Patty you must do this, not me...

Unfair
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 19, 2007


Hard labor, leg chains, beaten with omission, the warden released me early
In this state, the "death watch" is enough so broken, bleeding, covered with regret
I stumble out the gates, the sunlight eats me alive (like moth holes deeper) and
The trudge begins, why put the chains about me again, I am not the prisoner
The wrongly accused the bitter little tin man farts, his stick legs break, and he falls
Back into the hole he created, and I laugh, the burden of proof undone, gone, hello!

My play dough test tank bumps over desert dirt
No cactus, no sand, but coyote holes and remnants
A bone or two left behind polished snow white in the
Hot sun, the sun stays up until eleven at night in summer

Heat, it is hot, you are boiling over like salt water for pasta, rippling first then
Steaming, evaporating bit by bit, if you do not do it soon there will be nothing
Left, I did not turn the heat up, ignore the flame, go off (in my head) to obey
Everyday people who have no clue I am scared to death of what I need, love
Believe in, can't I be ten years old now and wait for someone to YELL at me
"Patty do this Patty did you hear me Patty go to your room" she won't budge

My God she drives alone, she is truly my mother but
More of her, she is more, bigger, taller, but smaller in form
Her laughter is full, she speaks her total mind, my eyes
Search her (like hunger I seek nourishment) and I feel her

Where is she when he does this, I cannot believe she left me behind, I am
Sorry she abandoned me, he is acting out a part in a play, we are all listening
He is covering the screams, our tears, our broken hearts with new lies, and
We are standing in quicksand together holding hands, some of us nod "yes"
We decide he won't probe, dig, dive into our deepest feelings if we pretend
To go along with the lie, it is Christmas the tree is dead, where is Momma

She is sitting alone with an old doggie, the pilot went to his family
It is snowing, blowing, she looks pretty and a weight descends in her
Chest, her "little girl" is so alone, and she puts the dog in her car
Drives to McDonalds for dinner, it is stale, they eat alone, a doggie

His stinking whore leaves behind pubic hair in the tub, we have to clean it up
"Do chores" and she can't see her kids, "what did Momma do so bad" and
He spins his web, his lie he says "your mother does not even pay a dime"
He gets over sixty thousand dollars in ONE year from Momma's disability fund
He goes to court, he lives in court tells the judge "she does not pay" and the
Judge is paid by another LIE (Nanny), and the sperm donor goes for child support

She cries now every time she calls, I know in my heart she means it
I cannot escape I tell her "it's ok Mom we'll be together when I'm 18"
One time my sister takes me for a walk, we jump in the car and
There is my Momma we hold on tight, I did not know I love her but

She left that day with a huge reality, it cut her like a big butcher knife, she bled
Deeper than the living can bleed, she counted the time until "I'm 18" and could
Not stand it another day, if it were not for that funny looking man getting her to
The airport back to that big strong man in the bayou who kept telling her year after
Year "Karen the kids will hurt you you'll see" she would have died, she left that
Afternoon and could not stop crying, I did not know, it's not my fault right?

My sister is sick, pregnant, they are moving in the house something
Is wrong, and the whore keeps beating us emotionally saying we will
"End up just like our mother" and my sister shoves her up the wall and
Screams "You don't know our mother and leave my little sister alone!'

He makes her move out (relief) but now he cannot pillage, rape, and abuse her
Behind that bedroom door where Momma's gifts, letters, and love are locked in
A huge box, we do not know (why is Momma not writing, calling) we know he
Thinks he is in Watergate, wiretapping the phone calls, I cannot even shit
Anymore it is like he is up my fucking ass prying the crap out of me the fuck
Not me (I am) sweet Peca, no one but no one can go with me, MOMMY MOMMY

I am screaming no one hears me, I am dying day by day and
No one can help me, they say I look like her and sound like her
Where is she why won't she save me, doesn't she know, he says
She is a fucking whore on crack, not my Momma, is it so, is it?

