their heart with grey stone, and fear will be the catalyst to "not be"
What HE intended, oh dance in circles my heart, escape the fate

I board the jet, still talking on a cell phone
Flight attendant motions "to turn off phones"
Whisper I "good bye" and the un-maintained
Jet struggles to climb to 10,000 feet and an

Engine stops dead, a drop of 3,000 feet straight down, and the old
Woman will hang her clothes (no more), and the businessman seated
Next to her remembers briefly making love to his wife at dawn, and
The co-pilot is young, he barely shaves the peach fuzz off his chin
The desert beckons as the pumps become recklessly evident to all
Sitting on the left side as their windows crack, air pressure gone, explosion


Was it worth it, sweet opera singer play for me
High soprano solo, the song of ending, and my
Tongue traces the last vestige of cotton candy
Will you take me to the fair again?
I promise to go on the rides...I do...

Me, Karen

...RIDDLE by Five for Fighting....

"Five for Fighting"
THE RIDDLE
You can listen on my space link...
http://www.myspace.com/karensikorskygeorgebsrn


The Riddle
"Five for Fighting..."

There was a man back in 95
Whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him

Wait what's the sense in life
Come over me, Come over me

He said,

Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song, or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see...You will see

Then he said,

Here's a riddle for you
Find the answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I....

Picked up my kid from school today

Did you learn anything 'cause in the world today
You can't live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, talk to me

He said,

Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me

And hey Dad
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I....

I said,

Son for all I've told you
When you get right down to the
Reason for the world...
Who am I?

There are secrets taht we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see

He said...You looking for a clue I Love You free...

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
'Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I....

Photo by Karen G. 8-15-2006

...Too sweet is Pepsi....

Pepsi Cola
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
August 15th, 2006

Syrup, so sweet, the gag erupts somewhere in my throat, the ice
Melts again, the straw floats in that glass I like with black designs
I hate Pepsi, there is no slice of lemon, squeezed drops of bitter
Taste to adhere to my tongue--throw it away, rinse it down the
Stainless steel sink, the crater of thirst is a void I cannot fill the
Lion roars on a television set in your living room, the silence is

Living aloud in a church where the choir is humming
Like a bunch of buzzing bees, the old women with
Blue grey hair, coifed into hairdo's from the years we
We born, the snakes are curling tight to strike behind

The pews, and the pastor is ranting about sinners, he zips his fly
He has done the girl who baby sits his children, she remains unpaid
His wife is frigid ice, she is cold, she is slender, and cooks poorly
He thinks he is God, with his round fat belly, stooping over his worn
BVD's his sensuality rating is zero, but his two inch peter is popped
Worn from the infidelity he preaches "not" he is filled with old rum

Little girl your daddy is uneducated, his parents paid
His way through seminary, marijuana was his like and
Sugar coated doughnuts filled his big old stomach do
You run from him when he tucks you in at night, your

Mother so pretty and blonde quit school the same year, he plied
Her with his speech of love, she fell like a new foal on unsteady legs
Teetering into a Christian land of Oz, and Dorothy loaned her the
Ruby red slippers, oh they sparkled and glowed on her wedding night
The poppy field is the bed she lies on today, alone in this masonry
The temple of the living, pass the plate, green smelly bills are in it..

Tonight a birthday song is played in an eatery north of here, the ride
Is endless, you drive the speed limit, cruising past that lake where
Mosquitos bit our ankles (naked) we lay in innocent light, the moon
Did not feed our emotional expression, fat tender lips kiss, kiss some
More, and the rest became a volume of experience, today we celebrate
The day of life you became human, Happy Birthday to you, the candle

Burns and the place is a cave, southwest of Mexico
The foreign language is gentle, spoken in sleeping tones
The people are brown, they miss you peeking out from
A corner of time into their today, so alone you are

Lavender roses are budding in the New Jersey estate, south of Newark
A road of memories, my girls are born one by one, we sit beside the
Brick fireplace, in the middle of this February blizzard, feeling the heat
Nip our frostbit hands, we are hungry and our reddened cheeks speak
Winter is in us, it is living like a huge ice core burning our heart to
Stone, when the defrost comes, and we melt in wet tears, we shame

Hands pulling out weeds, so vigorous, summer is birth
Will it end, will the long tendrils of actions demanded stop
Can you edit the weakness of a heart that burns with hate
Tied to the stake you are, Jesus Christ had a cross not you

Climbing higher, legs hurt from the miles walked, the water is gone
Thirst enters me again, you hand me a Pepsi it is lukewarm, no straw
I start to say "no" and accept it, pop the can open, drink deeply and
Nothing is sweet, nothing is the same, and that lemon tree is further
Down the path then I am willing to walk (today), and the grey storm
Clouds of a summer yet to come, tells me, love the innocent, he is

One of heart, you might learn
To stare in his eyes, once again...

