I am Here waiting for you sweet P....

Bells Chime
by Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
For Patty
October 3, 2007


I am not worthy, in all my innocence, in all he took from my womb,
My heart is screaming, careening like a mad car out of control, the
Driver flooring the gas pedal, smoke burning out the tail pipe, that
Train goes slow, even now as that looming wall comes to my face
Death is not proud, courage is the bile backing up in my throat
God take this pain, remove this fear, God relieve us both now

Please Lord I can't take anymore, I am on my knees
Begging for YOUR salvation, my tears dry before they fall
I am the lowest and smallest living speck of dirt on earth
Please God take this pain in my heart, her truth speaks

The multitude is singing, the choir on most high is so loud the words
Repeat as if I am stupid, cannot see, that no matter what I say (or do)
She is stuck in a broken long play record in a circular hell that won't
Stop until she sees that my love is to heal and soothe her ravaged
Soul, that her freedom can be obtained at the cost I paid these years
Without a bare dime, fighting for those lives "I am their only mother!"

Sweat pours from me, desensitizes "who" I am, who you
Healed (in me), to turn the corner see them sitting there
They wait, and she smiles her eyes never leaving me once
The guilt of his hate is my responsibility, somehow I am wrong

Bells chime in a church with no name, I enter that old door, and a wise
Priest speaks and the will of the Father washes my inner soil, and for one
Second I know peace, then raging derelict, fuming fiend, raping ravager
Puts vision in my blindness, running away, ashamed to tell you my
Baby girl how poor I have become, and that I came not to die here
(I hate this place) but to say good bye for you are not home, with me

You hurt yourself (I did too), do not know how abuse sifts
Deeper in your beautiful eyes I see this, want to take him down
To his knobby knees, and beat him senseless with the love
God's love, "don't touch this child again!" my voice silent no more

He cannot hurt me but does, just like he hurt all five of you when he
Held my neck and beat me senseless, ripped off my clothes and threw
Me to the front porch naked, door locked, cursed us told us all over and
Over how "we deserved his hate" and I do not give two fucks if he dies
Rots like the rancid road kill he is, but he is hurting you, don't let those
Years away take you now please, listen to your mother cry out to you

"Leave and come to me, just leave and come to me, leave, leave,"
Will I die these words on my mouth, all she is and can be lost
In the abyss this psychotic sperm donor relegated as his bed
No pleasure can be found in the living dead, satanic spawn I spit

On his face as he spit on the face of the mother of his children and
His sweet Jess immune over time, lifted by the spirit totally cleansed
Removed in order she stand on two feet, she grew in fertile soil she
Knew love, gave love, hurt but loved anyhow, I see her behind us as
I hold my baby girl for the first time in forever, and her face is beatific
Two tears fall, her smile lights my heart I cry inside "I love you sweet Jess"

Thank you, I fall lower, thank you, I cannot stand
The cannon explodes, grenades hit me again and again
Thank you, my eyes are closed, thank you, I am alone
You say good bye, I don't have six years, eight years

To wait, what I know to give you is present for this short time for soon
The bells chime in that singular cathedral and the kind priest is blessing
Me, touching my forehead with holy water, chanting in Latin, and I see
Grandpa Dick (my Daddy), he is beckoning again for me to come and
Sit on his knee, this happened one time before when I died with Kimmy
Deep in my womb, just a girl, came back to that heathen husband and

I am telling you these weeks, months perhaps, not a year
An hour may pass and the world may shut down, I am promised
The love and knowledge of Jesus Christ and to sit at the hand
With the Holy Ghost so please little girl, come home, oh please

This gray putrid dawn is so ugly, the wet, pissed upon Richmond air chokes
Me, cannot refresh the glory and love born deep and pried out of ten years
De-program I oh God, de-program Patricia dear Father, take him out of her
Please lift me from the bondage of self so that she might be free I would lay
Down my life and die if it were Your will, my faith is forever in Your hands
Let her come, let me be the mother she needs, I will dry those tears

Gladly, will bleed in pain upon the final bed of death if only
I might relieve her suffering (it is my task oh Father) to be
All I can be, on my knees I pray, and now meditate as those
Horrible trains crash our silent oneness, I know that the

Purple aster on the window sill, the market below, the frenzy of the dead
Pretending to live cannot change true belief, I should have held her longer
(Did she feel my heart beat), let her look deeper in my eyes to read all
The years, all that pain, but the demons of death and satan's bliss defy
Purity, power, perseverance and the eternal Light, today I step down off
The carriage, the horses must be watered, my arms await her return

"I am here Patty come to me" and all will be sweet, the
Apple blossoms, grape vines full of pungent and deep flavor
The serene sky blistered with on and off again clouds, we
Can sit on this soft white blanket, and "be" together my love

All that He created us to be, be strong we have some miles to walk
Barefooted in cold or even heat, we will drink from streams that are
Clean, and eat of the land fruit on our way home, and when the days
Are past and nowhere is there fear, and you know truth without a word
We will revisit the Land of Peace (you and me), and my final vow
Complete in the name of God the Father, I will turn, smile and take

That last seat, near the door
Everlasting life, we will meet again
Now all I ask my daughter is you
Let me be the mother you need so
Please, please, come home
My sweet and dearest P...
I love you...Do you see
Come to me...