Good bye Heart

Wasted Time
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Thursday October 25th, 2007


Sitting in filth, stench, you feel the same, what I see in front of me is
Hardly ten years old, but lost, gone, free from me; she is so bold
Wondering in platitudes, circles, embryo broken shell, she hops, skips
Trips (to fall down), stands and looks around (Mommy), and that funny
Mean faced man stares her down (get up), she remembers the love
Silly girl, come to me (a hug), "are you ok" (scraped knee), a kiss

Oh I miss (the kiss), your warmth (toaster oven)
Your pudgy hand (in mine) holding on (yes I too)
Pretty face, reflects, and constantly checks to see
"Where has Mommy gone" I am here, I am here, I am

Finding you grown up, my heart and soul, do you think, or even fear
I won't love you just as you are, don't ever scare, there is no beauty
Subtle rose, scent of spring, magnolia trees; you are the one that God
Gave me, my miracle child you grew within, I watched your heart beat
One day again I feel you close (I withdraw) don't take her away, never
Again for she is special (my little friend), and I know "I love you today."

Do not think in ten long years my smile or face could
Mask those tears, I burned inside, a pain of loss, but never
Stopped the hope, that ray of sunshine forever shine as your
Biggest blue eyes climbed deep, so very deep, right into mine

Tell me this if you don't mind, if you are happy why want to die, why
Look in the mirror betray our way, why look to lies, and walk away for
I cannot tell you on here or there, the deepest love we alone can share
How to heal, to rectify; to make a promise out of all those lies, I can
Hold you on one sad Tuesday, sit with you exhausted (and your sister)
But what I want is to cry, to make it go away (all those lies) deny me this?

I did not come to this dirty town, with cruel and insane robots
To hang around, the air is fetid, the world is bare, there are
Brown bag drunks beneath bridges, I won't see it anywhere
Don't expect me to hang around, to feel rejected, to go down

You tell me all I miss has gone away, you are used to the abuse, is this all
You have to say; months ago you begged for me (again and again) and he
Smacked your heart right in the face, despite your plea, how is it Patty I
Understand, knew all you hid inside without your hand, inside of mine holding
Tight, how is it I knew each cold, dark night; that you love this, and hate that
After ten years how could I have ESP or mind read all, deny me you, deny that

You cannot answer two simple questions, does part of you want to say
"Just go away Mom I'll pretend you never came," and the way I am
Who can play, this journey made this loving heart, will never stop this
Love if we do part, will you email me, call me one time, will you cry

The beauty of sunrise, and a clear dark sky, the miracle of your birth, not to die
The years from beginning till now add higher still, do you realize that time won't
Stop dear heart, when I turn away, drive and cry, this last time, the highest hill
One day in anger the fear will end, but I won't be there for my baby girl, the one
Who sat to study with me (my dearest friend), you'll be sad memory in my dying
Heart, what I wanted to give tossed away, so do we part, this broken, dead heart

The time wasted ends
Begins, turns, and bends
Please never cry, when I go
Dear God I tried, to YOU I know
Goes all the love, make her happy
Let me know, now, it's time to go...