His whore is worn out, she pretends men are chasing her, she acts as if she's hot
Plucked chicken, jealous old woman, he won't marry her he asked us if we'd mind
I cried and cried and he stopped asking (am I finally in control of this horror story)
Momma does not call me anymore, my sister nearly died and the baby is weak, and
They plot to move out, they do not have the money, then one day they are packed
Up, they are leaving (don't leave me Jenny please stay please) I hug them good bye

He sells the house, he is looking pale, he gets a letter stating he
Must pay back eighty thousand dollars plus interest for forging
Paperwork on Mrs. Karen George, he plots deeply and then cries
Nanny hates the whore, she won't pay up, we are moving, going

My house is empty, this house is odd and he buys new furniture I am hiding my
Momma deeper in my heart for I am unsafe here, do not like it here, and I am seeing
The LIE eating him up, devouring him but I am a child, (leave me alone), and angry
Do not see I am purging it out, looking for my mother she will purify me, sit me up
On her lap and hug me, rock me, oh she loves to love me, kiss my forehead each
Night only then can I sleep, sometimes I wake up and she is not there, I cry and cry

I am old enough but beaten down, he modified me like a Skinnerian rat
The bell goes off and I respond, he does not know I will die soon and
He and his whore can go fuck off, I will find Momma when I go
Momma are you here I am coming Momma I need you

Over and over I will ask at measured months "I want to see Mom" and he lies
Feeding his fat lie, he trips up, we hear contradictions but we all want to be free
Soon we see he is stalking us when we leave, where can we escape he will be
Following he is a pitiful old goat, but he won't leave us alone, I ask my sisters
"How is Mom" and they quickly and too fast answer "She is good, she is ok"
They change the topic, he taught them that lie, they LIE too, she is not good

There she is, I am in her arms searching, digging, hiding in her scent
She is holding me afraid she might squeeze me too hard (never) and we
Cry but the tears are joyful, fresh, spring rain, and behind me is my
Sister dropping tears of happiness, but we still answer to the WARDEN

We are prisoners, Momma wants me free, she offers me solace, a life out there
I realize I am living within my inner self (alone) and the fear, anxiety, and weak spot
Is a choice, do I leave myself in there and go out there, do I struggle to find my
Momma each day, will she die tomorrow or live forever, can I even ask this from God
I am spinning in circles, sleep fitfully having dreams of truth, she is waiting but not
Patient, she tells me "no I have waited ten long years come home come to me"

The first week after I see her she says there is no reason to be here
If she is harming her family she will go "home" to Texas and three
Sisters plot and fight it but none of us, not one can do right by her
Accept the truth that she fought harder, longer, and near died trying

I make excuses, see people I can see anytime, not realize that each day I avoid
Her I cut her heart, she bleeds, I come out to the real world each day, testing the
Ground (it is hard I can stand up) but it is noisy, people are laughing and happy,
They do not answer to an old warden swinging his keys, slamming my peaceful
Moments with his raspy high pitched voice, staring at me with hatred, Momma tells
Me abusers are frightened, filled with fear, they are weak, she opens her arms

Unfair it is not fair, Momma waits for me each day, she is human
Has some life outside of us, but she came here almost dead to give
Me peace and make sure my sister had medical help she is strong
We think she is so strong she can live another ten years with one visit

We are wrong, we are wrong, we are making a mistake, and that old man is
Rotting in his lie (it is not our fault) and my therapist is so proud that I saw her
Was I supposed to see her again, is this a test, did I get an "A" will I pass
She tells me now I have many decisions to make, I think I am safe now knowing
Momma loves me, but why is Momma crying, shaking her head feeling as if
I don't love her (I do) now I see she won't come in this world, she is free

I am spinning, laughing, running outside to play and she is
There waiting, smiling, giggling with me, we make animal sounds
We lay down, take a nap, eat dinner, take a bath and
I sleep like an angel, someone took my life, stole my mother

I heard my voice screaming in a court room "Mommy no"
She is on the floor but not asleep
The silent scream scares me
"Momma can you hear me?"
She won't get up, where is she?
I should go now, see her now
I am afraid "God please help me"
She holds me close, "hold me closer"
"I love you Patty it is time to go..."