My Mountain Top is yours...

Mountain Top
Karen Hallenbeck-Sikorsky-George BSRN
October 5, 2007


Exhaustion is digging rivets, nails scraping flesh, those vertical lines are gray
Blood forms silent drops and no cutting occurs, they cannot see me they do
Not care, they are counting pennies, making stinking sex behind half closed
Doors, fucking each other and head fucking me, they are not kind, I am a little
Girl, I am a child, I am getting tiny and they cannot see me, hurt me ever again
I cannot scream off the mountain top "I hate you" for they will find me, punish me

I did not know until I stayed at your house
Your Mommy and Daddy love you and hugged us
Good night, tucked us in and for a minute I did pretend
Those strange lips on my forehead were "hers" and then

I cried too hard, and a knife someone sharpened stabbed me deeper, and I could
Not catch my breath, and that freight train was rushing faster at me, my heart
Would not slow down and I was dying inside and the sweat came pouring down
Tasting like salt (like my tears) and I cannot come back to your house because
You have two parents (I have one), you have what I need, I cannot tell you again
No I won't be over have homework, and my father is taking me somewhere

I came back anyhow and this time erected a huge wall
At bedtime I had to get up and pee (I hid in the bathroom)
The door cracked I stared at your mother tucking you in
She is not like my Momma anyway, I envy you, I love you

Substitute teachers never make us do work, we get away with playing around, and
Substitute pitchers never strike out the regulars, and substitute salt never tastes
Good, and my sisters were like flowers blooming and dying and then no one watered
Me and I waited parched, and hungry, no one cared they left me on the outside of the
Garden gate, and I know in my heart my mother is coming back they lie, they make
Me sick, and who is my father (a stranger) and that whore he bangs all night long

I'm getting used to your house, your parents love me too
I think they understand people know what is wrong and I can
Be here and not be their daughter but I can sleep and eat
You are my best friend, I am not afraid here, I am not here...

He is screaming mad, throwing my sister down the stairs, spitting on her, he is a
Big ugly animal (I am scared), and I hide inside my head, there is loud music and
It is cold outside my sister has no clothes, no money, he is red faced ugly and tries
To tell me a lie and I nod my head (where is my Mommy), and he hugs me and the
Smell of his sweat brings bile up my throat, he is making phone calls raging like a
Bull and some of my sisters "use" and "drink" and I am alone, crying inside, I cry...

There is no quiet, I am a stranger in my home,
That mean woman demands we do housework she is
Dirty, her kids don't live with her why is she here
My sister is pregnant and sick, she cries too, aloud

The police come and he lies, my pregnant sister lies, and Jess is with Momma
She must be happy, laughing, and hugging (I think so), I miss her but do not want
Her to get hit anymore, he yells so loud we can't hear him he is wild, raging, he is
Mean, I am going to go to my friend's house to study (please God let me stay), and
They have arrested Jessica in Texas and he is hugging Jenn and Jenn gets sick and
Keeps crying she feels bad (she lied), and I will never get out of here, ever, I am scared

One day Jess took me for a walk, the sun was out
A car drove up, she hopped in pulling my hand and
My Momma was there, she was in my arms crying
We went to a park for two hours, six long years, I cry

I am fat and it is my fault I am getting sick of the noise in my head telling me how bad
I am, I am ugly but pretty like my mother, I am a good student but stupid, the thoughts
Are ice picks chipping away I don't want to live but how do I die, I keep telling him I want
My mother, he makes stupid sounds in his throat, he cannot look in my eyes, he is LYING
I can go away from this pain I must be bad (where is my mother) she must not want me
Jess is grown but comes back, she holds me but I need my Mom can't they hear me

I eat and throw up I am dirty inside I must clean out
I can CONTROL my weight and I am getting nice and
Tiny so small he won't bother me anymore I am hiding
One day his big mouth and demands will go away, GO

GET OUT DAD screams the little me, go away you don't love me or you would get my
Mom I am sitting here until she comes to the door, my older sisters giggle and say bad
Things they won't ever understand, did Momma leave me did she did she, I am spent
Tired, my eyes shut and my boyfriend and friends are not enough so I start to wave
They do not see me saying good bye, no one cares, soon it won't hurt me anymore do
You think she will come if I am sick enough, small enough, if I can be perfect

I like this woman she is listening and writing she is sweet
I tell her the truth I do not lie to her she understands no I am not
Wrong or bad or even insane I just want my mother it is
Normal to want your mother, it is ok I will help you Patty

Laughter and hugs, tuck me in please, kiss my forehead and say my night prayer
Hold my hand when I am afraid, don't let me stay hungry it is dinnertime, and walk
In the mall we can buy something at Claire's, she has my blue eyes and I have hers
I can smell her perfume and remember her blonde hair, every morning she started my
Day (did I start hers too) and she loved me, she still loves me, she never stopped
There she is, Jess is with me crying, I hold on (she holds me) I told all of you

"I will wait by the door till she returns"
She is here telling me "come home Patty"
All the lies are dying like ashes in a fire they are gone
"I am good and I believe her she never lied to me"
Today I can laugh she is here she never left me not one
Minute, one second, all those years are past now
"I am going to live, and I love you too Momma..."

With all my heart, sweet Patty you are my heart
Come to me I am here, I am here...