Unfair Two (2)

Unfair Two (2)
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
Sunday October 21, 2007


On the fireplace are dolls, brightly painted faces, lips too red, I am
Looking up, my tiny body wrapped in fresh cotton, my mother's skin is
Warm on my cheek, today I was born, my oldest sister's birthday too
Smells of heat (new), pizza (in breast milk); cold, white snowflakes line
The cracked gray sidewalks outside, "I was born today" and the first night
I sleep all night through, Momma and I stay by the fireplace, on my

Birthday, my first day on this earth, it is winter night
I am the fifth daughter born, I came early there is a
Life to come, oh she loves me, her voice is my
Measuring cup of life, she calls me pea the first time

Smiling, giggling sisters always around me, my life is filled with the sounds
Older girls like stepping stones, bright blue eyes, they each hold me close
Kristen has strep throat the first day we must all go to the pediatrician and
He proclaims me very healthy, life begins, my Momma feeds me when I am
Hungry, changes my little pants when I am wet, when she goes to kidney failure
Her breasts engorge, I must suck the bottle, she comes back, and she feeds me

I learn how to laugh, burp, wiggle, and feel the sun for
She takes us for walks each day, I can find her with my
Eyes closed I know all of her (and she does me) she will
Never, never do me harm, where is my Momma she is gone

Virginia brings us fear, it is hot, humid, burning, and those odd people there
Smile and do bad acts behind your back, the neighbors are filled with hate and
They drive it like a car in and out the driveway, they plot to harm, they are bent
Like old men with arthritis, we swim in the summer, people exclaim how pretty
We are, but at first they do not know how crazy he is, breaking up the house
When he starts screaming I hear Momma's gentle voice, I pretend I am in

The office studying next to her, she takes me very seriously
We get new markers, my pictures are vivid and real, and I never
Am hungry, not too hot or cold for she always makes sure I am
A "miracle" and so loved, she cries more it seems and works hard

His voice screams so loud there is silence; watching furniture break, telephones
Rip out of the wall in quiet is better, much later we must sneak around cleaning
Up it takes almost three days for him then to speak to any of us, unless he
Picks one sister to be "on his side" then he will curse us, berate us, and during
Those days at least three will be beaten; slammed on the walls, choked, but
Momma has no fear she puts her body in between he and my sisters, we know

This alone, I am too young to go to a friend's house I am little
My Momma plays with me, and never leaves me astray, I enjoy the
Woods, digging in dirt, and in the afternoon I can go out back
Digging, running, waiting for my sisters to get home and she

Calls me inside, I smell dinner bubbling, cooking, or baking, always a load of
Clothes washing (there are five girls), and when he is at work there is freedom from
His constant hate, he scares me you know, why does Momma not fear his hate
She emerges and grows, her band (KKR) sings of rape, hate, and beatings she goes
For therapy, my oldest sister is making life hard, she runs away, they say she heard
A sound in her ear at age eight, has schizophrenia, Momma is a nurse, she mourns

Stays up all night, holds my big sister (we need you too Momma)
He ignores problems uses his work as an excuse so she cleans this
House (we do chores with her), goes to school, works two jobs
Kristen keeps running further, Momma will hold her all night long

We go to the therapist, he is kind to us, he tells us we must speak the truth of
What our oldest sister does to us, he tells us now that Momma has us all in
School, she is back in college, working; we start telling him that Kris is trying
To poke our eyeballs with pins, sticking items in our butt crack, we stop for
Momma is crying and cannot stop she is filling with guilt will she burst like a
Balloon; Robert tells her "Karen it is not your fault he is not there, it's ok.."

Kim is in Momma's band, Kim loves Momma so much and
Gets her "toilet green Fender Stratocaster" for she really knows
How to play, sometimes they write songs in the office and they
Play their first gig on the Eric Stanley radio show, Sunday night

There is not enough time, everyone is busy, and sometimes Kris is at home
For months with a teacher after being psychotic, running off, not taking her
Medication, she is running out of "private pay" and when Momma fights the
System for comprehensive services the County turns on her for they deny
Momma goes to the Governor and demands help for her child, she is an
Advocate even today 'she fights for those in pain' she had practice at home

Something happens at work, our Momma is injured and has
Pain it is spreading like acid on her skin, she cannot take a
Hot bath, she cannot sleep, her favorite cotton socks hurt her
She is up at night (all night) every night for two whole months

She cannot walk, she feels like she is dying, at times she takes a catnap
Finally she goes alone in the cold winter night with a thick tree branch
Dragging her bad right leg, falling down, crawling back up, he yells that
Everyone will see her, we are not allowed to go for these night walks
We worry and worry, we worry more; she is gone for hours and it is so
Bitter cold there are clear ice shards forming on green tree leaves, and

We hear the sliding door she is back, her face is red and
Her blue eyes filled with tears, she says "I will walk again I will"
We ask, "Mom can we come with you tomorrow night," she
Says "no not yet I must do this alone" and she means it we

