I do not want to leave you...so...

Love in a Bucket
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 7, 2007


It is not fall, the wind stopped, the air humid, thick, pollen sifts in and out
Hazy, unhappy droopy people, unclean they cannot smile (today), the church bell
Rings somewhere nice, mid west town, some children dressed up, shiny faces
Clean stand waiting to go to Sunday School, and their parents slept last night
Not drunk, cheating, but together they are happy and calm, I envy you I scream
Silent monotone here, muted, my voice is lead, and low; they can't hear me

Storm brewing the sky was gray, some spattered rain drops
Then nothing (again), the people know they are miserable
Repeating footsteps, hidden titty bars, drunken men, petulant
Whores underage, and women grow old crying in a pillow

I hate the day it changed (for you and me), it was summer, I did not know
West Texas heat where there is no humidity and energy flows through your body
Where one hundred year old ladies push their grocery carts and live to speak
In sweet sounds, they coo, and laugh, they love, and the sky is of God it is
Always infinite, never ending, lovers laugh and hold hands, and they are
Millionaires inside their soul, they dance together, sleep in peace, I love them

I've flown around, back and forth, to and from, in and out
Learned to cat nap, catch rest, stay awake for days, I learned
To be safe, to trust those people in West Texas to keep me
From harm, from the hurt back here, from the hate, from abuse

Don't believe your sister, she loved all of Texas, from Houston to Austin to
Midland which is my home, if I die tomorrow in this fetid, piss smelling town of
Richmond, Virginia then I won't know anyhow, can't complain one more day of the
Months spent trying to help one sister get medical help, waiting to hold one sister
Who lives the right way, and to re-unite with a sweet pea girl, in ribbons and bows
Oh you grew real tall, but you never stopped opening the front door, seeing me

Every court appearance until they did not tell me of one
Then two, you were not there, he hid you away
You wanted to come, to see me, I did not know he
Taped our talks and knew what we wanted, needed

Somewhere far away, told so many lies you stopped listening (thank you)
Crying little girl tears when we could not snuggle, take a nap, shop, or greet our
Day with those special words "I love you with all my heart" and not once did
My heart stop beating right back to yours, even in those anxiety attacks you
Developed when emptiness bit you like a wild bee, hurt you, and your best friend
(Your mother), just wasted away, we could dance alone solo, ten long years gone by

Today you are rearing like a bull, angry (not at me)
Not writing or picking up the phone, no one is too busy
To have and to hold a mother lost ten years and now found
Loving you enough to lift you up, move you with me, here

Why did I keep up a hope within, God helped me through, why did I expect you
To be that part of me, pure and clean, blessed with honesty, why did I cry for years
Walk in circles, resist love from those who know me well, why are you hiding from
Me in your vacuum, unsafe anyhow, why deny the good in a world gone mad
Participate as if you know what he can or will do next, you can say NO today
Make my heart full with your smile, it is for the best, a mother knows best...

Worry is not something my body handles and pain
Results as I wait for you to become some perfect
Example of good in that sick world of the insane
One day (with or without me) you will want what I gave

One day you will laugh, I hope not cry, for I love you so, want to spend these
Moments happy, giving you all I learned, and how to be you, just you
If you resist, run away, and come back do not blame me if I could not live
Forever (except in your heart) or the trees do not turn with fall leaves in this
Dirty town, or the crime rate rises, or the man you marry learns to abuse you
For we marry at times that which raised us, you were so sweet to me pea

I won't take the pain, there is a better way
If my last days spent are gazing out on the desert plain
I'll miss you anyhow, I'll love you to the end for you see
I am your mother, I am, she is me, Karen, I am...

You should have come (I did) sweet pea
We can laugh (live) not die
See, I can't wave good bye but
I won't die, feel me cry, sweet pea...