...Be gone to the gun...

Fell Inside
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
August 15th, 2006


No one pushed you, over the edge of that cold stone border
The rim crusted with algae, the edges smooth, elbows rest
Looking down to darkness, a scent of old water, the sounds
Just tiny waves on the border of an ocean not met, this deep
Entry way is to earth, a depth of lime, clay, and sordid entity
Drink from the tin cup, haul the bucket higher, she is near

Further down the road, a mule pulls a wagon,
The driver in straw hat, skin darker than sun burn
Life out on the terrain is endless, the end of the
Desert flat indiscernible, even the eagle's eyes

Run from this distance, shut in frustration, so you sit, another
Wasted day, take advantage of the money you do not earn
The bills pile high, and the trash in your head is endless, the
Boundary stops here, if you lean further you might fall deep
Inside the well, and your hollow cry not heard, for you came
To a place uninvited, to visit without invitation, go west go far

She is kind, gentle, like a mother she loves me
Her sisterhood is like a nun, solid, pure and white
Bridal vow within her heart, she is filled with light
The smell of the solitary yellow rose is upon her

Sweet, your words soothe my tired spirit, the destiny bird is
Circling like a curious vulture, awaiting to alight on my brow
Remove all inhibition and dark boundary, he is as effortless
As a turtle after the rain, or the squawking ducks in that
Man-made pond, over there, the walk is endless, but you
Are holding my hand (my heart) and you love me, I do you...

Hold this gun forward, the firing squad awaits the victor
Look at this tall lanky criminal, walking in prison clothes
The grey wall, of well stone is behind him, he peers out of
Tear stained eyes to the ground; the smell of fresh urine
Evaporates before they aim to fire, shoot him down, it
Sure is a waste of bullets, he learns the lesson of

PAIN to others, the vacuum sucks him in, he is on his
Knees begging for mercy, crying out in waste
Using names, roles, and identities that never
Belonged to him, his wife is pregnant she stands

Without expression by the iron gate, departs
Without a wave, there is another man waiting in the car,
He is the father of her firstborn child, this love surpassed
All time--her husband grovels, turns his back, the jailor
Pulls the rope about his waist causing him to stand tall
One does not shoot the prisoner from behind he must learn

Manhood this last second, it is September and the cool
Breeze of night time fills the nostrils of a child
Doing homework, preparing a lesson and yawning
Before bed, his mother tucks him in, and says
His prayers with him, a gentle pink streak
Paints the night time sky, the velvet grey shadows fill the

Spots between, and outside car doors slam, voices laugh
Togetherness is spotted from the highest throne by the
Father (God) and "it is good" HE loves with wild abandon
Allows the countenance of hope to expire in the sinner and
Recuperate in the weary of heart, this soul is boundless...
My new friend is wise, a spot of blue sky

A repetition of faith, embedded in a voice
A man is so, he is or not, but a boy is never
A chain link fence to the frail, the gentle one
Who glows, her energy returns, fresh, to live again...

"Riddle by Five for Fighting..."

I put a song on my (myspace) profile that has opened the tornado that is my past and makes me literally ill the link is above and here http://www.myspace.com/karensikorskygeorgebsrn

The band is Five for Fighting the song "Riddle"

I am a mess...

Karen G

Elephant Ears...

Another entry to all,

It is Monday, filled with boredom lack of vision, blind empty furrows, holes dug by prairie dogs. They do not think or feel. There are large lessons to be learned by this endeavor.

Failings are the root of living a day just one.

I walked for 30 minutes today by the "duck pond" an anomalie in Midland. Ironically that at a brisk pace for 4 times around. Odd it is being around here since 1999, and now being so weak and compromised due to health that walking, becomes a measure of strength.

Can I get out? Can I let go finally? Will I deny the truth, or accept that this is the insane asylum (Midland) and those that tell me otherwise are purely insane?

Peace out!

Proverbial Karen G.

...Midland sky warped views....

...my Midland sky...

