No Ice in this Heart of Mine...

My Artic Reef
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Saturday October 27th, 2007

Here the ice water is filling me, telling me get out, you will sink like a dead weight
Petulant rock you are, blonde hair flowing behind, skin pale, eyes glazed in frozen
Sea blue (where oh where), little girl big girl (you oh you), singing sips and drabs of
Her song, this is no nursery rhyme anymore, let the beat fill you up, the heat spreads
Becomes vapor as it touches your icy form, you are solid, immobile, do not dance
AnGeLinTranCe do not move, it is too late, alarm clock on, then off, slowly sinking

Drinking in sighs and happy tears you believe
She is coming, you sit vigilant on the mountain top
Warrior stance again, never to sleep (is she a dream)
Silence is deafening, louder, that scream, is coming from

Deeper than your blackest abyss, there is a mile marker pointing downward will you
Skip past it, will fear rattle you, shake you (break you bitch), and there are tiny
Pebbles you try to grasp with toes gripping so hard, beads of sweat wet firm and
You freeze again, there is a snowstorm childhood dream, red parka, wooly hat
Red cheeks flaring for all to see, your beauty, your pain is deep, can they truly
"See me do you fucking see me do you SEE?!" deeper, sinking, unconscious

Now there is a mask, who is that man beating me
Slamming me, fist to face, fist to ribs, fist to stomach
Virgin blood drips beyond this snow white lace between
My legs (I am dead I am dead) his dick rapes, sodomize me

Little girl I love you so, look at you (is it me) so beautiful outside, inside, all sides
If I knew you would wave good bye, turn around, run to the prisoner, then I'd never
Hurt as I do now, you grew within me; nourished by light, I heard your voice before
You pounded your way out to this soggy world, wiped clean, laid upon my belly
Baby fist, hands open and close, those fingers etched in my heart, one by one
Yours to mine, mine to yours (we are one), we are one, let me know if really

You know I love you so, do you really know that I
Love you so, do you know, I know I love you so
Techno beat connecting me cell phone light speaks
"Patty, Patty my heart" she is here calling me, yes me

Children all over love me, know me, they are not mine but see in my eyes that I am
Far from this Artic freeze, far from this frozen block of ice, far from what you were led
To believe a LIE is not me, a hateful burning rotten egg man, perhaps he is not quite
Sane, and his yellow eyes are maggot flavored ring worm size, pin headed, bowel
Bloated retching mad man (I don't love you never did), you found me with another
Snatched me up, I was so young, tender but strong, so pretty I, am just a butter cup

Dancer I all night long, earning my applause, my following, I know
Your right from your wrong, you play a guitar, drink stench cream scotch
Your mother padlocks her bedroom door at night, your father is a bot
Brother insane, drunk, his brain too large for his thought I am not of you

Years go by and threads rip and tear from this tattered coat, it is too cold here and
Hitch hiking back (Jersey who cares) a truck stops we jump in (Molly and I) and
We can go south, or west (to Ohio) we do not care for college is a choice and our
Parents never in our young lives heard (that voice deeper than life) and the will, the
Truth the way had nowhere a roadmap to this life of sadness, scholarship girl don't go
Don't marry that sad abuser, (go, I said go), and now I land in this Artic clime, alone

I am farther away then you can find, deeper than your eyes will reach
On a map not written, a continent undefined, you see my love I am the
Only mother you had, past tense (are you happy), I am larger than
Today when you call me little, small, can you say I might die, I live

Longer than sad songs, more rapidly than insects racing in the heat of summer, yet
I too am human, one who suffers such a loss that you drive me down to the depths of
INSANITY, yes you my daughters each of you in your proverbial world that you built
Outside the castle moat (alone inside) and there is no way my hand in love can pull
You back unless I say "yes" I'll come inside, have a cup of coffee, peer into his dead
Red ugly sunken eyes, I will not do this for you, or you, even you, most of all for me

We are digging the warm earth up, planting bright red impatiens beside the
White and purple pansy of my youth, the fragrant roses bless us with futile
Blossoms we are soaring like snow white doves, together we speed like eagles
Our eyes brilliant we have the dexterity of hawks, but we are human, we are

Mother and child, we are friends, we study and laugh, we make sounds, we awaken
Expecting love, we go to sleep at night safe and sound, until the bomb erupted and
The tidal wave came, we sunk and choked on water, our lungs blew out, and when
We came to, you were gone, and I was two thousand miles away walking barefoot
Upon the desert plain, small oil pumps repeatedly bringing up crude, sweet drawling
Texans brought comfort, some sanity, nourished my heart (emotional food) but

I love you this moment in time, please see this deep within my eyes
This time I will hold you (won't ever let you go), come very close
This truth I bestow, just one last time, for you most beautiful child of mine
A princess you are, an angel you will be, the Lord God brought me home

To your heart, careful, step gingerly
Closer, there is no day or night
Not here there is no frozen ice
Feel my love, absorb it so you
Etch it in your heart this time
Forevermore, forever, more
When will you know all of it
I love you, I love you, so?