Go to school, she is so tired, she is sent to another physician who tells
Her "you will die if you do not control this pain you have RSD" and she is
A nurse saying "I won't take this shit" and finally she cannot stand the
Pain and takes a new medicine at six that night, makes a strong cup of
Coffee, and stands on two legs and says "It does not hurt so bad" and
We wait on the deck fearful (she left her tree branch), and she returns

She is smiling and says "I can walk I can walk again I can walk!"
I have missed her laughter, she is bubbling up, smiling and pulls
Little me on her lap and I say "Mom I don't want to hurt you"
She says "You never can Pea I love you with all my heart"

Her daddy is my grandfather I never met him he died before she married
My father, but she told me long ago, "Daddy called me sweet pea"
My sisters tell me "no it's because your name starts with a P," but
As years pass I know she means that I am just like her, and she loves
Me, loves me loves me loves me, and never can I forget even when the
Storm comes sweeping her away, and my life is deranged, changed,

"Momma where are you Momma come home MOMMA MOMMA!"
My voice screams only in my dreams where it is safe to remember
Her smell, her loving arms around me, her lips on my forehead urging
Me to sleep, saying our prayers, laughing, eating, where is she?

He blames her, tells us lies that we have to believe, we do not really believe
For deep in our hearts we know her heart, she loves us so much, we are
Puppets he is using us to obtain money (we do not know), and she is trying
To get us to her, she is dying to get us to her, we feel her but are told she
Is a lie, we are told she is sick, we are told she is living with a man, she is
Adultering our father, but who was that ugly DJ that he hurt our Momma with

I am too young for this confusion and my sisters try to cover me
With hugs, they do not know that what they do they learned from
ONE person alone our "Momma" they do not feel like her, but am
Glad a few remain, hardship is here, he tells us there is no money

He makes us all wear braces, he is going out to dinner all the time, he is
Working less, has new clothes, and he is tape recording when Momma calls
He goes to court every week and tells a lie, the lie grows to thousands of
Lies but I have a secret in my heart I know my Momma is coming back
When I look in the mirror I see Momma (but it is me) and my sisters tell me
"Patty you look just like Mom" and it hurts for I miss her, need her, love her

I make animal sounds alone now, I have friends to go to
He lets me stay over night so I escape him for when he looks at
Me his eyes are vacant, empty and scare me he does not do
Loving things, when he hugs me I cringe, that dirty woman is

Living here, sleeping in his bed, they make dirty noises, my sisters and I get
Sick and try to escape, leave often, I do many school activities, study for
Momma and I studied every day I am a good student but I think my life is not
Right it is empty, I miss her laughter, holding my hand, our afternoon naps
It is a sick soap opera, he is trying to get a judge to say our Momma cannot
Call and now she calls only two times a day for five minutes, the Judge did this

He lies and says the Judge made all the choices
He lies to his lawyer and the Judge, if he lies to them
Does he lie to us, we see Momma has pictures she is
Half naked and is losing weight, he is enraged he is angry

We do not see the letters of love, poems written for us, little presents, she always
Remembers what we need, never did we go sick without a doctor visit, warm soup,
Ice pops for the fever, she kept us safe and warm; we did not know she did not
Know how to leave him and has lived in abuse until she went to Texas and learned
That no one lives like this, we are seeing at our friend's houses their parents do not
Rage (like he does), terrorize (he does), beat children (he does), not our Momma

She is gone, gone with the wind, far away he says
Two thousand miles she did not have to go there but
The judge won't let her see us, she can be arrested if
She hugs us, our Momma is a RN, not a criminal it is

Wrong but he did it and got away with it, we fear we are next, we do not share this
When CPS comes he stays in the room, some of us are angry and tell the truth
He denies it, moans about raising five girls on his own, he never did much anyhow
Momma did it all for us, I miss her I hope she does not forget me, he says she
Abandoned us, he is beating our minds down, he pretends he knows what we do
The older sisters traded lies to escape him, they live with men in Richmond

Skipping past the years, Jenny and David are gone I am left
With that woman who sleeps with our father, she is foreign
I do not like her and she hates me, she says you look like your
Mother (I am proud to look like Momma), "your Mom is bad."

Unfair to have her here now, ten years gone, I look in the mirror I am grown my
Sisters all tell me to move out, move in with my boyfriend, they do not know I am
Waiting at the door for the lie to end, and it did; my Momma returned and she tells
Me the truth, and I feel sick, his lie was so big I wanted to die, he would not hear me
Asking only to speak to my mother, if I heard her and she me she would know and
The pain might end but he pretends she is gone, she is not, she is back here

She is in pain, PAIN, but the pain in her heart she says
Is worse than any pain she has known in her body and
She wants me free, healthy, she wants me in her life
She told me "home is where the heart is" and then

"Come home Patty, come to me
You can walk out that door never look back
I don't want you living in abuse anymore
I love you with all my heart be free
Come home Patty, come to me.."

It's not fair, to me, is it
"I love you too Momma with all my heart"
She says, "Please come home to me..."