...More sky...with effects

"Inside the AnGeL": ...Midland sky....

"Inside the AnGeL": ...Midland sky....

...Midland sky....

...Planet 8...

Tethered
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
August 14th, 2006

Hitch up your pants, draw together the snap, pull up your fly, and eradicate
The lost village, seeking refuge inside that mind of endless "dream," you encourage
Children to flock about your grassy shrine, (a lawn), and visit your childhood
They take the treats and run away; if you open your bank account they will count
Out your dollar bills, not buy penny candy (as you did in your day,) but call the
Crack dealer (cell phone), the technology of emotions is alive, dwelling deep
In your male instinct--"how could it be" (how could it not), and the bee hive is

Swarming with cross fire, the poison stingers emerge
Biting without vindication, you have entered their home
Threatened them with your live status, your human
Conscience, and whatever dreams die, pegged down like

The circus tent you live in; the formal surroundings, neat--clean, organized do
Not tell the honest truth--confusion abounds in your head, up and down that
Seesaw flies, and you are pounced off the high end, and topple, fall with a slam
Knocking the breath out of you, eyes water (men don't cry) and you wipe them
Dry--she left because there was another man (or two) and her pre menopausal image
Scares her scarred mirror, relieves her anxiety to believe the lie, in another

Not YOU, for you are history relived and proudly you
Walk with firm steps, pre-honest thoughts leading to
"Sometimes honest" actions, even though the children
Surround you seeking someone you are not, you give in...

Candy cane toilet bowl, filled to the brim, this crack house is empty, and your
First try laid you down for a night--"did you fuck your brains out" and feeling
For that limp member between your legs you think "no I would recall" and a
Desolation strikes your heart, the pain in a chest of anxiety reigning terror
Reminds you that this drug is addictive, and you must fight to the end and take
Your bowl of fake cherries, off the clear glass coffee table, mend that shirt

Take the dog for a walk, forget that this West Texas
DESERT plain is less than enticing, that culture exists
Some 2,000 miles away, and the life chosen was only a
Gamble, a day at a time, and you stop DEAD, cry broken tears

Defend, the bitter end, join hands with the children, "ring around the rosey"
WE ALL FALL DOWN, "I" has died, your two ton testicles drop a notch, and
The mirror counts your years one by one until they are journeled, expressed
You are the beautiful man hiding behind the youth of the 70's, the artic chill
Is climbing up your right leg, and FROZEN in today is your destiny, lace upon
Your cheek, her breasts touch you there, and forever you want more, endless pain

"I love you" she says
(What does she really mean)
"Honey I do..."
Give in, this man is on Planet 8...

reading while falling: Sanayeh Park

reading while falling: Sanayeh Park

...I cannot love....

To Test
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky George BS,RN
August 13th, 2006

Anxiety plies me, sweat seeping in tiny bubbles, my forehead
Saturated with a taste of salty brine, no sailor here propped on a
Wooden high back chair, smells of stale coffee, dust tracked in from
The desert plain, vestige of adobe thought, the paper sits white, bare
No words escape to pen, my hand trembles, emptiness like a thin
Balloon pops, and a flood of rain appears, the voice foreign to all
Not you, cries out, "to test me like this"
Walking in a day early, seeing me here in
Bed with yet another man, wanton whore am
I (is she) stripped bare, the smell of sex like
Thick garlic, deep acts of intimacy still appear like fleeting fire flies
The night so still, your face turned to paste--fear fills me a first time
Never to come again (like this), HOME (is where the heart is) and
You LEAVE, (he does too out the back gate), and the dog wags her
Old tail, harboring no hate--the test of time grades me downward
I cannot be of faith (to you), "I love you" means at best an attempt
To be a wife, a friend, a part time lover, for my
Need is so great it fills volumes, and Romeo is
Like weak tea, not big enough, HARD enough
Strong enough in spiritual grace to hold me
Here, take it back (the key) my suitcases are lighter, years of
Running from so many has lightened the load, this stray blonde
Wisp of golden hair has been touched by the devil, and the virgin
Angel you carried over the threshold, a mere figment of a lost mind
(Yours) and there is a ride waiting, destination unplanned this time
My lips yearn yours (take a memory) and photograph you asleep...

Pale pink negligee, now worn out--the touch of breasts, removes
The innocence of first night--laughing we held hands, sat prim beside
The white picket fence, dry air caressing our faces, as anxious lips
Touched--a thousand volts of electricity soared within our chemistry
We became ONE (so you thought), and the gold wedding band
Circle of grace broke evenly in my mind, bizarre, sick I prefer
The dirty act of sexual violence, anyone will do
Sounds of primal anger, flirting with bodies fighting
For one gasp of air (yes in our bed), and lips
Bruised from drowning kisses, furtive beginnings
Repeated sexual acts, performed in all ways, but without love remind
YOU that I was struck down years before we met, and given the
Vision that allows lust to climb higher than love, when the sun
Sets my courage spurs further adventure and tonight is not a test
It is homework, do not gaze at me in disbelief, there is no one man
Who can afford the pain of loving me, here, wear this banner upon
Your chest, your tears are not real, but planned
Trust is never here within me, so how could you
Blame me, you were not due home tonight and
Yet it is easier for me to skip at age seven years
Down the path waving good bye, whether I got to school or play
Games beside the railroad track, or desire what I will never speak
Forgive me this one failure, my average is better as time goes by
It is you I love, and you have left me to leave you, given me cause
Texas divorce is fast, eight weeks, "all done" and you might find
A stupid maiden who will lie to you, and spread her wings, celibate...

To test is a failure
You found me here a day early
Pray tell, you came too late...

...Stench of airwaves...

Vapid Air Wave (the stench can kill....)
Vapid Air Wave
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
June 15th, 2006


Somewhere a cocker spaniel slobbered, and the drool caused me to vomit
Thinking he might lick my hand, leaving behind a trail of ooze that I might
Recall even after scrubbing my hands vigorously, and treading away into the
Dead of night alone, for isolation is my play mate, and the children in your
Sandbox destroyed the mood by their garish cries, muffled by their mother's
Disciplining them with verbal assault, that little boy escaped and ran away
He is now grown, hanging on a street corner, acting as if
The sunlight does not fade his shirt, unwashed face, a stubble
Growing on his chin, and the youth of this generation lacks
Dexterity to read the book written upon the clouds, and say
"I am back to do this right" who cares, it becomes clear, and loud that the
Greatest waste of mankind is concern over the end result of the means, and
Giving birth is a physical act of violence, the train stops here, and if you sneak
In the toilet, and the bell clangs, and the conductor is short staffed, you might
Ride for free, and end up in another town, where your face and presence
Might give you away, and when you lose that last job, and the flop house
Door slams behind you, there is nowhere left to go but here
Spread out in the green meadow on a bright spring day, a
Random Easter egg is found rotting from years of stagnant
Inertia, behind the poplar tree, the smell again nauseates me
A beating heart stops and goes, in rhythm, how many out there have the
Exact chorus pounding in their chest, and have lost the innocence of the
Purest child, the memory gone, burned out by the acid test, and today's
Headlines proclaim that the clock will strike one, each day, and the life
Lived is truly gone, washed down the sewer drain, and someday they might
Find your remains like that Easter egg, behind some other garbage, waiting...

Hope is a constipated wish of the innately stupid, to think that perhaps another
Can guide them to the cherry tree, where they might rest, and sit eating fruit
That is sweet, but sticky, and that field mice are safe, and snakes only wiggle
Past to wave hello, be it so that if you cannot find a smiling face down there
In the large city to the left, then you can remain alone, pillaging and eating
From garbage cans, a scavenger you become by default, and that nasty drunk
Laying in the gutter smelling of strong urine is your friend
It might be time to travel back to the east coast and recall
The past before you die, journal and log as a historian the
Events without emotion, and say good bye to the fruit of your
Womb, who are now graced with their nightmares of living a day to day life
Making a living, being with men who are degraders, pulling their red wagon
Down to the railroad tracks thinking they might enter a freight car, and find
A new way to live just down the road, a town where old men sit on barrels
Outside the country store, do not raise a hand to hit a woman or child
Make due on the labor of one crop a year, eat eggs, and belt a drink one time
Not daily, and never drink pop from a can, but sip a cold soda
From a straw, and know that an ice cream cone is a treat
That air conditioning does not cool you down, but that
When the sun goes down, the day ends, and rest comes
I am pushing myself backward into the cave, the world I know best, where
No one enters, walks, breathes or comes without invitation, and the ugly
Part can thrive openly, howl at the moon, and be sheltered by the walls
Wet soil, a trickle of stream enters, the smell is one you must get used to
Drowning is not an option, and somewhere a baby cries, another life born
Death seems a glory, HE never turns against me, but I against HE, God is here...

Ten tear drops fall, one touches my lips
The taste of salt new, unfeeling am I but then
Why do the tears fall like rain, and I see that always
I am alone, deep within me...

..Armpit of America (Louisiana)...

Piss Pot
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
June 15th, 2006

Driving past the children, playing by that swamp, the armpit of America reeks
Hurricane publicity sent them running, with assistance to states far and wide
For the first time they ate regular meals, felt air conditioning on their sticky
Dry, and damaged skin, for being born in a shack, in New Orleans where spells
Sex, and poverty, rage like the stinking sulfur smell in Seacaucus, New Jersey
Makes your wealth pass the millions, and your knowledge of the alphabet
A doctorate in life, they run and fan like flames, children were
Raped during the storm by their own kind, is incest the new
Means of procreation, is this now West Virginia, can you hop
On Daddy's knee, take a toke off his corn cob pipe, and then
Pull your white cotton panties off, as he shows you his sausage, which is ugly
Hurts, and sears that virginal flesh to smithereens, how many children were
Conceived during the latest legacy of poverty, stench, and wicked life beyond
The bayou, and the wealthy poured into Baton Rouge demanding the best
Begging for mercy, some say God speaks in actions, so we see the end of sin
There in the deep south, where children are born with whiskey in their bottle
They talk funny, eat spicy food, drink bourbon like water, and do
Odd things, men with men, women with women, and never could I
Put that apron about my waist, and sit quietly while you drove out
On a Saturday night to get loaded, expecting me to be there silent
I hate the railroad tracks, the look of sour stomachs in the eyes of middle
Aged men who push a "buggy" at the grocery store for their fat wives seeping
Cellulite from worn out thighs, and somehow by the age of 25 they are dying
The pollution is strong, the rate of cancer high, and the only alligator left went
To Florida where the wages are higher, and a day's work is paid, the power goes
Out when it drizzles, and the rain is coming day in and day out, this the jungle...

Right now I am ending bad beginnings, no longer do I run away, but face the
Pictures lined up in my mind, days that were not happy, times that were filled
With fear, people I do not know to this day, but lived with due to situations
Beyond the scope of justice, the theft and rape of material wealth is but one
Crime, the taking of children from their mother the worst, and making them
Believe the LIE the ultimate sin, it is clear I will not see their father where I go
No day will come when my heart will love again, there is only
Myself staring at God (face to face) knowing now after all this
Time I trust HIM 100%, and the rest of mankind is no better than
Poverty level morons begging for a crumb and a free ride from
The gates of hell they built, the years of sin, sex, and theft of being, and today
My mind is on the existential plain, the long and flat highway of self conceit, and
Rather live within me, then outside with you, so take your cell phone and bury
It deep in your pants pocket, let the battery die, and with that the thought of me
Burrowed deep in that heart a memory of a woman you cannot have
Know she is gone, she died last night, and was absorbed by one sole star
A million light years away, and yes the moon is made of green cheese
Pestilence has grown and today's vipers are diseases like HIV, Hepatitis
The earth is no longer fertile, and the fetid breath of a stinking
Warlock from Mars is your chant of love, marriage, and happiness
Go fuck yourself, with your uncircumcised member, tucked into those dirty jeans
Forget to shave for three or four days, and let the grease of your skin mix
With the sweat of your daily toil, when you awaken on caked sheets, spent with
Human death, then you will know the animal you are (and I cannot be) and the
Woman spinning off in her German sports car at 150 mph has won the race
Shifting into sixth (the black cloud descends) and time has told the tale....

Take your million in dirt, and call it wealth
Take the green from your burgeoning bank account
To a hole out back near the swamp, for I dare you to
Jump in the quicksand, and sink, back where you belong
I love you, now good bye...

...for those who came from within my womb...

Wrapped Weeds
for my children...
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
June 19th, 2006

The tower collided with the shopping cart, and the bags of wasted leisure fell and
Splattered like old paint left in an open can, colors of timid furor lay on the hot
Concrete, and the asphalt bubbled BLACK in the summer death watch, and the steam
Settled, spread, and lifted to the sky, there is no peace at the end, and the time has
Come to rid your garden of the weeds, which are wrapping about my throat like
Indonesian cheap rope, spliced and irritating to touch, you did not know it but
Gone is my good bye, the words of refuge, and hate
Tonight the stars will twinkle in a new sky that is eased of
My tears, hurt, and hardship--the loss of the children is their
Ending, and their patriarch is going to watch their faces fall
Like snowflakes in the desert, "they" melt and never fail to question him-- no answer
He sunk the ship, and drowning without a life preserver, he lived a LIE of hate
The men around him laughed at his cheap antics, and the women of prestige scorned
His advances for he never meant a thing, to anyone, but the Creator, took the
Gift and attempted to suffocate his wife, children, and reap the gains of emptiness now
Let him see the rosebush bloom and die, to remember the years of life destroyed
There is no prison dark enough for his seclusion or
No house big enough for him to live, there is no refrigerator
Filled with food for his starvation, or a lake bearing fish for him
To catch, there is no beginning for the ending, for the weeds thrive
Flourish, and wrap around his neck, and the cow waddling in the pasture is a soft
Reminder of a promise made, that simple life, "till death do us part" that statement
Of faith, trust, and eternal love now empty of it's vow, and the church bells are
Ringing on a day I will never see, the prayers are spoken in reverence by faces
Mouths and eyes, that do not mean "I love you" and live this life, in care, just a strong
Word of truth, it all is gone, and the ice cream truck slowly passes, this hot summer day...

The phone rings, no answer, a prison cell locks, why do they all give up when
Two strong legs hold their form solid on God's ground, why do they take a life
Meant to live, escape a promise made, educate themselves in revulsion, and miss the
Gentle first kiss of new love, and respect is just a four letter word written in
Graffiti on a crack house wall, then fuck yourself first, before others, for the day will
Come when oatmeal is not nutrition, a mother's touch is long gone, she is dead
Give birth again and again, until the clock strikes and you are
Tired of nursing babies at the breast, and that man next to you
Is a pall bearer at a funeral (it could be yours), and sex is just
Like taking a leak, not even slow, relaxed, and kind, brutal ending
Rape is not just generic for all that is pure, simple, and white as new snow, it is ending
For the foot steps have pierced your body laying lifeless on the floor, a plow horse
Is better treated, and knows less pain than a man crying for his lost love at the end of
A half year wait (she is gone today), and tomorrow's sunset is the end of a day
O ne less person in bondage on this earth so small, and the cab fare from the hospital
Was reasonable, but the emptiness of being without a friend is eternal, a burning flame
Dress carefully for you might be on view by many for even
A pauper's grave draws attraction when reality sets in and then
Word of mouth brings those you did not expect to lead the way
Down this violet path to wave good bye, say "she was my friend"
Giant LIES fill this swimming pool behind the millionaire's home, like ice cubes sitting
Unable to melt, bodies of human life are easily seen this last night, intolerable waste
The "if only's" have ended, and a single poem remains written by a Greek man with
Vision (George Seferis) and the olive branch is not fragrant to those who cannot see
The truth, out beyond the last sea of salt, somewhere in a valley of strangers, there is
No more pain, there is a plan made, and to start the engine and drive away leaves

Ample grass in your back yard
Laughter from a female child's mouth as she
Splashes in the pool, suntanned, happy and then she
Cries out "Mommy I love you..."
Those words escape me for I am finally dead...

...Grape....

Popsicle Girl
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BS,RN
July 2nd, 2006

The paper, it is sticky, white, letters muted, like the sound of a freight train in the
Distance, pushing over hot rails to a distant plain, a powerful meadow in the north of
France, or even in Western Pennsylvania, if it were not for the way you are when you
Are born, somewhere (anywhere) then familiar answers, places, and smells, will
Not assault your senses, drop the rational solution for a problem nonexistent; you
Drip as it melts, you slide onto skin, a greedy tongue hungry for cold, you are
Hungry for the base instinct, satiated easily, but for a moment
By a taste of orange, grape, synthetic cherry, and the flavors are
Telling you slow down, relax, and let me come within you, like a
Man comes to take his bride, in days of old, the history book slams
Shut the door; it opens, and you are home (again), dark hair sending a rush of dark
Memory, sexual pleasure, laughter in the morning, or late at night when the television
Tempts our eyes, but warm (then hot) skin demands our attention, and we give in to
See who will win the battle of sensual output, you have challenged me on all levels
Do you remember the first night you kissed me, and the stars dropped from that
Black velvet sky like rain, inside my heart which was beating in straight time, in you...
French toast at ten at night, is sweeter than breakfast, no coffee to
Wash it down, we drink Coke with lemon and lots of ice, it is amazing
You remember the small happiness we share, now slip off your shoes
The stickers on the West Texas plain will not penetrate our feet, and
We can walk hand in hand in this dry, soothing breeze, fluttering upon our skin to
Encourage the emotions you asked me to give, that you saw building like a torrential
Rain deep in my heart, the first time you went, the geyser blew, I swore I could never
Love again, yet I was in awe of the truth (yes I do love him) and yet the lies of our
WEAKNESS burned our hearts, like singed war songs in a Gothic battle, before our
Birth, do you remember we were given forever in marriage, until death do us part?

May I have this pearl tipped cane, the handle intrigues me, it is glamorous and yet
Sensually appealing, now it is mine, and I hold the handle, walk a few steps and see
A woman in the mirror unable to stand, she is gentle in spirit, and her eyes reach out
To touch my soul, and the pain is deep blue, with black flecks where death has crept
In deep, (so very deep), and the penetration is too severe, "who is this" I exclaim, and
Your loving eyes fill me with sympathy, in moments the cane is broken into a thousand
Wood shard pieces, and the mirror is cracked and foreign
Looking as if a bomb hit, and the vision remains of ANGER
Revulsion, disgust of inadequacy, and you are murmuring
My name "Honey don't, Karen come back" and she is gone
Running ten miles a day it is 1985, she is pounding the grey cement sidewalks in the
Winter in New Jersey, the cold steam billows from her nostrils, she is FREE of the
House, the wifely duties for her 55 minutes of self hell, battling the muscles, all body
Fat wasted, she is lean, sinewy like an athlete trained (and she is) for the marathon
Collapsed at the end, on the pavement, her husband picks her up muttering in his
Unhappy voice as he is forced (on a Sunday) to spend the morning in the emergency
Room somewhere years away it began, never ended, and the
Purging of mankind from her brutalized soul was constan,t she
Bore down giving emotional birth to a perfusion of wants, needs
Never emotions or desires, piling logs of patience on a slow burning
Fire, deep in her heart, where she remains isolated, alone, and PAIN is just a four letter
Word (like FUCK), and when she finds she can stand up, face the unusual music
Blaring from some Indian radio station in Istanbul, she might accept, no matter how
Far she travels, she is here, painting with airbrush strokes, the platitudes of the
Nothingness built in empty blocks upon her life, which towers like a ten story building
Looming in angst, "you are not here Luke where can you be" and the clock strikes ten...

Dramatic romance, women in ball gowns tiptoe gently down the stairs of a castle
There is a king, a young prince, and maidens freshly scrubbed, their faces powdered
In white, deep eyes of violet, some brown, and one with deep blue, cascade like
Tear drops the ball room night, and the manly scent of cold night air assails them
Fragile ladies in waiting, can faint at the slightest inconvenience, and the wanton whore
Remains within their spirit, waiting for the wedding night where virginity ends that one
Dark drop of blood entitles them to a legacy, giving birth
To the next prince or princess, being held at distance by a
Man willing to get down and dirty in a hovel with a big breasted
Wench who reeks of stale beer, the sperm of many to taste
On her tongue in twilight kiss, who would think to accept this, but the primal instinct
Remains the driving force of all people who populate the earth today; the original sin
Placated, downgraded, ignored, and compensated for, when we read the Word do we
Live the outcome, or hear HIS sweet voice in love guiding us onward to the end where
Everlasting life can occur, simple stair steps to heaven, transition from earth to life
You can lay down beside me, you will never be still until you touch, taste, have me
Take that elementary bank book, this stationary rental home, and the
Imaginary river, build that large, cold mountain; climb it until your calf
Muscles burn in pain, attempt to reach the top (without me) and then
Your eyes go blind, and the salt of your tears are like battery acid
Go now, find this truth, eat simply and do not close your eyes again, for God has
Spoken firmly telling us the next right behavior, and now my trembling heart bleeds
For you, lost among three thousand maniac men, you never were a criminal, and
Life beckons us "come forth" and I get in the car, shift into gear, bear down on the
Gas peddle, and soar with intent down the highway of our discontent, floating
Surreally, with great beauty, upon the bed, where I wait for you to enter, me, again...

Be not of little faith, but strong heart
Allow yourself to enter for the doorway
Is hidden, and the key will not fit this lock
Ever again, I love you now, be still...